The Excitement Factor or Another Neurotic Post

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments left on my last post. Just to clarify we were celebrating our 10 year engage-a-versary. Our offical 10 year anniverseary is in March, and not to worry, I'll be sure to post something about it when it comes. Until then, you get to read my the crazy thoughts going through my brain during this adoption journey.

I've been struggling lately with my excitement level. I'm worried because there are some days that I'm just okay with our adoption plans, but not really overly excited about the process.

Of course I'm excited that we're adopting, and I celebrate with each step we complete in this process. I'm just not excited about it all the time. I'm happy about it, just not excited. Understand?

I feel bad sometimes talking to my friends about it because their enthusiasm is much more exhuberant than mine, especially when they ask us where we are in the process. After we share where we are and what we've done, they respond with a huge smile and close with and affirmation on what great parents we will be (this statement brings on a whole new level of anxiety). And I can't bring myself to remind them of the reality that there is a possibility that the adoption might not happen. Adoptions get distrupted, matches fall through and other unforseeable things could happen. Things I really don't want to imagine, but they can happen.

I don't mean to sound so morbid and negative or ungrateful. I'm grateful for this opportunity to adopt. I just like to think I'm being realistic about this whole thing. Is that okay?

I think I'm just so protective of my heart that I'm not allowing myself to get attached to anything in this new journey. And that is exactly what it is...a journey. Its a whole new journey with its own set of detours and road blocks to get used to.

And just like IF treatments had been a new journey to get used to when we had started them 3 years ago, so is this (now that I think about it, I wasn't very excited to be starting IF treatments). I had been excited to be moving onto something new (after 3 years of nothing), but not excited about the process (drugs, dr appts, u/s, b/w, scheduled sex).

I kind of envy our friends optimisim in regards to our adoption journey. They are so sure everything is going to work out for us. I wish I was as confident as them. Its not that I have doubts, just realistic concerns about this process. Because while it might have been picture perfect for someone they know who adopted. It might not be a picture perfect experience for us.

Am I being too hard on myself? I have a right to be cautious, don't I? Considering all the disappointments Michael and I have had over the years in the process of building our family, its okay that I'm a bit gunshy to totally feel I can let my guard down.

I know I think too much.

*facepalm*

I think I'll just allow myself to be encouraged by my friends excitement for us (that's healthy, right?)

Ten Years Ago, and Ten Years Later

Last Friday Michael and I had an appointment with our new social worker. The agency is located near where we used to go to church back when we were dating. It also marked ten years to the date that he had proposed to me.

The meeting with our social worker went well. It was mostly a introduction meeting but apparently it counted toward a portion of our group interview for the Home Study. She also gave us our autobiographical questionnaires, a few other forms (LiveScan) and we scheduled my individual interview for Wednesday (that went well too.)

After the meeting Michael asked me if I wanted to go to our Barnes and Noble. Not just any Barnes and Noble, the Barnes and Noble where he proposed.  The Barnes and Noble where I said yes. Of course I wanted to go! (Yes, we are oddly romantic.)

We hadn't been there in years, mostly because shortly after we were married we moved out of the area and eventually out of the country. Once we moved back to CA we settled in a different county, so this trip was special.

As we walked in the store Michael had me by the hand and we were both narrating to each other our own version of that day. Back then he was dragging me through the store frantically trying to find a section that was empty. Eventually we ended up on the second floor in the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies section. It was the only empty section in the store (kinda sad when I think about it) next to a floor to ceiling window.  Its was there that he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Looking around it was clear that they had moved all the sections. As we went up the escalator and walked to the left we could already see that Bibles and Eastern Philosophies was no longer there. I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach which section they had replaced it with. Sure enough when we got there it was now the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section. Oh, the irony.

Michael and I laughed, but it got me thinking of where we were 10 years ago and where those 10 years have brought us.

Ten years ago infertility was the farthest thing from our minds. Ten years ago I had just said yes to the love of my life and was looking forward to spending my life with him. Ten years ago I had dreamed that we would have had 2 kids by now, a lovely house with a two car garage. Living happy and ignorant of the dangers of infertility.

Ten years later infertility is sometimes all I can think about, because its part of who I am. Ten years later we've had our two kids, but we'll never get to hold them or see them grow up. Ten years later and I know more about infertility treatments and words like hysterosalipingogram and intrauterine insemination, than I would like.

But in these ten years, as hard as they have been at times, I wouldn't change it. Well, the not being able to have children part, I would change. I'd be lying if I said no. I'm talking about the influence infertility has had on us, I wouldn't change that. Infertility really has made us stronger and closer as a couple, and when there was no one else to cling to, to save us from the pain of failed treatments, miscarriages, and final decision not to try anymore, we had each other.

I know that infertility has shaped us into the people we are today. I don't know what kind of person I would be had we not been touched by it. Would I still appreciate things the same way I do now? Would I take every good thing for granted, instead of treasuring it? Would I be one of those insensitive people asking inapproriate questions or giving out useless platitudes to someone I know living with infertility?

