The Darkside of Procrastination

or How is an Adoption profile like a Horcrux?

For the last couple of months I've have been procrastinating getting our profile done and sent to our adoption agency. My brain has been constantly fighting with me about having to do the work.

In all honesty, I don't want to do the work. I feel like I've (we've) been doing the work for 9 years now to try to have a child and doing all the work hasn't done anything for us.

Part of what was fueling this feeling of anger, sadness and resentment was two friends of ours had recent placements within a year or less of waiting...and here we are going on two years and still waiting.

And it doesn't help that it's coming upon a year since our failed adoption and everyone around us is getting matched. Hating myself for being so angry and stubborn, I had some words with God, and naturally He won.

As gently as possible He revealed to me an interesting point: If I don't complete this profile and send it in, I can't honestly say that I did everything in my power, or everything that was asked of me (us) to further our endeavors to add a child to our family.

He's right. If I don't finish it, I'll always wonder what would have happened had I finished it. And not finishing it, would be giving up on this entire journey.

*sigh*

I finished our profile yesterday and sent it in.

I'm a harsh critic of things I do, and while I like the story part of our profile, I'm not excited about the finished product. However, Michael and two of our friends that I showed it to, like it. I'm just waiting to hear from our social worker to find out if there are any additions or corrections that need to be made.

I'm elated that this part of the adoption process is finished. I had such a hard time with it. It seemed like such a simple task, but I quickly discovered that it was not so simple.

My two friends, L and N were keeping me on task with this profile as they were eager to see it finished. One particular Monday, I was asked what part of the profile I was having trouble finishing, and that is when I started crying and ranting about having to do all this work, when I felt others didn't have to do anything*.

My new good friend N (who is a huge Potter-head and someone I get to geek out with every Monday morning about Doctor Who) said this to me in the midst of my tears, "It's [the profile] your Horcrux**. It's an object that you are having to pour your soul into, and that is hard to do."

Leave it to someone to use Harry Potter as a way to illustrate my difficulty with making an adoption profile.

So having poured my soul onto a piece of paper, complete with pictures was both exhausting and exilarating.

And now we wait...again.

*To my RL friends, I apologize for making this assumption. I know you each had your own struggles to add to your families, and I know it wasn't easy being in the midst of the struggle. I was sad when I said this, and I apologize for saying it.

(**Yes, I understand that a Horcrux is a dark object in the Potter-verse, but the sentiment about having to pour my soul into an object (profile) was spot on.)

Now What?

As you read a couple of posts ago our Home Study was completed at the end of December. But now that there is nothing else to do for the adoption I find myself residing in the "Now What?".

There is nothing else to do now, but wait. Don't get me wrong, I knew waiting was part of this process, and considering our agency is out of state, I knew we would be in for an even longer wait. And really we haven't been waiting that long, so what's my problem?

Well its not just 6 months we've been waiting for a baby. Its been nearly 7 1/2 years that we've been waiting. Some days I'm okay with it...and other days I'm not.

On the days I'm okay with the wait, the anticipation of being matched doesn't bother me. I get to enjoy life being just the two of us for a little longer. We can go to the movies whenever we want, go to Disneyland at a moments notice, or fly across the country if we wanted to.

I can cruise by the Baby section at Tar.get and instead of a dull ache in my chest there's a geniune curiosity as to what I would want to buy for our baby should we get matched with one.

And on the days that I'm not okay with the waiting, the grief of IF seems so unbearable. I feel transparent everywhere I go, like everyone around me can see that I'm infertile and grieving. My shoulders physically hurt from the weight of it pressing down on me. My chest hurts from holding my breath as I try not to have a panic attack on "trigger moments."

Trigger moments for me are sometimes at work. I still find that I am constantly uncomfortable with meeting new people, and meeting new people is part of my job. I can't converse with new members as freely as my co-workers can. I clam up as soon as they ask me about my life and what I do outside of my job since I only work three times a week. They ask about children and whether I've got any of my own. I shut down, because there should be children, but I haven't been able to have any. I just can't bring myself to tell them I'm infertile.

I feel guilty that there are some days that I still grieve my infertility and our dream children. Especially now that we are in the middle of the adoption process. I feel ashamed that I still can't go to baby showers or baby dedications. I hate that sometimes I still feel so separate from my friends that have children.

But then I'm reminded that grief doesn't just go away, because years or months have separated me from the loss. I have to remember that grief comes in waves and ebbs and flows in and out of my life whether I'm ready for it or not. And when it does come I have to remember to breathe, and try not to carry the grief all on my own. I need to ask for help and be okay with crying it out.

So now what?

We go to the movies, go to Disneyland, and wait and pray for our child.

Still Here...Seriously

I noticed that I hadn't written a single post for November. I kept putting it off and putting it off and now the last day of November is here and I can't quite put my brain around how fast this month has come and gone. Tomorrow is December and in 32 days it will be a whole new year.

Another thing I noticed with the last few entries in my blog (sad one followed by a "feeling better" one, then a sad one again). I realized there was a pattern with these entries as the extremely sad posts were written a few days before the Crimson Wave would strike. The only plus side I can see from this is that its coming on time, however the bummer part is that I still don't know if I'm ovulating or not (most likely not).  And I really don't want to know if I am ovulating as its a thought I don't wish to entertain.

