Freezing Time

I realize with this blog, I haven't really been writing about A. I should be, this blog was created to document our journey to become parents...her parents.

...and what a ride it has been.

She is ten months old now, crawling, pulling up to a kneeling position, vocalizing, exploring and terrorizing the cats.

I already miss the days when she would only communicate to us in raspberries.

"She will never be this age again," Michael said, one night after we put her to bed.

My heart sank, because I knew he was right. She would never be, 4 months, 6 months, 8 months old again. As much as I loved each and every stage of her infancy (I could do without the 4 month sleep regression). I'm excited about the new stages of her life that are yet to come, and the learning curve in parenting her that comes with every stage.

I still feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing, though Michael and my mom tell me I'm a good mother. I probably shouldn't let her play underneath her Exersaucer, but she is quiet and happy, so why bother her. I probably shouldn't let her have that unopened, sealed container of tic-tacs, but the container is sealed, I'm watching her and she likes the noise it makes. I probably shouldn't let her take out the Disney VHS tapes on the bottom shelf, but she's happy.

She really is a very happy, easy-going baby - so much that I didn't even know she was teething. Because why would she show the obvious signs of teething (no excessive drool, not really fussy, appetite unchanged). The only out of the ordinary sign - night wakings.

In May, we took her to Walt Disney World - two flights, three time zones, different sleep environment and she did wonderfully. People on the plane were commenting that they didn't even know she was in their section.

She is constantly surprising us with her go-with-the-flow attitude. Especially the 15 hour road trip we took in July to visit Michael's family and introduce her to her cousins.  But maybe this easy going attitude we have is rubbing off on her? Or maybe she just likes to travel?

My nephews, T and K meeting Miss A for the first time.

Can I honestly admit that she was worth the wait? Yes, I can. Though this admission is still hard for me. Mostly because the waiting and the heartache sucked, oftentimes reducing me to a blubbering, crying mess. Many times it felt like ache to have a child would never end.

I remember pleading with God for an end to the journey, the struggle, and pain. Just give me an ending, and answer, God: Are we meant to be parents to a baby, or parents to college students? Because I was so tired of being stuck in the middle for so long.

I know she is not our ending. In fact she is a new beginning and we are already 10 months into that beginning and it is going by so much faster than I anticipated. There are times when I wish I could freeze time, so I could savor each stage of her life at my pace. Because I know one day I'll blink and she will going off to college.

To Fight, or not to Fight? That is the Question...

There was a recent article on Huffington Post about a mom in Millburn, NJ who was beaten severely during a home invasion robbery. The incident was caught on a "nanny cam". It's is very graphic, and horrifying to watch, especially when reading the article the reader learns that this woman's 3 year old daughter was on the couch witnessing her mom get beaten by this intruder. After beating the mom, he threw her down the basement stairs, continued to rob the house of jewelry, and went back to the basement to beat her again.

The woman tells the news reporter that she "took it" because she knew if she screamed, her 3 year old would have screamed to, so her silence was to protect her kids (younger child was napping upstairs).

Someone on my FB newsfeed posted the link to the article and most of the comments on it were along the lines of "the police would have had to scrape him off the floor if it was me".

Really?

In a panic would you have had the presence of mind to take the phone, your child, and hide, or would you have stood your ground and fought back?

I can understand why the woman "took it", but again at what expense? Her 3 year old is traumatized, hopefully not for life, but she will need some sort of counseling. On the other hand, the assailant's attention was solely on the woman, which I think was the woman's intentions.

I think what is bothering me are all these comments from people (some of them moms) "Oh that wouldn't be me. That man wouldn't last 3 seconds...The police would be sifting cornmeal through him..." I appreciate the ferocity in their statements. I understand it, and I too would fight for my life and the life of my child.  But saying it and doing it are two different things. It's just big talk.

Reading between the lines of these statements, it is almost as if the commenters are suggesting that what this mom did (or didn't do) was not brave, simply because she chose not to fight back. Considering the rage this guy had, it was probably a wise choice she didn't fight back as she could have made the incident much worse.

I'm sure fighting back went through that woman's mind. I'm sure she was scared out of her mind, that she likely panicked, not having time to grab her kid, run up the stairs, and lock herself in her bathroom, or her baby's room, and call the police. Maybe she quickly analyzed all the possible scenarios before realizing that the only option left was to just take it, so this person would leave quickly.


In my 8 1/2 months of being a mom, I've had a few "Mama Bear" moments. Nothing compared to this woman's experience, but it was a MB moment. This one occurred when A was brand new, and the pediatrician assigned to us was not listening when I kept telling her that A was turning blue while we were feeding her, and gasping for air when we put her to sleep on her back.

"She's got reflux."

"What about her breathing?"

"You will need to switch formulas."

"What about her breathing?"

"You will also need to hold her upright for 20 minutes after feeding."

"What. About. Her. Breathing?"

(Thoroughly exasperated) "If she turns blue the next time you are feeding her, take her to the ER."

A turned blue that night, three times while we were feeding her and when we attempted to burp her she was gasping for air.

I know what happened, the Ped was likely writing me off as a nervous first time mother. Something was wrong with my child and no one believed me. Once we took A to the ER, the nurses and the Dr on call hooked A up to a pulse oxy machine and saw for themselves while I fed her, that she fell into the 60s and turned a dusky ashen color. They admitted her, and transferred her to their Children's Hospital. (She stayed there for 10 days, had surgery to open her airway, endured multiple tests, and was eventually cleared to go home.)One of the nurses hugged me, and said, "You did the right thing bringing her in."  They believed me. The fight was not in vain. I could finally let out the breath I was holding.


