To Try or Not To Try...

...that is the question.

For the last couple of weeks I've been struggling with whether I want to try again or not.  *sigh*.  It seems like such an easy and natural thing that my body should be able to do, but it can't...or won't. I haven't decided on which yet.

I've been taking this stuff called Fertilaid for the last six months. I'm taking it for the vitamin benefits rather than the conceiving benefits. (but if they help us conceive then, yay!) For the most part it keeps my cycles regular, when I remember to take the pills. I'm the worst pill taker in history and there are 3 that must be taken daily. Some days I forget to take it and other days I don't remember that I have taken it. Each month I tell myself that I will remember to take the pills every day.

Since starting to take the Fertilaid I've been tempted to see if its actually working - meaning if I'm actually ovulating. I'm not going to lie. I do get a little excited at the prospect of the Fertilaid actually working. Because if it is working...I can try to get pregnant without the help of daily injections of fertility drugs, bloodwork, ultrasounds and doctor's appointments. I can try to get pregnant the normal way.

But in the midst of the daydreams...reality strikes and the tears soon follow as all the disappointments of trying come to the surface.

I'm reminded that I've been trying to get pregnant for the last six and a half years. I have only one tube near an ovary that isn't dominate. I've only ever been pregnant through medical intervention. I don't ovulate on my own, and because I have PCOS 50% of my eggs are probably bad. Suddenly, the concept of trying doesn't feel so easy or inviting. Not trying feels like the saner, safer option.

All this 'try or not try' thinking had totally overtaken my thoughts leaving no room to focus on adoption. I realized that I didn't even want to have anything to do with it, which made me feel...awful and ungrateful. Ungrateful of a miracle that God probably has waiting for us through adoption.

I had wanted something to focus my mind on...besides adoption, but I had picked the one thing that I had been trying to let go of since September.

So I'm back on the adoption train.

I don't know if I'll ever really get over the concept of not trying, but I can move on from that way of thinking. Because getting over and moving on are two totally different things.