Its Been a Month

Its been a little over a month since I had been laid off from my job. I have to say that I'm actually doing pretty well.

I'm not going to lie, the first two weeks were pretty awkward and I was still trying not to overanalyse why I had been laid off.

But now a month later, I'm actually quite relieved and a little more settled into my current unemployment status. The way I see it, my boss actually did me a favour.

I no longer dread having to get up out of bed to face people and their nosy questions. I can go to my former place of work to just workout and not be forced to talk about me.

At the beginning of June, Michael and I had planned to go to Columbus, OH to attend a convention. Well, technically he was attending the convention I was going for moral support. I was a little nervous about going, more so because of my unemployment status. There would be people there that I hadn't seen in a while and others that I would be meeting for the first time.  I didn't really fancy answering the question, "So Jonelle, what do you do?" or the other question we all love to hear "Do you have children".

Aside from getting stranded overnight in Dallas with no fresh set of clothes or toiletries, and having my luggage missing for a couple of hours without anyone at A.mer.ican Air.lines.helping us to recover it, (I will never check a bag in or fly with A.me.ric.an Air.lines ever again) our time in Columbus wasn't half bad...except on the day of the Reunion dinner.

Every year at convention they have a Reunion dinner for the graduates of the college associated with our denomination. For some reason my anxiety was so high I couldn't breathe. I was fearing all kinds of things mostly questions being thrust at me by people I didn't know. Like the "kids question", the "what do you do, Jonelle" question, all of which are safe questions, but not for me.

I could feel the beginnings of a freakout coming on as people I didn't know were arriving in the restaurant.  A handful of people I did know where sitting elsewhere and all the unknowns seemed to gravitate to us.  I tried to calm myself down by reading the dessert menu, which only seemed to make me hungrier.

I did made it to the bathroom before the freakout surfaced and I exploded into tears. I was there in the stall trying to calm myself down, taking deep breaths, and trying to picture myself at my happy place - Disneyland, (which is hard to do when there is Italian music playing the background).

Lucky for us a couple we did know sat in front of us. She and her boyfriend had no idea how much at ease their presence was to us...well to me.

Since being laid off I've decided to focus a good portion of my time to writing. Some of that writing hasn't included my blog (so sorry). Mostly because there are certain topics that I want to write about that I can't include on here and other mini projects that I've started and need to finish before starting a new project. I've decided that if I'm going to seriously focus on my writing I can't be sharing a laptop with Michael, so I'm getting my own laptop. YAY!!!

...and the Hits Just Keep on Coming

Tuesday toward the end of my 4 hour shift my boss took me outside to talk to me about the schedule. We talked and essentially we didn't end up talking about the schedule. Instead, she told me she would "have to let me go" a.k.a. laid off. Okay.


I took the news fairly well, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised, or sad. The odd thing was I was overcome by this overall feeling of relief. I hadn't been happy at my job for a while. I love the people I work with and the person I work for, but lately the members have been a bit picky about the stupidest things and after a while one tends to break under the constant unnecessary criticism.

I was one of those people that cracked during a most unfortunate week. It only happened once and I apologized for my behaviour, but the damage had been done.

This past Friday, on my day off, I heard some news that had brought me to tears. Basically this news had made me question things I shouldn’t be questioning. Things like, “What is wrong with us?” “Why hasn’t a birthmother chosen us?” “Why them? They just put their book in. We’ve had ours in since August.”

I was a bit out of sorts that day. Luckily I didn’t have to work; otherwise I would have been a basketcase. I really felt that I needed to text my boss about my days since I knew she was having a hard time with payroll. So I texted my boss telling her that I understood she was stressed about payroll and I volunteered to drop my days from three to one.

The following Tuesday I was laid off complete with a check for my last day.

*sigh*

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t at all surprised by this. In fact I was shocked. Laid off, let go, isn’t that the same thing as being fired? Michael says no, fired means it was a performance issue, but in a way it was a performance issue, wasn’t it?

I’m trying not to think of the reason why I was chosen to be the one to be laid off. Thinking about finding the reason why just makes my head hurt.

I think the real kicker is that I didn’t get to leave on my own terms. In the past, all the other jobs I’ve had I was able to leave on my own terms. I’ve never been laid off before.

It sounds pathetic, but I feel cheated out of a proper goodbye with my co-workers. I would have liked to have had the chance to tell them how much I enjoyed working with them. Now when I see them it just feels weird…like it was my fault I got sacked.

I’m thankful that my boss and I departed on good terms. It would have been awful if it had been an angry parting.

Once the dust settled, I realized that this job was the longest one I had ever had. I was a circuit coach at Cu.rv.es for 5 years. I loved my time there and the friends that I made, but it was probably time for me to leave.

I never thought she would actually let me go. I was cheeky enough to believe that my job was secure because I was in charge of so much stuff and I was good at it. If she needed a letter written, I wrote it. If she needed to find something on the computer, I found it. I knew everything about our software that most of my co-workers did not. But I guess she doesn’t need me anymore.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t feel like I have a ton of options. Sure, I’m college educated, but my degree is in Creative Writing. I can probably work in an office, but I don’t want to do that. I can’t even imagine having to look for another job right now. I doubt there are many jobs out there that don’t involve working with the public.

Michael told me I didn't need to look for a job right away, which I'm thankful. He does feel that I should get a job just because he feels staying home isn't good for me. He might be right.

Right now I'm enjoying my time at home. I just wish I had left my job to care for a baby.