Much has happened this month. We are closer to finishing our home study. Everything that is required is completed and turned in to our social worker. She just has to finish writing it up and we have a few certifications of completion to send her and its all done.

We also attended a required workshop at our agency for waiting families. It was a great experience and we were able to really see how the agency works, meet the staff and meet other couples who are waiting like us. We realized that since we are out of state that we were most likely in for a longer wait than most couples.

We both also realized that if adoption doesn't work out for us, we will be okay living as a child-free couple. It will hurt and there will be grief and mourning involved, but we will be okay because we have each other.

There was also something we learned about us and our journey to parenthood - we are not desperate to become parents. Sure its a desire of ours to be parents, but it is not a desperation. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen...well, it doesn't happen.

We don't have to think about that now, but we know that it is a possibility and we are at peace with it. We might have to go back to therapy, but we will get through it.

Its interesting that my brain went to the childfree living route rather than back to treatment or something else like embryo adoption. I think I've just been so use to living with "no children" that the possibility of actually having children has become a rather foreign concept. I've become so accustomed to life without children, its difficult to imagine my life with them.

I was walking through the baby aisle in Target with my mom searching for a baby shower gift for a friend and I was slowly starting to entertain the idea of catelogueing in my brain certain items that I thought would be nice things to have for whenever we might get matched with a baby. My mom came up behind me and said rather wistfully,

"Can you imagine getting this stuff for your baby?"

"No, I can't." My reply surprised me a bit, but it was the truth.

I could see this wasn't the answer she was expecting me to say. But I continued, "I can't afford to imagine a baby. I've been doing that for the last 7 years. But you can."

I think it took the wind out of her sails and probably made her worry about me even more, but its how I cope. Living each day, one at a time. I can't afford to daydream about the future of being a mother or caring for a baby that may not come to us.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to be a mother. I do want to raise/rear a baby, love him/her and nuture him/her. But we've been waiting so long to do just that, that its scary for me to allow my brain to go there, because what if it doesn't happen?

My brain seems to be full of contradicting thoughts. Because I do want adoption to work out for us, but I think the past experiences with failed IF treatment and miscarriages has made my heart and my brain a bit gunshy about believing anything will go right for us.

I still feel in my heart that adoption chose us and I believe God put that desire there. If not for Him I don't think we would be on this path so quickly after what happened last year. God's plans are always perfect even if I don't agree with them or understand them.

I do know one thing, God has given me a great husband, and if I get to spend the rest of my life with him and only him - Oh what a great life!

The Excitement Factor or Another Neurotic Post

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments left on my last post. Just to clarify we were celebrating our 10 year engage-a-versary. Our offical 10 year anniverseary is in March, and not to worry, I'll be sure to post something about it when it comes. Until then, you get to read my the crazy thoughts going through my brain during this adoption journey.

I've been struggling lately with my excitement level. I'm worried because there are some days that I'm just okay with our adoption plans, but not really overly excited about the process.

Of course I'm excited that we're adopting, and I celebrate with each step we complete in this process. I'm just not excited about it all the time. I'm happy about it, just not excited. Understand?

I feel bad sometimes talking to my friends about it because their enthusiasm is much more exhuberant than mine, especially when they ask us where we are in the process. After we share where we are and what we've done, they respond with a huge smile and close with and affirmation on what great parents we will be (this statement brings on a whole new level of anxiety). And I can't bring myself to remind them of the reality that there is a possibility that the adoption might not happen. Adoptions get distrupted, matches fall through and other unforseeable things could happen. Things I really don't want to imagine, but they can happen.

I don't mean to sound so morbid and negative or ungrateful. I'm grateful for this opportunity to adopt. I just like to think I'm being realistic about this whole thing. Is that okay?

I think I'm just so protective of my heart that I'm not allowing myself to get attached to anything in this new journey. And that is exactly what it is...a journey. Its a whole new journey with its own set of detours and road blocks to get used to.

And just like IF treatments had been a new journey to get used to when we had started them 3 years ago, so is this (now that I think about it, I wasn't very excited to be starting IF treatments). I had been excited to be moving onto something new (after 3 years of nothing), but not excited about the process (drugs, dr appts, u/s, b/w, scheduled sex).

I kind of envy our friends optimisim in regards to our adoption journey. They are so sure everything is going to work out for us. I wish I was as confident as them. Its not that I have doubts, just realistic concerns about this process. Because while it might have been picture perfect for someone they know who adopted. It might not be a picture perfect experience for us.

Am I being too hard on myself? I have a right to be cautious, don't I? Considering all the disappointments Michael and I have had over the years in the process of building our family, its okay that I'm a bit gunshy to totally feel I can let my guard down.

I know I think too much.

*facepalm*

I think I'll just allow myself to be encouraged by my friends excitement for us (that's healthy, right?)

Ten Years Ago, and Ten Years Later

Last Friday Michael and I had an appointment with our new social worker. The agency is located near where we used to go to church back when we were dating. It also marked ten years to the date that he had proposed to me.

The meeting with our social worker went well. It was mostly a introduction meeting but apparently it counted toward a portion of our group interview for the Home Study. She also gave us our autobiographical questionnaires, a few other forms (LiveScan) and we scheduled my individual interview for Wednesday (that went well too.)