I honestly don't know what I would have done if I was in that Millburn, NJ woman's shoes. I know I would protect my child, that is a given. I don't know if I would have just stood there and taken a severe beating from an intruder, but if it took the attention away from my child and protected her from being assaulted...then yes. In the grand scheme of things I like to think that I would have taken my child, called the police and hid.

It just pains me that this woman endured so much, such a senseless act of violence - for what a few hundred dollars worth of jewelry?

I hope she and her child make a quick recovery and get the help that they need to be able to live through this horrific incident.

I hope they catch the intruder, so that this does not happen ever again.

Survivors' Guilt

UGH! Has it really been five months since I last posted?

I swore to myself that I would keep this blog up. Sorry for being MIA.

Last time I wrote we were approaching the dreaded 4-month sleep regression, and let me tell you, that was hard. We went from short naps, to no naps, to overtired infant and sleep-deprived mom. It was madness. On top of that, her reflux meds needed to be adjusted for her weight. No wonder she didn't want to nap.

I found this wonderful baby sleep site called Troublesome Tots. The woman is a genius. Started putting A in a swing for naps, and it helped her sleep by having her upright, as well as "teaching" her how to fall asleep on her own. At night I played with "Putting her down awake" and some days it worked, some days not so much.

At five months we moved A to her own room, which was the best move we could have done. She slept much better in her own space.

At six months we moved her out of her pack n' play and into her crib, though still having her sleep in a swing for naps. Three weeks later A weaned herself off the swing and is now sleeping exclusively in her crib.

A is seven months now, no teeth and still sleeping through the night. She can roll over from tummy to back and back to tummy. She likes to squeal real loudly and scare the cats. I put her in the infant carrier and we go for walks, but since she is so fair I have to be careful about the sun for fear she might burst into flames.

Even after seven months it's still so surreal that we have a baby.

Speaking of surreal...Mother's day was a whole new experience.

For awhile, even after having A, I was still struggling with the concept of "Mothers' Day". I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to church, go to brunch, or just spend the day with my mom walking around antique shops (something we always do). I didn't really want to think about it.

Mothers' Day had always been this longed-for treasured experience, that over the years turned into my biggest enemy (along with her mate, Fathers' Day). Nine years of hating this day, and all of a sudden I'm suppose to put on a happy face and forget the past? But I am happy, so why do I feel so guilty?

One morning I had a breakthrough when it hit me why I was feeling the way I was...

Survivors' guilt.

I don't know if this is a common feeling among couples who are parenting after infertility. I don't think it is shared much for fear that the couple may be labeled "ungrateful" or "crazy". I questioned celebrating Mothers' Day, mostly because I still have friends that are deep in the trenches of infertility and loss.

But at the same time, I had "crossed over" and I felt I'd be doing a disservice to myself and my friends if I didn't enjoy the day, and it was a great day.

I was actually happy, which I haven't allowed myself to be happy on that day for the last 9 years.  We even went to church. It was surreal being out with A and my mom and not have this heavy weight of "what could have been". Instead it was a welcoming lightness of "what is to come".

However, I would not be able to celebrate Mothers' day if it wasn't for one brave young woman who made the most courageous sacrifice, so that I could become a mother. Thank you!

Strange Things Are Afoot

Life with an infant for the past three and a half months has definitely changed things in our lives.

Well duh, I knew things would be different. I knew things would change. I knew my days of sleeping in and playing 5 hours of Harry Potter Lego were long gone.

Do I miss playing Harry Potter lego on Wii? Sure. Do I miss the frustration of waiting for a match or simply to hear from our agency? NOOO!

About a month into caring for our daughter I started to notice some interesting things. I was starting to lose the curl in my hair (I have naturally curly hair...or HAD it). At first I thought it was because I straighten my hair a lot, but usually if I stopped straightening (really, who has time to straighten their hair looking after a 4 week old?) the curl in my hair would come back.

She is three months old, almost four and my curly hair has not returned. So I've gone back to straightening my hair because my almost curly hair just looks frizzy and awful.

Another odd thing, since the placement in October, my cycles have been regular and I think I ovulated on my own for the first time ever. Did I do anything about it? NO.

I'm not sure how I feel about my cycles regulating. Maybe it was a fluke two months in a row. I know I should be happy. I know I should be ecstatic that I ovulated on my own for the first time in 10 years. I know some of you want to throw rotten fruit or a few choice words at me that I should be happy and just suck it up.

But I'm not happy. Dont get my wrong, I'm thankful my cycles are regulating without help. It just doesn't make sense to me why NOW, of all times, my body is starting to cooperate.

Michael (and a few other people) have told me that it's my "mommy hormones" that are kicking in and changing things, like my curl, and my cycles.

Can that really happen? 

I know I should be happy about this, but the timing is all wrong. I can't even think about a second child right now.

But what if a year from now I "miss the train". UGH! I guess I can't worry about that now.

In other news, things are going good. Miss A is trying to sit up, is enjoying tummy time more than last month, and is loving her activity gym. We are currently struggling with naps. She sleeps through the night (don't hate me), but daytime naps are a bit a of a challenge right now. I'm hoping it's just a phase. She will fight me to go down for a nap, but I know she is tired. I'm trying to be super vigilant about her not getting overtired so I'm putting her down after only being awake for an hour and a half. I'm hopeful things will improve. I think this just might be something I need to teach her how to do.