I feel like half of the year I'm holding my breath and counting the days until one month passes into the next.
Case in point, February. I hate February and I'm so thankful it is the shortest month of the year. February is when everything changed for us. February is when the ectopic happened. February is when everything became much more complicated in our quest to have a baby. February is when our "just an ovulation problem" became a "tubal factor" and "ovulation problem". So for the past two Februarys I've held my breath and prayed for March to come fast.
I love March. Our anniversary is in March and we always go to Disneyland, dodging the strollers all day in our mission to get to the good rides.
But this year I found myself once again holding my breath when April came. April would have been my due date month had I not miscarried in August.
And now we are in May and I'm still holding my breath, praying tomorrow and the rest of this month goes by fast. I don't like Mother's Day. I haven't gone to church on MD for the last two years. I just can't do it. Its too hard. I couldn't even make it through a baby dedication in January, I doubt my heart will allow me to make it through a church service. I'm not sure if I'll ever make my peace with Mother's Day.
I've been holding my breath through this month for the past 6 years, more so in the last 3 years since turning 30. The breath holding doesn't stop after Mother's Day, it continues until the day before my birthday, near the end of May, when I'm reminded that I'll be another year older and still no baby.
Its harder this year, because we're not trying to have a baby anymore. We're no longer doing treatments, and I'm sad. Sad that I'll never get to see my babies, heartbroken that they weren't meant for this world and tired of trying to put a happy face on a situation that sucks.
I'm not sure what kind of day I'll have tomorrow. I know the day is not all about me. I have a mom and Mother's Day is when I can honor her as my mom, and be thankful I get to spend such a day with her.
I just hate that I feel forgotten.
I'm sure I'll be holding my breath through most of tomorrow, but I'll do my best to remember to breathe.
#Microblog Monday 551: New Words
11 hours ago
9 comments:
{{{Jonelle}}} Love you and praying for you today, my friend.
(((HUGS))) to you today....I know about breath holding. I have a month or two like that, and today is no exception....hang in there sweetie.
Hey hun, I'm sending thoughts & prayers your way today!
Breathe. It's important to breath ... sometimes letting a fresh cool breath in is what makes these difficult times go smoother.
I had such a difficult time doing that for so many years ... so much that sometimes I found myself hyperventilating for no reason at all. It was only when a friend pointed out to me, during one of my MANY periods of anxiety-induced crying, that I hadn't taken a breath in a minute or so that I realized she was right.
For what it's worth, sometimes that slow inhale and slow exhale is what it takes to get a fresh perspective on things.
((HUGS)) You're in my thoughts ...
xoxo
Em
regarding the note you left on my blog:
I love Shaun of the Dead, there was one day I watched it 3 times in a row. If you have not seen Dawn of the Dead the remake or the 28 Days/Weeks later movies, they are a must.
also I don't mean to pry too hard, but I'm wondering exactly what made you stop trying?
Its okay, you're not prying. We stopped actively trying, but at the moment we are not preventing either. However, the odds of us getting pregnant on our own, without medical intervention, are extremely low considering I don't ovulate on my own and that I only have one tube near an ovary that isn't dominate. We discontinued treatment because financially we couldn't afford it anymore ($1500 for each injectable cycle attempt) and we were just tired of it not working. Kaiser only offers 3 IUIs. We got lucky when they offered a 4th and it was the best cycle we ever had. After the 4th IUI resulted in miscarriage #2, we were done. After six years of trying, it was time to find a new focus. I still struggle some days with the not trying, but not a lot.
I just had my final IUI and have decided to move on to IVF if that doesn't work. I don't ovulate either and at this rate, just don't get pregnant. the RE said it was like having to flip heads and you get tails 5 times. sometimes it just doesn't work out. Is there any reason you don't want to or can't move on to IVF?
We don't have a problem with other people doing IVF, but we both didn't feel comfortable with IVF for various reasons, mostly ethical. We believe that life begins with conception and we didn't want to think about the possibility of ever having to freeze embryos. And two we didn't want to fork over 10K+ and the possibility of it not working and be out of money we could have used toward adoption.
Ok then don't watch the other movies I suggested. haha.
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