After the meeting Michael asked me if I wanted to go to our Barnes and Noble. Not just any Barnes and Noble, the Barnes and Noble where he proposed.  The Barnes and Noble where I said yes. Of course I wanted to go! (Yes, we are oddly romantic.)

We hadn't been there in years, mostly because shortly after we were married we moved out of the area and eventually out of the country. Once we moved back to CA we settled in a different county, so this trip was special.

As we walked in the store Michael had me by the hand and we were both narrating to each other our own version of that day. Back then he was dragging me through the store frantically trying to find a section that was empty. Eventually we ended up on the second floor in the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies section. It was the only empty section in the store (kinda sad when I think about it) next to a floor to ceiling window.  Its was there that he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Looking around it was clear that they had moved all the sections. As we went up the escalator and walked to the left we could already see that Bibles and Eastern Philosophies was no longer there. I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach which section they had replaced it with. Sure enough when we got there it was now the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section. Oh, the irony.

Michael and I laughed, but it got me thinking of where we were 10 years ago and where those 10 years have brought us.

Ten years ago infertility was the farthest thing from our minds. Ten years ago I had just said yes to the love of my life and was looking forward to spending my life with him. Ten years ago I had dreamed that we would have had 2 kids by now, a lovely house with a two car garage. Living happy and ignorant of the dangers of infertility.

Ten years later infertility is sometimes all I can think about, because its part of who I am. Ten years later we've had our two kids, but we'll never get to hold them or see them grow up. Ten years later and I know more about infertility treatments and words like hysterosalipingogram and intrauterine insemination, than I would like.

But in these ten years, as hard as they have been at times, I wouldn't change it. Well, the not being able to have children part, I would change. I'd be lying if I said no. I'm talking about the influence infertility has had on us, I wouldn't change that. Infertility really has made us stronger and closer as a couple, and when there was no one else to cling to, to save us from the pain of failed treatments, miscarriages, and final decision not to try anymore, we had each other.

I know that infertility has shaped us into the people we are today. I don't know what kind of person I would be had we not been touched by it. Would I still appreciate things the same way I do now? Would I take every good thing for granted, instead of treasuring it? Would I be one of those insensitive people asking inapproriate questions or giving out useless platitudes to someone I know living with infertility?

Would we be adopting? Probably not, and that made me sad.

***

Standing together in the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section formerly known as the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies, Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I'd marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.

Things are Starting to Move Along Nicely

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been a bit overwhelmed with getting little things done in regards to our adoption and mixed up in some work drama, (which as of this moment has been resolved).

I finally finished our Life Book last Saturday (8/7) and ordered two copies from Shutterfly.com (one to be sent to us and one to be sent to the agency). I found out Thursday (8/12) it had arrived at the agency. Ours arrived the same day. We could start to be profiled by birthmoms as soon as next week.

We found an agency here to do our homestudy and training. We met with our new Social Worker yesterday afternoon and she is very sweet. We start the training on Aug 24th and I have my individual interview with her this coming Wednesday...at our apartment. I'm a little nervous, but not worried.

I am a teeny bit apprehensive about having to share with her the ectopic story, and because its part of our infertility story I know it will come up. Its not that I don't want to tell it. I just haven't told that story in a while and the last time I did share it, we were in therapy, and I sobbed the entire time.

It will be fine. Really it will. I'll be talking to her for about two hours, which is 80 minutes longer than one of our counselling sessions...it will be fine.

I hope Jack is on his best behavior. It would really suck if he attacked me while the social worker is at our apartment.

Well thats where we are. I'm glad that things are starting to move along for us.

How a Negative Pregnancy Test Ruined My Day and A Phone Call Made My Week

Last Sunday I wasn't having a good day, and it started with a negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to take one. All pregnancy tests hate me. Its true. I've been pregnant twice and not once have I seen a positive pregnacny test. How is that possible?

I wonder if there exists out there in the world a certain small percentage of woman who are in fact pregnant, but never see a positive pregnancy test...probably not.

Seriously, its 2010 surely they can come up with a home pregnancy test that can test your blood. Okay maybe that is a bit morbid, but surely a blood test is a bit more accurate than a urine test.

Anyway because of my ectopic pregnancy history my RE advised me that if my cycles exceed 35 days that I am to take a pregnancy test. Well I did and it was negative.

On top of the negative pregnancy test, I still hadn't heard from the adoption agency (even though I was assured I'd get a phone call within a week of our application being approved. It was approved over a month ago). I wasn't getting anywhere with any of the agencies here to find out about home studies. Only one returned my call and that was highlight of that week. Even the County was not helpful as the woman on the other end seemed to have no clue what I was talking about.

I had decided to put on my big girl pants and send an email to the adoption agency to check in with them and find out if they had called and we had somehow missed it. Waiting for a response was the worst.

Last Sunday I was at my wit's end. I was so discouraged. I kept feeling like I was the one who was forcing doors to open when maybe they weren't supposed to opening at all.

I was crushed that I saw yet another negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to think that it would be positive. I knew better than to hope that by some miracle I would be pregnant. I felt once again like a failure. And I wanted to cry. Nothing was coming out, but I could feel something was coming and it wasn't going to be pretty.

I tried to cheer myself up with a funny movie so I watched "Galaxy Quest". It kept me amused and my mind occupied for 110 minutes. But when Michael asked me how I was doing, I broke down.

