I haven't really posted in a while. Mostly because the thoughts running through my head are kind of sad and pathetic. Lately I haven't been able to sleep. I get tired, my eyes hurt, my body is ready for sleep, but my brain just can't shut off.
I lay my head on my pillow, turn off the TV, close my eyes to go to sleep and all I can think about is "I hate being infertile. I hate that I can't get pregnant. I hate that somedays I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women. I hate feeling so different from everyone else. I hate that I feel like I've been waiting for the next phase of my life to begin for the last 6 years. I hate that I sound so pathetic."
I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if we could have kids of our own. I'd be worrying about which pre-school to enroll them in, rather then which adoption agency to use.
I don't have these thoughts all the time. I think what sparked them was our meeting with a Social Worker of an Adoption agency last week. Everything went fine. She was very sweet. She answered our questions and talked us through the whole process. The only downer part of the meeting came when discussing the fees.
Why does it have to cost so much money? I feel like I'm buying a baby instead of adopting one.
Interestingly enough the waiting part didn't bother me. Twelve to eighteen months - I've been waiting 6 years for a baby, what's another year and half?
Michael and I still haven't made a decision as far as which agency we are choosing. I think we just want to make sure we choose the right one.
Please God, help us choose the right agency.
#Microblog Monday 551: New Words
13 hours ago
5 comments:
I know what you mean about feeling like you are buying a baby. We spent about 15k to get to this point... it just feels wasteful to me sometimes when I look at the world. But then.. I remember that God provided the money, that I prayed He would rule in His time in the situation, and that HE put those desires in our heart. The beauty of this all Jonelle is, God knows your son or daughter now, and He has picked YOU for them. He cares about you that much, and He cares about your child enough to give them you. His Will is going to reign in this. I don't know which agency is right for you, I don't know where your child is right now, if he or she is even born, but I do know that this His situation and that it will work out exactly as He plans. Praying for your peace. Love you!
Thanks Bre,
I know that God has the perfect child for us out there. And I'm not like this all the time. It just feels like another uphill battle. First it was infertility and now sometimes it feels like adoption.
Thanks again for the encouraging words.
It is another uphill battle. It is more of a fight than it should be. It isn't fair when you see people wasting their children or their blessings. God I wish it was.
Jonelle,
Been there! It's so hard to look at adoption and not feel that way! I honestly feel like that's why we are so drawn to embryo adoption.
Still praying for you as you decide which agency to use!
Hugs to you!
Jonelle, I'm sorry you are feeling all those ways, but I can understand your thoughts. Like your frineds said, God already has it all planned out for you and He will give you a child in His perfect timing. Something to think about, if you adopt through the county (which I know is not something you want to do right now), it is free. Also, they also have some families that have gone through some extra classes and are put on a waiting list for babies that are relinquished by the parents' decision. It's just something else to consider....
Post a Comment