I have found that there is at least one dreaded question in every stage of life. A question we wish people would never ask, but we always seem to fall victim to. Its ignorance is masked as well meaning curiosity, sometimes attempting to pass as a simple conversation starter. Once the question is asked, its usually hard to avoid not answering it without snapping at the asker and looking like an idiot.
I'm sure you know what dreaded questions I'm talking about.
When you're single its either, "So, are you dating anyone?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend, yet?" (this one was always my favorite *eyeroll*)
When you're dating its, "So, when are you guys going to get married?" or "So, has he popped the question yet?"
When you first get married its, "When are going to start a family?"
And once you hit the 5 year mark in your marriage the initial question of "when" turns into "Do you have kids yet?" to, "Why don't you have kids yet?" to finally, "You don't want kids?"
See how the last questions turns into an assumption? Just because I've been married nearly 9 years and we don't have children, doesn't mean that we don't want children. Did I also mention I got asked if I was a "Woman of Leisure"?
What?
It never enters their minds, for one second, that maybe I want kids, but I just can't have them. Nor does it occur to them that their invading questions are constant reminders to me that "Oh yeah, I can't have children".
I never would have thought that not wanting kids was less of a taboo, than not being able to have them.
Last week I got asked, "You don't want kids?" by a member at work (followed by the 'woman of leisure' comment). I finally acknowledged "the dreaded question" with the best, honest answer I could muster. "I want them. I'm just not able to have them."
I changed the subject quickly and started talking about my cat, Jack.
I was proud of myself for giving them an honest answer. I didn't cry under the pressure or snap at them, I just answered it and they shut up.
On my way home I stopped at Starbucks and cried when I got home.
#Microblog Monday 551: New Words
11 hours ago
13 comments:
Those dreaded questions are horrible! I am sorry that you were the recipient of it recently. Hope that the Starbucks was yummy! You deserved it!!
Yes Jess Starbucks helped save the day a bit. I think the worst was that I haven't had those questions thrown at me for a while, so I wasn't prepared. I hate not being prepared.
I think you gave an excellent answer. I hate that question, I just tense up and fumble for an answer.
(((hugs)))
Thanks, Bre, the tensing up is the usual response, but I just got fed up with the questions. I just know if this comes up in my counselling session, and I'm sure it will. He will want me to come up with responses to this kind of prodding.
Good for you for giving such an honest answer. Maybe that person will think twice before asking that question again. {{{Hugs}}}
~ICLW
Hi Kristen, Nice to meet you :) That is something I hope comes away from this IF journey - educating the ignorant.
I'm so glad you answered them honestly! As much as it hurt I'm glad they now know what you're going through! I've had opportunities when I answered them just so they'd feel bad for asking such a stupid question!
Hope the starbucks was good!
It's always amazing to me that there are so few boundaries these days with people in regards to asking personal questions. Even before I knew about my IF, I never asked personal questions. People are so stupid. ::hugs::
*ICLW
I hope that nosy woman was really f-ing embarrassed when you told her! She should be, because the honest answer showed her how insensitive and nosy her question was!!!
Good for you!
Hi AmandaMgn and Just me, nice to meet you :) Yes, I agree people are stupid. And I'd like to think she was embarrassed enough to never ask me a question like that again.
This was a great answer. It was honest and to the point. Maybe in the future the person will think about asking such questions (that have such judgement in their tone!)
ICLW
My God people are RUDE! I have just started saying "I am BARREN!" nice.and.loud.
ICLW
Ugh. People just don't think outside their own little version of life. Having kids is what they wanted and what they did without giving it much thought. Isn't that how it is for everyone else? Thoughtless. Kudos to you for saying what you did. Saying it nicely is also much more likely to make them think "Oh crap. Me and my big mouth." And they should think that. Maybe they'll think before speaking next time.
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