...and shoved four Mini 3 Musketeers bars and 1 Twix into my mouth in a matter of 10 seconds. Michael wasn't fast enough to stop me. I ran to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed and silently cried. (The mouthful of chocolate was preventing me from properly crying.)

What were we doing? Was adoption the right thing to do? Was it really the next step in our journey? Nothing was even happening and we were still in the beginning stages. It felt like IF treatments all over again. Waiting for something to happen, and being disappointed at it not happening at all. I felt I wasn't even being given the chance.

After many deep breaths, properly crying and voicing to Michael my frustration and disappointment at the negative pee stick, I felt better. I made him hold me really tightly.

That night I prayed and asked God to please give us some direction, show us if adoption was what we were supposed to do. I asked Him if it wasn't, there was still time to close the door. I asked him if adoption is what we are supposed to do please show us favor, and help us during this process.

And God heard me.

The next day I got a phone call from the adoption agency and later on in the week an email from them apologizing for their delay. The lady was very nice and answered all the questions I had in regards to my LifeBook, which is almost done. I just need to add a few more pictures and add a little more commentary and its ready to send.

Michael and I picked an agency here to do the Homestudy and training, so that part is all set too. I just have to call and set up an appointment.

Things are slowly starting to pick up. I know we still have a long way to go in our adoption journey, but at least we are moving at a fair pace. For a moment it felt like things were stopping before they had started with no definitive yes or no answer.

Anyway, I have a busy week ahead of me.

P.S. I still haven't started and I'm really bummed. I kind of liked having my cycles come regularly. Made me feel somewhat normal. I probably should take another test, but *sigh* I really don't want to. I also don't want another ectopic, so I guess I should take another test.

Even Jesus was Sarcastic or Is Honesty Really the Best Policy

These past couple of weeks I've been doing something that I normally wouldn't dream of doing...

cue the music...

I've been honest with people about our infertility. Its something new I've been doing since outing myself in April and finally deciding on an adoption agency.

There have been ample opportunities to do this, preferably two Sundays ago when Michael and I went to my old church to hear my former pastor speak. It was a weird day. Almost everyone from my old youth group was there and it was nice to see everyone grown up, married and with kids.

Naturally we got the kids question, which we answered, "Not yet, but we are in the process of adopting and we are excited about where the process takes us."

I was surprised that I was genuinely excited when we told people about us adopting. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm also very guarded about it. There is still a possibility that this won't work out, so I'm guarding my heart, but that doesn't mean I'm not excited that we are adopting.

Of course with this entire honesty thing one is bound to receive some crap not so nice comments from people. One came before I was even able to answer a question. The "Any kids" question a.k.a "The Dreaded Question" came from someone that was in my youth group who was a few years older than me. Before I could even answer the question he stepped over the line when he added, "What, you don't want kids?"

All this while staring at my chest...in church...right in front of my husband.

So not only am I uncomfortable with the question, I’ve also been put on the spot by someone I haven’t seen in over 15 years. So I gathered my courage, and quickly scrambled through my catalogue of snarky comebacks because at this moment I've pretty much rationalized that Jesus was sarcastic too (read the Gospels), so it’s okay. Jesus understands and He loves me.

Here is what I would have liked to have said: "What about you? Are you married? What, you don't want to get married? Was that question inappropriate? Can you please direct your question a little higher?"

Instead I said this: No we don't have kids. (honesty) We want kids, we just haven't been able to have them. (more information than is actually necessary) Right now we are in the process of adoption and we are excited. (does that answer your question, jerk)

I probably said more than what was necessary, but really who goes from asking if you have kids to assuming that you don't want any? Obviously people I haven't seen in over 15 years. After that I left before he actually said anything else to me. I heard later on that morning he came up to my mom and commented on how different her hair looked.

G: Your hair looks thinner, and shorter. Was it always like that?

Mom: Well the texture of hair changes when you have cancer and have to go through chemo. Often times it grows back thinner. What's your excuse?

YES! Oh how I wish I was there to have heard that conversation.

Everyone else was really great about hearing our adoption news. They were encouraging and excited for us. We had many people tell us that they will keep us in their prayers.

I also had the opportunity to share with one of my other old friends about our struggles with infertility, our losses and deciding not to try anymore.

It was very refreshing to be honest with someone and not feel shameful about our IF struggles, but talk about it freely with her. I surprised myself that I was so open with her, because we all know that I'm a bit out of practice in the art of opening up. But I felt she was a safe person and it was only her, not 20 people at once.

I stepped back and realized that had this been two years ago, or even a year ago, I would have dreaded going to my old church and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. I would have anticipated the kids question to the point of being on the brink of a panic attack. I would have driven myself crazy figuring out how to respond to each question, and over analyzing every encounter with these people.

Two years ago around this time, Michael and I went to a wedding of one of my old friends and there were some people in attendance that I had grown up with but hadn't seen in years. We didn't get the kids question that day, but it had only been 4 months out since the ectopic, and the outing was enough to dissolve me into tears seeing all my old friends I had grown up with, with kids of their own. I distinctly remember struggling to breathe during the reception.

A year ago at this time Michael and I were awaiting the results of our 4th and final IUI. Had we received an invitation to go to my old church, I don't even think we would have gone. If we had gone and received the kids question I would have just said, "No" and maybe a "Not yet". We would not have been upfront with anyone of our attempts to have children, much less talk about our losses or our IF struggles. I most likely would not have engaged in any conversations with anyone besides the usual small talk, but nothing in-depth.

