Still Here...Seriously

I noticed that I hadn't written a single post for November. I kept putting it off and putting it off and now the last day of November is here and I can't quite put my brain around how fast this month has come and gone. Tomorrow is December and in 32 days it will be a whole new year.

Another thing I noticed with the last few entries in my blog (sad one followed by a "feeling better" one, then a sad one again). I realized there was a pattern with these entries as the extremely sad posts were written a few days before the Crimson Wave would strike. The only plus side I can see from this is that its coming on time, however the bummer part is that I still don't know if I'm ovulating or not (most likely not).  And I really don't want to know if I am ovulating as its a thought I don't wish to entertain.

Much has happened this month. We are closer to finishing our home study. Everything that is required is completed and turned in to our social worker. She just has to finish writing it up and we have a few certifications of completion to send her and its all done.

We also attended a required workshop at our agency for waiting families. It was a great experience and we were able to really see how the agency works, meet the staff and meet other couples who are waiting like us. We realized that since we are out of state that we were most likely in for a longer wait than most couples.

We both also realized that if adoption doesn't work out for us, we will be okay living as a child-free couple. It will hurt and there will be grief and mourning involved, but we will be okay because we have each other.

There was also something we learned about us and our journey to parenthood - we are not desperate to become parents. Sure its a desire of ours to be parents, but it is not a desperation. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen...well, it doesn't happen.

We don't have to think about that now, but we know that it is a possibility and we are at peace with it. We might have to go back to therapy, but we will get through it.

Its interesting that my brain went to the childfree living route rather than back to treatment or something else like embryo adoption. I think I've just been so use to living with "no children" that the possibility of actually having children has become a rather foreign concept. I've become so accustomed to life without children, its difficult to imagine my life with them.

I was walking through the baby aisle in Target with my mom searching for a baby shower gift for a friend and I was slowly starting to entertain the idea of catelogueing in my brain certain items that I thought would be nice things to have for whenever we might get matched with a baby. My mom came up behind me and said rather wistfully,

"Can you imagine getting this stuff for your baby?"

"No, I can't." My reply surprised me a bit, but it was the truth.

I could see this wasn't the answer she was expecting me to say. But I continued, "I can't afford to imagine a baby. I've been doing that for the last 7 years. But you can."

I think it took the wind out of her sails and probably made her worry about me even more, but its how I cope. Living each day, one at a time. I can't afford to daydream about the future of being a mother or caring for a baby that may not come to us.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to be a mother. I do want to raise/rear a baby, love him/her and nuture him/her. But we've been waiting so long to do just that, that its scary for me to allow my brain to go there, because what if it doesn't happen?

My brain seems to be full of contradicting thoughts. Because I do want adoption to work out for us, but I think the past experiences with failed IF treatment and miscarriages has made my heart and my brain a bit gunshy about believing anything will go right for us.

I still feel in my heart that adoption chose us and I believe God put that desire there. If not for Him I don't think we would be on this path so quickly after what happened last year. God's plans are always perfect even if I don't agree with them or understand them.

I do know one thing, God has given me a great husband, and if I get to spend the rest of my life with him and only him - Oh what a great life!