I haven't been a good blogger lately. I really haven't had anything to say...well that is a lie. I have had stuff to say, but fear that I may offend people I love and trample on the new joy that they are experiencing has prevented me from blogging.
Writing is such a release for me and not being able to express what I'm feeling is starting to take its toll.
Lately with everything that has been happening I feel like I'm regressing. All that time spent in grief counselling now seems worthless. I feel like I'm in the deepest valley of our grief and for the life of me I can't seem to climb my way out of it.
I've cried more times this month, than I'd like to admit. I haven't slept well in two weeks and both weekends I've been sick.
And when I really think about what it is that is bothering me, the only conclusion I can find is that...I miss my babies. Granted with both I only knew I was pregnant for a little more than 12 hours before I lost both of them, but for a moment, just a tiny moment there was a life and it was half me and half Michael. After four years it had finally happened, but they weren't meant to be with us, and that reality hurts the closer I get to 35 at which point my already bad eggs will ultimately be useless.
I guess the other thing I'm struggling with is the recurring feeling of being forgotten by God. I know thats not true, but it feels true. I know He hears me. I know He sees the grief I'm feeling. And I know there are a lot of people out there that have had it worse than we have. I'm just so tired. I don't want to go through this anymore.
I've been told I'm a strong person, but I don't feel strong, not today, not this month. I feel so beaten down by IF lately, that there are some days I don't think I'll ever be able to stand up straight.
*Breathe*
*Breathe*
*Breathe*
#Microblog Monday 551: New Words
11 hours ago
15 comments:
Oh jonelle. I'm so sorry you are in this place. You aren't there alone though. I'm there with you. I could have written this post. I feel all those same things on a fairly regular basis. I feel like I'm always on high alert for something (you,know like a surprise twin pregnancy announcement) to send me back to that place. As I come up on the one year anniversary of my loss, I am feeling it even more acutely.
I never know what to make of it when someone says i am so strong. What does that mean exactly? It's not like IF kills you as cancer might. So you always "survive" it so speak, and usually without everyone knowing the toll it takes.
Hang in there and take it one day at a time. And know you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Oh dear! I am sending you big ole HUGS! I have been in that dark place and it's not a good place. I hope you find hope and joy again soon.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too have felt this way before. It is a difficult place to be. It doesn't matter how long you were pregnant, the fact was, you were pregnant, and in that time you felt such happiness and excitement for your child, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed.
As far as feeling forgotten by God, again, I, and I am sure, many others have felt that same way. All I can say, is just keep trying to hang on. Don't give up on yourself or Him.
((hugs))
Jonelle, praying that Jesus would shine his light into the darkness of IF. I'm there with you today, just found out I had a chemical yesterday...I have so many unanswered questions. Praying for strength for each day, and a renewed hope.
oh my sweet friend, just writing this, sharing it with us shows that you are strong.
But I know how it feels to know that maybe you're not, that maybe you can't handle one more thing, one more loss, one more piece of news that puts me back in the dark place.
God has not forgotten and neither have we. I know it's so hard , so let the tears come and walk through that pain....you wll get to other side, I promise.
HUGS
{{{Jonelle}}} Praying for you, dear friend.
Please know that you aren't alone. Grief is horrible and sometimes, I feel like I've been making no progress whatsoever. It's horrible.
It's okay to not have a good month. You have been through so much and made some incredibly difficult decisions. There is no timeline for grief, and you will heal as you are able, and every single one of us here will support you through it, and would certainly hug you if we could. HUGS.
I know how you feel. It must be something in the air. Keep your chin up and keep the faith; God is listening to us and I know one day He will answer.
I'm so sorry, I too have been in that place, it's so hard to not go there at times when coping with IF and loss. Thinking of you and sending love and hope that you feel the embrace of all of us surrounding you and the strength you need to get through this time ((hugs))
My husband and I recently had a negative beta after our 2nd FET with adopted embryos so I have recently been where you are. I've struggled a lot more this second time around. We've been very public with our EA journey so it was very difficult to realize that God answered all our prayers with a "not right now". I also felt forgotten by God. Thanks to a very honest blogger friend, I realized that I needed to draw closer to God to get through this dark time instead of pushing away from Him. He is not punishing you. Remember that He sees the bigger picture and He has promised to give you "hope and a futre". Cling to that!
First time visiting, but I've enjoyed reading back thru some of your posts. You are a great writer and it is too bad that you dont' feel like you can write and post what you need to here right now. Maybe you could just write it and save it as a draft. Writing has been one of the most powerful tools I've found to deal with the pain and the grief of infertility. There are so many things in my head, things that don't have words, and things that I can't bring myself to say out loud. But Writing, they just come flowing right out and then I realize that, maybe, I can say them out loud.
I am so impressed with your decision to move forward with adoption. There are so many thing that I never would have considered at the start of this journey, but things have changed. Grieving the loss of a fundamental life dream is freaking hard work. I hope that the sunshine finds you soon!
-Foxy
Giving you *huge hugs* and sending light to you <3
I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and don't beat yourself up over it. Know that you are not alone, many others have been overcome w/the grief you find yourself lost in.
sending you big hugs. i'm so sorry that you are struggling, whatever you are feeling is not wrong.
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