To sum it up, there would have been lots of awkward silences trying to talk to me and the conversation wouldn't have been at all enlightening.

I guess you could say we have grown in the last year. We are a lot more honest with people when the Dreaded Question comes up. We usually don't include the "haven't been able to have them" part unless it is implied that we don't want kids. We just jump right into the "but we are adopting" and we make sure to say it with the proper enthusiam it deserves.

So I guess honesty is the best policy, but just remember that if I get asked the wrong question I will exercise my right to give a sarcastic answer.

Why I Want to Adopt

On Saturday afternoon I opened my email to find that our application was approved at the adoption agency we applied to. I was excited and relieved that our application had been approved. I realize that we still have to have a homestudy completed and submitted and we still have to be matched. But interestingly enough the big hurdle for me was the inital application. Yes, this is how my brain works.

In the email there were some documents attached informing us that we have to make what they call a 'Life Book'. Basically its a photo album, autobiography of us, and Dear Birth Parents' letter all in one. Once a birthmother selects us, she keeps our Life Book.

One of the things we must include is why we desire to adopt a child. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that surely I have thought about why we want to adopt. And I have, but reading it back it seems like a selfish reason.

The reason I want to adopt is plain and simple, I want to be a mother. I want to love and nuture another human being. I want to be a family to a baby that needs a family.

Still, those reasons don't seem good enough, do they? Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I being selfish?

I know that choosing adoption isn't the easiest choice for any couple. When we made the decision to adopt it wasn't made lightly. I knew I still had some unresolved grief toward my IF and we've been in counselling to help me resolve those issues. I wanted to make sure that I had grieved my dream childern before moving forward with adoption. I wanted to make certain that we were adopting because it was what we were lead to do, not because it was the most logical next step in building our family.

In a way it is the next logical step, but I didn't want to adopt just for the sake of adopting. I truly believe, right now, adoption chose us. Maybe that is why its hard for me to answer a simple question.

I remember when Michael and I had been ttc for about a year. We were living in Oxford at the time and our friends A and R had just had their baby. He was a little guy, about 6 weeks old and R was making sure everyone got to hold him. (This was when holding other people's babies was fun.) I hadn't held him yet, so she handed him to me. I held him for about 2 hours and he slept the entire time.

I remember thinking how small and fragile this little life was in my arms and he was totally dependent on me. Even though I didn't give birth to him, there was this automatic need to watch over him and make sure he was okay, and there was such a peace about it. That is when it clicked for me that I would be okay with adoption (that and a few months of counselling, 6 years later).

I just want to be a mother. Is that a good enough reason?

If anyone is reading this entry and is in the process of adopting or has already adopted, can you please share in the comments with me why you chose to adopt?

Update?

Not so much. I haven't heard from the agency yet to find out if our application was even approved. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I can't help it.

I just keep thinking...what if we're not approved? What do we do now? We don't have a Plan B. This is Plan B. At least for now this is Plan B.

Now that I think about it...technically if we are talking about a 'Plan' and assigning letters to them this is "S" or "T". Or I could call it Plan A to the 6th power.

Stop. Breathe. Okay.

I know logically there isn't a reason why we wouldn't be approved, but my brain works on a scale from pessimist to optimist. Is it the same as "hope for the best, expect the worst"?

Anyway, I went to Atlanta, GA last week and oh my was it hot and humid. I washed my hair and it took all day for it to dry.  Michael and I walked through Centennial Park one hot Wednesday afternoon. It was really beautiful. I wish I had taken pictures, but sadly I did not. They had a number of sculptures and dedications to past and present athletes. It was really touching the tribute they made to the athletes. But all I kept thinking about was how hot and humid it was...and it was only the beginning of June! I don't think I would have liked being an Olympic Athlete running a Marathon in Atlanta, GA in August. I would have perished.

While I was there I also went to the Georgia Aquarium and the World of Coca-Cola. Apparently the Georgia Aquarium is the largest aquarium on the East Coast. Here are some pictures.

The ginormous thing in the tank is a Whale Shark.

 Just to give a perspective on how huge the tank is.

A display of the Olympic Torches at the World Of Coca-Cola.

 The close-up of the Atlanta torch and the Vancouver torch.

The World of Coca-Cola was a lot of fun. Especially at the end of the tour, you can go into the "Taste of Coke" room and try all the fizzy drinks Coca-Cola distributes all over the world. My favorite one was a drink called 'Candy' and the flavor was called 'Pine Nut'. It tasted like a Pina Colada and as my friends in England would say, "It was lush."

Well that is it, have a great weekend, everyone. I will let you all know once we hear from the agency.

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Since turning 33 this past Tuesday (thank you all for the lovely birthday wishes), it seems to have opened the flood gates to inappropriate questions. Well maybe not so much inappropriate as intruding questions.

People hear '33' and they seem to think that its okay to now have that 'talk' with me about it being time for me to settle down and have kids.

Yes, like I haven't thought of that too.

My hairdresser was the first one this week. "When are you going to have kids? You know, its time to start thinking about it."

