Baby Steps

Baby Step #1: A couple of weeks ago my work decided to do an Angel Tree thing with the local girls and boys home. I took a look at the names on the tree and among the other boys and girls there was one 6 month old baby. Without really thinking about it I grabbed the one with baby's wish list. I felt so drawn to help this baby. I also felt proud of myself that I didn't cop out of it and get someone else.

But getting the items on the baby's wish list meant having to walk through the dreaded Baby section at Target. Usually when I'm at Target and I want to get to the Electronics/Book section I know I could easily cut through the baby section to get there, but I could never bring myself to do it. So I would take the long way keeping my head straight and holding my breath the whole time.

Baby Step #2: It took a couple trips to Target to get me to venture to the baby section, but I finally did it last Friday night. I didn't really take my time or pay attention to everything that was there. I just focused on what I needed to buy and left.

Baby Step #3: It use to be really hard for me to look at babies in their natural habitat (in their mother's arms, or looking cute in their stroller). I use to avoid eye contact with all babies mostly so I wouldn't start crying. But, lately everywhere we go all these babies see us and just smile, wave and say "Hi", so I smile back, wave and say "Hi". One little girl at Applebee's stopped us as we were walking out and said "Look at my color," and showed me her crayon. Its the weirdest thing, its not something that usually happens to us...ever.

Baby Step #4: We went to Barnes and Noble to do some shopping and looking around. I was curious to see what books they had on adoption and parenting. I was shocked and a little embarrassed that I had no clue what section to look for such books. Not surprising I knew where all the Infertility books were located (between Women's Health and Diseases). I finally found the section with the help of an annoyed, over-worked salesperson. I was very disappointed that out of the entire section of Pregnancy/Childbirth, Family/Child-rearing there were about 5 books on adoption.

Baby Step #5: I sent for an information packet from Bethany and we will be looking into maybe going to one of their informational meetings after the New Year.

I keep asking myself if we're moving too fast into adoption. I don't feel like we are. Counselling has really helped us work through the grief. It just seems odd to me that nearly 5 months ago it felt like I would never be able to recover from the pain of our shattered dream of being able to have children of our own. I was in no fit state to talk about adoption without bursting into tears, much less walk through the Baby section in Target without having an anxiety attack. God is so good. I can honestly say that and beleive it in my heart to be true.

Although, the pain is not completely gone. I'd be naive to think it would completely go away, but its not as intense or crippling as it use to be. Again, God is so good.