Would we be adopting? Probably not, and that made me sad.

***

Standing together in the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section formerly known as the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies, Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I'd marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.

Things are Starting to Move Along Nicely

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been a bit overwhelmed with getting little things done in regards to our adoption and mixed up in some work drama, (which as of this moment has been resolved).

I finally finished our Life Book last Saturday (8/7) and ordered two copies from Shutterfly.com (one to be sent to us and one to be sent to the agency). I found out Thursday (8/12) it had arrived at the agency. Ours arrived the same day. We could start to be profiled by birthmoms as soon as next week.

We found an agency here to do our homestudy and training. We met with our new Social Worker yesterday afternoon and she is very sweet. We start the training on Aug 24th and I have my individual interview with her this coming Wednesday...at our apartment. I'm a little nervous, but not worried.

I am a teeny bit apprehensive about having to share with her the ectopic story, and because its part of our infertility story I know it will come up. Its not that I don't want to tell it. I just haven't told that story in a while and the last time I did share it, we were in therapy, and I sobbed the entire time.

It will be fine. Really it will. I'll be talking to her for about two hours, which is 80 minutes longer than one of our counselling sessions...it will be fine.

I hope Jack is on his best behavior. It would really suck if he attacked me while the social worker is at our apartment.

Well thats where we are. I'm glad that things are starting to move along for us.

How a Negative Pregnancy Test Ruined My Day and A Phone Call Made My Week

Last Sunday I wasn't having a good day, and it started with a negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to take one. All pregnancy tests hate me. Its true. I've been pregnant twice and not once have I seen a positive pregnacny test. How is that possible?

I wonder if there exists out there in the world a certain small percentage of woman who are in fact pregnant, but never see a positive pregnancy test...probably not.

Seriously, its 2010 surely they can come up with a home pregnancy test that can test your blood. Okay maybe that is a bit morbid, but surely a blood test is a bit more accurate than a urine test.

Anyway because of my ectopic pregnancy history my RE advised me that if my cycles exceed 35 days that I am to take a pregnancy test. Well I did and it was negative.

On top of the negative pregnancy test, I still hadn't heard from the adoption agency (even though I was assured I'd get a phone call within a week of our application being approved. It was approved over a month ago). I wasn't getting anywhere with any of the agencies here to find out about home studies. Only one returned my call and that was highlight of that week. Even the County was not helpful as the woman on the other end seemed to have no clue what I was talking about.

I had decided to put on my big girl pants and send an email to the adoption agency to check in with them and find out if they had called and we had somehow missed it. Waiting for a response was the worst.

Last Sunday I was at my wit's end. I was so discouraged. I kept feeling like I was the one who was forcing doors to open when maybe they weren't supposed to opening at all.

I was crushed that I saw yet another negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to think that it would be positive. I knew better than to hope that by some miracle I would be pregnant. I felt once again like a failure. And I wanted to cry. Nothing was coming out, but I could feel something was coming and it wasn't going to be pretty.

I tried to cheer myself up with a funny movie so I watched "Galaxy Quest". It kept me amused and my mind occupied for 110 minutes. But when Michael asked me how I was doing, I broke down.

...and shoved four Mini 3 Musketeers bars and 1 Twix into my mouth in a matter of 10 seconds. Michael wasn't fast enough to stop me. I ran to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed and silently cried. (The mouthful of chocolate was preventing me from properly crying.)

What were we doing? Was adoption the right thing to do? Was it really the next step in our journey? Nothing was even happening and we were still in the beginning stages. It felt like IF treatments all over again. Waiting for something to happen, and being disappointed at it not happening at all. I felt I wasn't even being given the chance.

After many deep breaths, properly crying and voicing to Michael my frustration and disappointment at the negative pee stick, I felt better. I made him hold me really tightly.

That night I prayed and asked God to please give us some direction, show us if adoption was what we were supposed to do. I asked Him if it wasn't, there was still time to close the door. I asked him if adoption is what we are supposed to do please show us favor, and help us during this process.

And God heard me.

The next day I got a phone call from the adoption agency and later on in the week an email from them apologizing for their delay. The lady was very nice and answered all the questions I had in regards to my LifeBook, which is almost done. I just need to add a few more pictures and add a little more commentary and its ready to send.

Michael and I picked an agency here to do the Homestudy and training, so that part is all set too. I just have to call and set up an appointment.

Things are slowly starting to pick up. I know we still have a long way to go in our adoption journey, but at least we are moving at a fair pace. For a moment it felt like things were stopping before they had started with no definitive yes or no answer.

Anyway, I have a busy week ahead of me.

P.S. I still haven't started and I'm really bummed. I kind of liked having my cycles come regularly. Made me feel somewhat normal. I probably should take another test, but *sigh* I really don't want to. I also don't want another ectopic, so I guess I should take another test.