I had only a split second to think about whether or not I should be honest with her and tell her we are infertile or just let it slide. The last time I let it slide I was called a 'Woman of Leisure' in which the questioners wrongfully assumed that I didn't want kids. The end result was not pretty, as I was on the verge of tears and practically yelling at them that I did in fact want kids, we were just was unable to have them.

I decided to be completely honest with her. Her face fell, she seemed genuinely sorry that she had asked. I think she was searching for something comforting to say, the end result was, "enjoy your life and the time you have with your husband." She should have stopped after that, but instead she proceeded to tell me how difficult it was raising four children. Thanks...I think.

The next one was yesterday with a new member. I was training her on the machines and like all new people they want to chat, so what is the question she asks me, "Any children?"

Crap!!!

"No"

"Do you want kids?"

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

And there it was again, the internal conflict of choosing to be honest or choosing to cower in my own secrecy of IF. I choose honesty, and for the worse reason yet. I wanted her to feel bad asking a young infertile woman the one question she hates to hear and answer. I wanted to strip away the assumption that just because a woman looks of child-bearing age, doesn't mean she can bear children. I wanted her to think twice about ever opening with that line of questioning...ever again.

So I said, "We want kids, we're just not able to have them."

Of course what I really wanted to say was,  Thank you, for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it. (Thanks Miracle Max).

I know honesty is the best thing in dealing with people and their annoying questions, its just so exhausting. Every time I 'out myself' to these people, anxiety soon follows. I can feel my heart start to beat faster and faster against my ribcage. I can feel the tears threatening to come from behind my eyes, followed by the painful lump in my throat, as I try to be strong and come clean about my inability to have children.

I swear the next person that asks me the 'kids' question, I'll be sure to accompany my honest answer with some tears.

On a happy note, I'm excited that we finally picked an adoption agency. I spent my birthday night rewriting the application and deciding which picture to send with it. I choose this one.

Its the professional one the Disney Photoman took with his camera. The one he took on my camera was awful. I think they do that on purpose so you have to buy the pictures they take.

Anyway, I'm glad that we took that step of faith. We will see what happens and what God has in store for us.

Have a great weekend, everyone :)

The Wisdom of Glee

Can I just say how much I love the show Glee? Well of course I can, this is my blog :) Anyway, Tuesday's episode was really great, lots of twists, Neil Patrick Harris awesomeness (I've never heard him sing before. Yes I know, I live in a cave), but for me the highlight of the episode was Artie's subplot.

Tina wanted Artie to do a dance number with her. It didn't turn out so good. Encouraging him that he will walk again one day, Tina brings Artie a mountain of paperwork of breakthrough research that she found in regards to spinal cord injuries.

And then there was the best part of the show...Artie's daydream dance sequence set to Men without Hats Safety Dance.

But the real clincher for me was toward the end of the episode when Artie realizes that he may never be able to walk again. And he tells Tina gently, "I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true." 

I nearly cried, because that is what I've been trying to do for the past six months, but no one will help me move on. No one will help me redirect my focus. No one will allow me to let go of the dream of having a biological child. Its almost like they are somewhat discouraged that they now have to pray for our adoption. Like we are settling for something else and not "focusing on the miracle".

I know these people are well-intentioned when they tell us that they are "praying for a miracle of a biological child," or that they are "believing in God to bring us a child of our own."  But its difficult to feel their support when their focus is so much different than ours.

I can't afford to hold onto that hope, or believe that God will someday allow us to have a child that is half me and half Michael. I can't continue to think about when God will ever open my womb, because He might not choose to do so. I can't keep focusing on what if this month is the month, because honestly, I've been doing that for six years and all it brings is disappointment when I don't see two pink lines.

Instead, I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true.

And because I love Glee and Artie here is his 'Safety Dance'

What IF?

What IF, after all the pain and struggle of trying to have a baby, enduring the heartache of loss and failure, there is nothing left of me to give a baby through adoption?

I worry sometimes that because we had been TTC for more than 6 years, endured two miscarriages, and now are no longer TTC, if there is enough in me left to open my heart to adoption. All our invested hopes and dreams of having children of our own has been spent, what if there is nothing left to give?

Its been nine years of wanting a baby, six years of trying for a baby, What IF by the time I get baby I'm not good at being a mother, or worse after waiting so long, I hate being a mother?

Yes, my brain works on overload and I tend to ride that bad train of thought until I'm lying on the couch dissolved in tears. I forget sometimes, that thinking too far ahead in the future, can distort perceptions and create fear of the unknown. I have to be reminded to just concentrate on today. Just get through today.

But I can't help it. I've been fantasizing about the future and our children for ages. I've had their names picked out for 10 years. I've dreamt about who they would look like. If they would have my curly hair or Michael's hazel eyes.

There are some days, rare occasions, when I just want to stop...everything, stop all pursuits at parenthood. Because some days I'm not sure what kind of mother I will turn into having walked the road of infertility.

But then there is this voice in my head asking, nagging, yelling at me that What IF I'm good at being a mother, and I love and cherish every minute of it? Even the all night crying and sleepless nights.

What IF the wait was worth it in the end? Because I couldn't imagine my life without this child in it.

What IF all the pain of waiting, the anguish of failure, the heartache of loss was turned into joy? What IF all that we have been through makes us better, loving parents? What IF this child has been waiting for us and not the other way around?

