Reflecting on New Years Past

I remember around this time last year, saying goodbye to 2008 and wondering what 2009 would bring to us. I wasn't very fond of 2008 to begin with and was very much wanting to be rid of it.

2008 just brought memories of the ectopic, the trauma of emergency surgery, the grief of our first miscarriage, the confusion of coming to terms with the loss and more disappointment from failed infertility treatments. In December 2008 our RE gave us the "other options" talk. Informing us that the IUIs were the best treatment that Kaiser could provide, but maybe not the best treatment for us.

January 2009, we went on a break from treatments for four months. Michael commented that I seemed happier when we weren't doing treatments. And maybe I was happier, but I had something to look forward to, something to keep me focused - one more IUI. One more chance for it to go right.

March 2009, I exercised my right to say 'No' to an invitation to a baby shower. It crushed me to say no, but I had to decline. It would have been too painful to go, and to make matters worse it was to be on the Saturday before Mother's Day. Talk about a crushing blow to the gut.

June 2009, In between waiting to see if our third IUI worked (it didn't) God put it in my heart that He just wants what is best for us. I didn't quite understand what that meant.

August 2009, our last IUI worked but not enough to sustain the pregnancy. I miscarried early and officially hated 2009. No more treatments, no more trying to get pregnant, no more dreaming.

It was another quick early miscarriage. I remember thinking in the midst of the pain and grief how great God's mercy was toward us. In a way it was a blessing that we didn't get too attached to the baby.

2009 marked the end of a dream for us and in the midst of coming to terms with the end of that dream I remember thinking "This is all going to get better, right God? It can't get any worse, can it? We're going to find a new dream, aren't we?"

It took a while, but things started to get better. God has been really good to us. Through counselling the last two months of 2009 haven't been that bad. I can actually say that I've been content and have been able to find joy. Not in our situation, but in our God.

I don't have any real expectations for 2010. Is that bad? Its not that I'm not expecting God to do anything or looking forward to the New Year. I am looking forward to it, especially now that we have decided to move forward with adoption. I do hope this new year is better. I'm sure the adoption will keep my mind and my year occupied.