Why holding babies isn't fun anymore

Its interesting how many of these thoughts occur to me after a harmless encounter at church. While Michael and I were greeting, someone near us was holding their baby. That person had to be on stage to help with worship and was quickly looking around for someone to hold her. I started to go in panic attack mode and internally chanting "Please don't hand her to me. Please don't hand her to me." And they didn't. Whew.

I'm not really sure why something so tender and precious as holding a baby would bring me to tears, but it does. Maybe because in my heart of hearts I know that the baby being handed to me isn't mine and after about 20 minutes or so I'll have to give the child back to his parents. And my arms will once again be empty.

I wasn't always like this. When I was 18 maybe 20 I liked holding babies. Mostly when the gesture was offered by new proud parents. Newborns made me a little nervous because they were so tiny and fragile, but once they were about 3 months or so I wanted to hold them and even jumped at the chance.

The last time I enjoyed holding a baby was about 6 years ago when the concept of trying for our own was still fresh and exciting. Because it was only a matter of time before I'd be holding our baby.

As the years passed, and the excitement of trying got to be...trying, I started to realize that holding other people's babies wasn't fun anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for my friends new additions, but I was sad for us. At first it was just another reminder of what we didn't yet have. Eventually it became a reminder of what we had lost.

Two years ago, I was asked if I wanted to hold a baby. It had been 6 months after the ectopic and the loss of our first child was still so fresh in my mind. This person had no idea they were ripping my heart out by asking a simple question.

I said no.

I know what your thinking. Who in their right mind would say no to holding a baby? Well, I do apparently. I felt guilty for saying no and hurting this person's feelings, so I held out my shaky arms. Poor baby was so uncomfortable, and so was I.

Michael asked me how I would feel about our future adopted child being handed to me to hold. Would the pain of our losses prevent me from enjoying holding him/her? I thought about it and instantly said No. Because the joy of our new child would outweigh the pain, (not replace it) just outweigh the pain. I'm sure I would still cry, but the tears would be joyful.

One day holding a baby will be fun again. I just hope the next baby I hold will be ours, so I'm saving my arms and my heart for our baby.