Thank you Apple, Inc for once again reminding me that I'm infertile.

Have you seen the new iPhone 4 commercial? This woman tells her husband through the new video share feature that she is pregnant. However, before she shares this precious news with her husband she tortuously drags out the news by asking first if he has a minute, then asks if he is alone and finally says, "You know that thing we've been working on for a while now. Well..."


I'll admit the commercial is sweet, but after being beaten to death with it yesterday, it started to slowly pry open a wound that I wasn't aware still had tender spots, but one that I had hoped I had come to resolve and move on from. It was a part of myself that didn't want to be reminded of the life experiences taken away from us by IF.

It made me a bit sad that something so sweet, albeit poorly scripted and executed, could resurface the bitterness and anger I had at the course God has put us on. The unfairness of not being consulted of the detour He would set for us in our life plan. Our dream of biological children shattered and needing to be mourned. The constant inappropriate questions from people asking us about children and if we wanted any.

I know that there will be always something like a commercial, a movie plot, or a TV episode that will bring back those feeling of loss and anger. I know its not something that I can hide from. I just hate getting the wind knocked out of me while watching my favorite program.

Because it's things like this that get me thinking of questions I still don't have answers to like, "Why did God choose us to be the ones to deal with IF? Why does He think we can handle it? What does it all mean? What is He preparing us for? What lessons are we suppose to be learning? Have we learned them yet?"

The only possible "answer" I can come up with that makes sense to me is that maybe He is preparing us to be better people, and hopefully better parents. I honestly don't know. I'm sure I'll never know why God chose this path for us.

As hard as the road of IF is, I do believe in my heart that God's plan is always perfect, more perfect than I can ever imagine. I may not be able to see how our journey ends, but knowing God is walking with us as we are on this path makes it more bearable.

I just hate when stupid things like TV commercials remind me that I'm infertile. Praise God for a mute button, though I do wish a mute button applied to people as well.

'BLSSDX4'

This is the license plate Michael and I saw on a vehicle the other day while driving to the movies (yes, we go to the movies a lot).

Michael: So do you think 'BLSSDX4' means that they have 4 kids?

Me: Yes I think so, would it mean anything else, otherwise?

I knew Michael was being facetious when he asked me this question. The sentence dripped with so much sarcasm I could hardly answer him back without laughing. It was blatantly obvious that the vehicle in question, a ginormous red Suburban complete with the family STICKers on the left hand side of the rear window, intended to flaunt share with the world that they have 4 kids...or have been blessed 4x.

The laughter soon faded as the cynical part of my brain took over.

Damn Fertilists, why do they get to define what being 'blessed' means?

Once again a 'blessing' or 'blessed with' is equated with being on the receiving end of having children. And once the child(ren) come, they are equated with being 'miracles'.

Don't get me wrong. I truly understand the sentiment. Children really are miracles when you think about the fact that a typical couple, with no fertility issues, only has a 25% chance of conceiving each month. And once that couple has conceived there is a 10% to 20% chance of losing that baby through miscarriage in the first 20 weeks of gestation. So I get that babies are 'miracles' and parents are 'blessed' when they get them.

I just hate that these two words are used all the time in relation to babies, fertility and parenthood.

What about the rest of us, who have not been chosen to be 'blessed' with a 'miracle'?

I know for me, I feel left out, ignored and forgotten by God. I know that is not true, but I feel it on days when others people's fertility is being shoved in my face. God is not even the one doing the labling of what a blessing or a miracle is, its people.

Why hasn't God chosen to bless us with a miracle? Well, He has, but not with a baby or a pregnancy, and not in a way other people may view as a blessing or a miracle.

God has blessed me with a great husband, one who loves me, communicates with me, respects me and is sarcastic with me. A man who takes me to the movies every weekend in the Summer. A man who takes me to Disneyland every year on our anniversary and my birthday.*

The greatest miracle God has blessed us with is a great marriage, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

*I understand that there are a lot of Mes in that paragraph, but this is my blog. I can put as many Mes as I want to :)

"I Ain't Gonna Steal Your Kid, Lady."

I love going to the movies. I especially love some of the kids movies that come out. I'm a huge Pixar fan (however, I have yet to see 'Up', but its in my Netflix queue) and I like some of the Dreamworks films.

I especially loved "How to Train Your Dragon", that film was so clever and funny. I was really glad I made Michael come with me to see it.

I remember being in the lobby, balancing my Raisinets, Michael's Reeces and a bottle of water, walking back from the concessions to my seat. This little girl about 6 or 7 years old holding her own tray of popcorn, turned to me and asked me what movie I was here to see. I told her I was going to see "How to Train Your Dragon". She was so excited and told me that was the exact same movie she was going to see. She turned to her mother, who kept looking at me with this freaked out expression on her face, and told her "she's going to see the same movie we are, Mom."

This mom kept looking at me and the space around me, no doubt trying to see if I came with a child because then it might have been okay if her daughter was talking to me. She kept alternating her gaze from me to her daughter, and finally said to her, "that's great, do you know her?" "No," the little girl said. The mom quickly shooed her daughter away from me and said something to her about not talking to strangers.

All I kept thinking was, "I'm not gonna steal your kid, lady...she's too old and not very pretty." I do, after all, have standards.

I understand that this mom was just looking out for her daughter, but thanks for the confidence. Do I really look that menacing?

Flash forward to last Friday in the theatre waiting for Toy Story 3.  There were so many parents and kids. I don't think I saw another childless couple in the whole entire theatre. I seriously felt like I didn't belong at this particular movie. I felt scrutinized by all the parents there. I couldn't figure out if they were jealous of me and Michael, or if they were worried we might steal their kid during the movie.

I told Michael what had happened to me when we went to see "How to Train Your Dragon". He laughed and said we should have a t-shirt printed that says,

"Yes, I'm Infertile. No, I'm not going to steal your kid. She's too ugly."

Heehee :) That man of mine cracks me up and he really knows how to cheer me up.

"Are You Enjoying Your Early Thirties?"

That was the question I got asked by the Bank Manager as I sat at his desk trying to straighten out the mess with our checks. I was surprised at the question considering he looked about the same age is me (give or take a few years).

"They're alright. Why?" I answered warily .

"My wife is having a hard time with turning 30."

"Oh, um. Do you have children?" I asked, cringing because I hate when people ask me that question.

"A two-year old."

Internal groan, of course he has a kid. *facepalm*

I smiled, nodded and told him that turning 30 was hard for me because I thought we (my husband and I) would have had two kids by then and we'd be done, but no. He looked surprised at the thought of being 30 and having two kids. I explained that I got married when I was 24, so it made sense to me. I had a plan, but nothing went according to my plan.

He proceeded to say what all fertile people with kids say (no offense to those with kids reading this) about kids being a major exhausting life change and blah, blah, blah. I smiled and told him that I know its a change. I know having kids must be hard. I might not have experienced that particular change or hardship yet, but that is only because I haven't been given the chance.

I don't think he was expecting me to be so open. I wasn't expecting it either, but he started it with that stupid question. And I didn't give him any details of our struggles and losses, that would have been overkill and a bit weird.

To be honest I haven't enjoyed my early thirties. They have been the hardest years for me. I sometimes think maybe last year and the year before were my two years of experiencing a mid-life crisis (okay that is probably a bit too over dramatic).

The only thing I enjoy about being in my early thirties is not looking like I am in my early thirties.

People ask the stupidest questions.