Stingy Now, Generous Later

Yesterday received some information packets from adoption agencies I contacted last week. If we decide to go with the one that is out of state we found a local agency here that will do our Homestudy and Educational classes. Looking at the fee schedule for this other agency made me slightly depressed as it was more expensive than their website indicated. So still no final decision on an agency.

*headdesk*

Last night I just kept wishing that I was "normal", "regular", "fertile". And then other stuff followed like: I wish I already had my children. I wish I didn't have to worry about irregular cycles, another ectopic pregnancy, or choosing an adoption agency. I wish I didn't live in the most expensive state in America where the fees for an agency is 16K to 35K.

Most of all, I wish I knew why God chose this journey for us. I don't like spoilers when it comes to movies, but this is my life, please God, spoil me. I promise I'll look and act surprised when I see what it is that you have for us.

But God doesn't work like that, and to be honest, I wouldn't want Him to do that for me.

As I was laying in bed on the verge of tears I remembered something Michael said to me the morning of our miscarriage in August. "Maybe God needs to be stingy to us now, to be generous to a child later."  I was reminded that maybe the reason we are going through this journey is that there is a child out there who needs us, and God's generosity.

So Baby, where ever you are, Mommy and Daddy are waiting and praying for you. We just haven't found each other yet, but we will.