Then I'll stay for the ride and endure the road blocks and speed bumps along the way. I'll open my heart to whatever God has in store for me. I'll pray He gives me the strength to hold on to the hope of our child, where ever he/she may be, that they will soon come home to us.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week April 24 - May 1. This post was part of Project IF organized by Resolve.org and Mel of StirrupQueens.com. To learn more about infertility and how you can support someone you know going through this journey visit Resolve.org for more information.

If you would like to view the complete list of What IFs you can find them here.

Well, it worked for Chandler and Monica

One thing I liked about the show Friends is that they not only dealt with Chandler and Monica's journey with infertility, but they also showed their journey with domestic infant adoption. Of course through the magic of TV their adoption was not only uncharacteristically quick, it was easy, and they ended up with TWINS!!!

Please understand that I'm not naive enough to think that DIA will be an easy process for us like it was for Chandler and Monica. We haven't even decided on an agency yet, still researching other agencies.

The weird thing is I'm not as obsessed about this process as I have been in the past when "Operation Baby" started 6 1/2 years ago. And I guess a lack of obsession is always a good thing, but does the lack of obsession mean a lack of dedication on my part? Does it mean that I don't care as much about adoption as I once did of TTC (trying to conceive)?

I can't believe I'm fretting over not being obsessed about adoption.

*facepalm*

Maybe I just needs someone to give me a big, huge, white binder full of adoption information that is broken down into categories and then cross-referenced with matching forms in the back of it.

Stingy Now, Generous Later

Yesterday received some information packets from adoption agencies I contacted last week. If we decide to go with the one that is out of state we found a local agency here that will do our Homestudy and Educational classes. Looking at the fee schedule for this other agency made me slightly depressed as it was more expensive than their website indicated. So still no final decision on an agency.

*headdesk*

Last night I just kept wishing that I was "normal", "regular", "fertile". And then other stuff followed like: I wish I already had my children. I wish I didn't have to worry about irregular cycles, another ectopic pregnancy, or choosing an adoption agency. I wish I didn't live in the most expensive state in America where the fees for an agency is 16K to 35K.

Most of all, I wish I knew why God chose this journey for us. I don't like spoilers when it comes to movies, but this is my life, please God, spoil me. I promise I'll look and act surprised when I see what it is that you have for us.

But God doesn't work like that, and to be honest, I wouldn't want Him to do that for me.

As I was laying in bed on the verge of tears I remembered something Michael said to me the morning of our miscarriage in August. "Maybe God needs to be stingy to us now, to be generous to a child later."  I was reminded that maybe the reason we are going through this journey is that there is a child out there who needs us, and God's generosity.

So Baby, where ever you are, Mommy and Daddy are waiting and praying for you. We just haven't found each other yet, but we will.

To Try or Not To Try...

...that is the question.

For the last couple of weeks I've been struggling with whether I want to try again or not.  *sigh*.  It seems like such an easy and natural thing that my body should be able to do, but it can't...or won't. I haven't decided on which yet.

I've been taking this stuff called Fertilaid for the last six months. I'm taking it for the vitamin benefits rather than the conceiving benefits. (but if they help us conceive then, yay!) For the most part it keeps my cycles regular, when I remember to take the pills. I'm the worst pill taker in history and there are 3 that must be taken daily. Some days I forget to take it and other days I don't remember that I have taken it. Each month I tell myself that I will remember to take the pills every day.

Since starting to take the Fertilaid I've been tempted to see if its actually working - meaning if I'm actually ovulating. I'm not going to lie. I do get a little excited at the prospect of the Fertilaid actually working. Because if it is working...I can try to get pregnant without the help of daily injections of fertility drugs, bloodwork, ultrasounds and doctor's appointments. I can try to get pregnant the normal way.

But in the midst of the daydreams...reality strikes and the tears soon follow as all the disappointments of trying come to the surface.

I'm reminded that I've been trying to get pregnant for the last six and a half years. I have only one tube near an ovary that isn't dominate. I've only ever been pregnant through medical intervention. I don't ovulate on my own, and because I have PCOS 50% of my eggs are probably bad. Suddenly, the concept of trying doesn't feel so easy or inviting. Not trying feels like the saner, safer option.

All this 'try or not try' thinking had totally overtaken my thoughts leaving no room to focus on adoption. I realized that I didn't even want to have anything to do with it, which made me feel...awful and ungrateful. Ungrateful of a miracle that God probably has waiting for us through adoption.

I had wanted something to focus my mind on...besides adoption, but I had picked the one thing that I had been trying to let go of since September.

So I'm back on the adoption train.

I don't know if I'll ever really get over the concept of not trying, but I can move on from that way of thinking. Because getting over and moving on are two totally different things.

ICLW Welcome :)

This is my first ICLW week. If you would like to know more about ICLW just click on the purple icon to the right. If you are visiting here for the first time let me share a bit about myself and give you the summarized version of our story.

Michael and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have been TTC our first for a little over 6 years. After 3 years of no pgs we decided to go see an RE.

We were diagnosed with PCOS, so the RE suggested a few cycles of Clomid. On the 4th cycle of Clomid in Feb 08 we thought it didn't work as the pg test I took at the RE's office was BFN. Two weeks later I was in the ER with severe pain. They made me take a pg test and it was positive. We were finally pregnant, but it joy was short-lived as I was rushed into surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. My tube was beyond saving so it needed to be removed along with our first child.

