Goodbye 2010

You weren't all that bad, 2010. A whole year without miscarriages, surgeries, failed infertility treatments. Overall I'd say you were a good year, thanks to therapy, monthly trips to the cinema and Disneyland.

For the first time in a long time I can honestly say that I was brought to a place of contentment. A place I hadn't been to in a long time. There is still some sadness at times, especially during the holidays or when I hear about another one of my friends who is pregnant. But I suppose that is normal. It still hurts that it will never happen for us, but I don't dwell on it nearly as much as I used to.

2010 also brought with it interesting challenges for me. I had to face things I didn't want to, but they were things I needed to confront to help me grow into a better person so I could hopefully be a good parent.

I had to make a choice about what was more important to me - Do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mom? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to get pregnant, carry our child to term and deliver a healthy baby. I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't know if I'll ever get to "crossover", and that hurts. Still, if we never get pregnant, I hope we do get to become parents.

And the constant refrain goes off in my brain - God, why did you choose this path for us? Why do you think we are strong enough to handle this journey, it sucks? Will if ever stop sucking?

I know I'll never get any answers to my questions.

However, I think I've found some answers to my questions in new friendships that Michael and I have made this past year. They too are walking the ever sucky journey of IF. I only wished I had met them sooner. I hope we can be a great support to them.

Last year at this time we had just told our family that we were starting to begin the adoption process. In May we chose an agency. In August we started our Home Study and now effective Dec 20 we were Home Study approved.

Now we wait...we're good at waiting.

In the midst of waiting I plan to continue to eat healthfully, exercise regularly and take my vitamins everyday (seeing as I'm the worst pill taker in history this will definitely be a challenge for me).

I'm not really sure what 2011 will bring, hopefully good things. I'm sure it won't be all sunshine and rainbows, but what is a life without its challenges.

Happy New Year!!!! :)