The Security of a Routine

I have realized over the past couple of weeks that I like having a routine. It might seem boring to others, living by a routine, but I have found that there is a security that a routine provides.

Routines are predictable, you can foresee what you will be doing and that knowledge is comforting because there are no surprises.

I wasn't always like this. I used to like surprises, especially if that "surprise" was of the gift variety.

However, living with infertility and the struggles that come with it, the "surprises" I have endured over the past couple of years haven't been all that forgiving.

SURPRISE!! You have Polycystic Ovaries!

SURPRISE!! You will need fertility drugs to help you conceive!

SURPRISE!! That sharp pain in your abdomen, that's your tube rupturing!

SURPRISE!! Your very last IUI turned out to be a chemical pregnancy!

SURPRISE!! Your adoption match has failed!

I hate surprises. I hate infertility.

Lately for the past month, I've had to fit in a new task in my weekly routine - my new old job. Yes, you read that right - I'm back at my old job. Part of the deal in returning was that I would only work two days a week, Mondays and Wednesdays nights, no morning shifts, and no responsibilities.

So far all the terms have been met, which to my relief and sanity has made for a pleasant working experience. But this week I was asked to come in and work a short shift on Tuesday. I didn't realize that a short detour from my normal routine would throw me off so badly.

All day I felt a familiar tightness in my chest, and I was struggling to catch my breath. It was an anxiety attack, all because my routine got thrown off kilter.

I felt like a bit of an idiot getting all worked up over a wrinkle in my week. It wasn't a major change, I was only coming into work for an hour and a half. Big deal. But, why was I getting so worked up over something so little? Because there was a change to my routine.

I think its because I have found the value in the small routines that I have and the security and stability that they provide me. There are no surprises in them, only a predictability that I find comforting.

However, when it comes to food, I don't like routine, so at least there is some spontaneity in my life.

Awkward Moments Strike Again

It's times like these that I feel compelled to wear a sign that says,

"No, I don't have kids. Yes, I want them, but after 9 years of trying, I haven't been able to have them, so I got cats instead."

I actually said this to someone upon being asked, "So when are you going to have babies?"

It was only my third day back at my old job (yes, you read that right. I'm filling in for my old boss while she is on vacation.), and I already had the Dreaded Question directed at me twice in one shift.

*sigh* WTFrick?

I sometimes wish I was quick enough to say, "beep! I'm sorry the quota of personal questions has been filled. To proceed further, either find a new topic of conversation, or pay a personal question fee of $50 dollars. Starbucks cards are also accepted."

Or I can skip the warning altogether and go directly to the personal question fee. I should charge a personal question fee.

After I said that to her, she didn't look me in the face. I guess I was too honest for her liking, but really, she had it coming. She only had herself to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard her, I bet you would have done the same.

I work again tonight. I'm hoping my Sheild of Sarcasm and wrist cuffs of Snark will repell any incoming jabs at me.

...and the Hits Just Keep on Coming

Tuesday toward the end of my 4 hour shift my boss took me outside to talk to me about the schedule. We talked and essentially we didn't end up talking about the schedule. Instead, she told me she would "have to let me go" a.k.a. laid off. Okay.


I took the news fairly well, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised, or sad. The odd thing was I was overcome by this overall feeling of relief. I hadn't been happy at my job for a while. I love the people I work with and the person I work for, but lately the members have been a bit picky about the stupidest things and after a while one tends to break under the constant unnecessary criticism.

I was one of those people that cracked during a most unfortunate week. It only happened once and I apologized for my behaviour, but the damage had been done.

This past Friday, on my day off, I heard some news that had brought me to tears. Basically this news had made me question things I shouldn’t be questioning. Things like, “What is wrong with us?” “Why hasn’t a birthmother chosen us?” “Why them? They just put their book in. We’ve had ours in since August.”

I was a bit out of sorts that day. Luckily I didn’t have to work; otherwise I would have been a basketcase. I really felt that I needed to text my boss about my days since I knew she was having a hard time with payroll. So I texted my boss telling her that I understood she was stressed about payroll and I volunteered to drop my days from three to one.

The following Tuesday I was laid off complete with a check for my last day.

*sigh*

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t at all surprised by this. In fact I was shocked. Laid off, let go, isn’t that the same thing as being fired? Michael says no, fired means it was a performance issue, but in a way it was a performance issue, wasn’t it?

I’m trying not to think of the reason why I was chosen to be the one to be laid off. Thinking about finding the reason why just makes my head hurt.

I think the real kicker is that I didn’t get to leave on my own terms. In the past, all the other jobs I’ve had I was able to leave on my own terms. I’ve never been laid off before.

It sounds pathetic, but I feel cheated out of a proper goodbye with my co-workers. I would have liked to have had the chance to tell them how much I enjoyed working with them. Now when I see them it just feels weird…like it was my fault I got sacked.

I’m thankful that my boss and I departed on good terms. It would have been awful if it had been an angry parting.

Once the dust settled, I realized that this job was the longest one I had ever had. I was a circuit coach at Cu.rv.es for 5 years. I loved my time there and the friends that I made, but it was probably time for me to leave.

I never thought she would actually let me go. I was cheeky enough to believe that my job was secure because I was in charge of so much stuff and I was good at it. If she needed a letter written, I wrote it. If she needed to find something on the computer, I found it. I knew everything about our software that most of my co-workers did not. But I guess she doesn’t need me anymore.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t feel like I have a ton of options. Sure, I’m college educated, but my degree is in Creative Writing. I can probably work in an office, but I don’t want to do that. I can’t even imagine having to look for another job right now. I doubt there are many jobs out there that don’t involve working with the public.

Michael told me I didn't need to look for a job right away, which I'm thankful. He does feel that I should get a job just because he feels staying home isn't good for me. He might be right.

Right now I'm enjoying my time at home. I just wish I had left my job to care for a baby.