After six months of recovery, we continued with treatment, this time with injections and IUI. I overcame my fear of needles by learning how to give myself shots. We learned that with the IUI procedure, Kaiser only offers 3 cycles so if it didn't work after 3, it probably won't work at all, so we had 3 shots at this working. The first 3 cycles failed.

Because I responded well to the meds, they offered us a 4th cycle. The 4th IUI cycle was, by far, the best one we had since starting the injections. It worked, but not as well as we would have hoped. I miscarried early. Kaiser offered us another cycle, since this once was considered a m/c, but the cycles were exhausting our finances and our hopes of ever conceiving. So we decided to stop all further treatment.

Michael felt that we needed to redirect our focus on other ways of building a family, so we will eventually be pursuing domestic infant adoption. We haven't yet made a formal decision on selecting an agency. We are still in the information stage and working through the emotions and grief of not being able to have children of our own. We are somewhere in the middle (hence the title of my blog) of no longer trying, but not yet ready for adoption.

Hopefully by the middle of this year we will be a bit further in the adoption process. I think that is it so far.

Happy ICLW week. I look forward to meeting new people.

Don't you wish you could just shut your brain off.

I haven't really posted in a while. Mostly because the thoughts running through my head are kind of sad and pathetic. Lately I haven't been able to sleep. I get tired, my eyes hurt, my body is ready for sleep, but my brain just can't shut off.

I lay my head on my pillow, turn off the TV, close my eyes to go to sleep and all I can think about is "I hate being infertile. I hate that I can't get pregnant. I hate that somedays I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women. I hate feeling so different from everyone else. I hate that I feel like I've been waiting for the next phase of my life to begin for the last 6 years. I hate that I sound so pathetic."

I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if we could have kids of our own. I'd be worrying about which pre-school to enroll them in, rather then which adoption agency to use.

I don't have these thoughts all the time. I think what sparked them was our meeting with a Social Worker of an Adoption agency last week. Everything went fine. She was very sweet. She answered our questions and talked us through the whole process. The only downer part of the meeting came when discussing the fees.

Why does it have to cost so much money? I feel like I'm buying a baby instead of adopting one.

Interestingly enough the waiting part didn't bother me. Twelve to eighteen months - I've been waiting 6 years for a baby, what's another year and half?

Michael and I still haven't made a decision as far as which agency we are choosing. I think we just want to make sure we choose the right one.

Please God, help us choose the right agency.

I don't like this feeling I am feeling

Lately everytime I think of us having children, either through natural means or adoption, I get a little...ambivalent about the whole thing. There are just some days I don't want to have anything to do with babies or adoption. Is this normal?

Now before you start judging me, just hear me out. Its not that I don't want to do the work involved with adoption. I'm thankful they ask for so much because they care where they are placing these children. Its not that I don't want to do adoption, I do. I really feel like it is what God wants us to do. And its not that I regret pursuing adoption, I don't.

I guess its just the fear that the adoption won't work out, so I'm finding it hard to get excited about the whole process. The fear that we won't pick the right agency. The fear that we will be taken advantage of by the wrong agency.

The weird thing is the fear is not enough to stop me from wanting to go forward with adoption. I think all the information or lack thereof scared me.

Reflecting on New Years Past

I remember around this time last year, saying goodbye to 2008 and wondering what 2009 would bring to us. I wasn't very fond of 2008 to begin with and was very much wanting to be rid of it.

2008 just brought memories of the ectopic, the trauma of emergency surgery, the grief of our first miscarriage, the confusion of coming to terms with the loss and more disappointment from failed infertility treatments. In December 2008 our RE gave us the "other options" talk. Informing us that the IUIs were the best treatment that Kaiser could provide, but maybe not the best treatment for us.

January 2009, we went on a break from treatments for four months. Michael commented that I seemed happier when we weren't doing treatments. And maybe I was happier, but I had something to look forward to, something to keep me focused - one more IUI. One more chance for it to go right.

March 2009, I exercised my right to say 'No' to an invitation to a baby shower. It crushed me to say no, but I had to decline. It would have been too painful to go, and to make matters worse it was to be on the Saturday before Mother's Day. Talk about a crushing blow to the gut.

June 2009, In between waiting to see if our third IUI worked (it didn't) God put it in my heart that He just wants what is best for us. I didn't quite understand what that meant.

August 2009, our last IUI worked but not enough to sustain the pregnancy. I miscarried early and officially hated 2009. No more treatments, no more trying to get pregnant, no more dreaming.

It was another quick early miscarriage. I remember thinking in the midst of the pain and grief how great God's mercy was toward us. In a way it was a blessing that we didn't get too attached to the baby.

2009 marked the end of a dream for us and in the midst of coming to terms with the end of that dream I remember thinking "This is all going to get better, right God? It can't get any worse, can it? We're going to find a new dream, aren't we?"

It took a while, but things started to get better. God has been really good to us. Through counselling the last two months of 2009 haven't been that bad. I can actually say that I've been content and have been able to find joy. Not in our situation, but in our God.

I don't have any real expectations for 2010. Is that bad? Its not that I'm not expecting God to do anything or looking forward to the New Year. I am looking forward to it, especially now that we have decided to move forward with adoption. I do hope this new year is better. I'm sure the adoption will keep my mind and my year occupied.