Missed the Train

First I just want to say thanks for all the kind words everyone left on my last, last post. It meant a lot to know that you all care.

Michael and I are doing alright, still processing things and trying to make sense of everything that has been happening lately.

We had many good, tearful talks. Shared with each other how tired we are of fighting to become parents, but we don't feel like that fight is over.

For some reason the discussion briefly came back to trying again, but only briefly. If we were to start trying again, we would have no choice but to do IVF. But making a rash decision like going back to treatment at the cusp of dealing with our grief, is not wise, so we decided to stick with the adoption.

I told Michael that I feel like I somehow missed the train when it came time to trying to have a baby, and now every time it comes by, it passes me at 200mph and I'm unable to jump on it.

Its been eight years since I chucked the birth control pills and we decided to start TTC. Its been four years since we started treatments. Three years since the ectopic ruptured my tube, further complicating our chances. Two years since our second miscarriage and when we decided to stop treatments. One year since we decided to pursue domestic infant adoption. And one month since our last match fell apart.

And in all that time my friends have gone on to have their second, third and fourth child.

I hate how lonely IF makes me feel. I know I'm not all alone. I'm so grateful to have Michael walking this rocky road with me. It just seems like such an unfair task, and no one can tell me why we have to be the ones walk the road of IF.

I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it either. Sure I have friends that will listen to me, but sometimes I don't wish to talk to them about the horrible IF thoughts that are raging through my brain.

I don't think they want to hear that a majority of the time I feel like its my fault we can't have children, and because I can't get pregnant, I feel useless. I don't think they want to hear that because everything feels so out of control in my life, that the only thing I can control is what I put in mouth...or don't.

Welcome to ICLW week!!

Its ICLW week and Welcome!

Here are some things you should know about me:

I believe Blu-Ray was made especially for me...I am a Special Features junkie.

I'm a huge Friends fan. (My husband and I are always quoting Friends).

I just finished reading "The Hunger Games Trilogy" and I love "The Boy with the Bread" GO PEETA!!!

My favorite dessert is Banoffee Pie (hadn't heard of it till I lived in Oxford and had it at Pizza Express, it is lush!).

I believe Retail therapy is the best kind of therapy.

I love Doctor Who and can't wait for the Christmas Episode.

That is just a few things about me. If you read some of my past posts you will see that I sometimes make references to Harry Potter things (Shhh, don't tell my mom I'm an HP fan... if you know her IRL, really don't say anything to her ). Have a look around at past posts. You will see some of the things I talk about are pretty raw, but infertility isn't pretty.

Please tell me some things about yourself in the comments :)

Boxed In

I have been going back and forth between angry and weepy. Last week I had a bit of a breakthrough talking to Michael about it. I think I said before that its not so much wanting to know 'Why?' as much as 'What was the point?'.

I think deep down I know what the point of all this was, though its quite personal and I won't share it here. It did help me feel a bit better, if only just a bit.

I started feeling better and so I left the apartment for the first time in two weeks, of my own volition, to go work out. I had realized that I hadn't left the apartment unless someone was 'making' me. I made the excuse of staying home because we are moving into a new apartment and someone has to pack our junk stuff.

Well it felt weird leaving the security of my home, but it was time to get out. I was okay. I worked out, talked to my former co-workers, visited for a while and then headed to Star.bucks. The barista knows me, and so she cheerfully said, "Hi, I haven't seen you in ages, where have you been?" To which I said, "Yeah, its the first time I've been out in two weeks."

Crap, why did I have to open my mouth.

She asked me what happened and then I start to tell her about the adoption and how it fell apart and that is when I started crying right there in my favourite place. She was really sweet about it. She came around from behind the counter and stood next to me while I told her the shorten version of the story. She gave me a hug and my drink and scone were on the house. I started crying again when I realized she wouldn't take my card.

I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I cried...in public...and got a free drink and scone because I cried.

Really, I'm just so tired of grieving. I know its necessary that I do, especially in this instance, but honestly I'm so tired that I have to do it again. I just want to move on and put this behind me.

Anyway, to help me move on, I bought a gift box today to put all the things I had bought for the baby that we aren't going to be using anytime soon. Its nothing much, just some clothes, bibs, and a book. I put the folder from our Baby Care Basics class in there too as well as the ultrasound pic in the book (I couldn't throw it away, that seemed way too harsh).

Also, I got shipping labels to send back the car seat and pack n' play, which I would like to send back this weekend. My mom gets back from TN tomorrow and Monday she wants to do something so hopefully we can fit in going to B r Us to send back the stuff we both bought and then I get my closet back.

I almost didn't leave the house again today. I started crying at random things (well not so random, just the usual baby News Feed on FB).

The interesting thing is the anxiety hasn't returned, but since I'm having trouble leaving the apartment its possible it's already here and I'm just now realizing it.

ETA: All baby stuff has left the building. I got cash from the stuff I returned from B r Us and put it directly on my Star.bucks card (it felt fitting to go there.)