Stuck in The Valley of Grief

I haven't been a good blogger lately. I really haven't had anything to say...well that is a lie. I have had stuff to say, but fear that I may offend people I love and trample on the new joy that they are experiencing has prevented me from blogging.

Writing is such a release for me and not being able to express what I'm feeling is starting to take its toll.

Lately with everything that has been happening I feel like I'm regressing. All that time spent in grief counselling now seems worthless. I feel like I'm in the deepest valley of our grief and for the life of me I can't seem to climb my way out of it.

I've cried more times this month, than I'd like to admit. I haven't slept well in two weeks and both weekends I've been sick.

And when I really think about what it is that is bothering me, the only conclusion I can find is that...I miss my babies. Granted with both I only knew I was pregnant for a little more than 12 hours before I lost both of them, but for a moment, just a tiny moment there was a life and it was half me and half Michael. After four years it had finally happened, but they weren't meant to be with us, and that reality hurts the closer I get to 35 at which point my already bad eggs will ultimately be useless.

I guess the other thing I'm struggling with is the recurring feeling of being forgotten by God. I know thats not true, but it feels true. I know He hears me. I know He sees the grief I'm feeling. And I know there are a lot of people out there that have had it worse than we have. I'm just so tired. I don't want to go through this anymore.

I've been told I'm a strong person, but I don't feel strong, not today, not this month. I feel so beaten down by IF lately, that there are some days I don't think I'll ever be able to stand up straight.

*Breathe*

*Breathe*

*Breathe*

Not Meant for this World

We wanted to have two kids,

That was our plan, our dream.

Just two, a good even number,

One boy, one girl, one of each.

We set to planning when we would start.

“It should take less than a year,” they said.

“We won’t have a problem,” we said.

One year turned into three,

Eventually became four, then six.

Now seven years of waiting and trying,

Praying and hoping, that one day,

Our love would bring a baby into this world.

We waited for you both, and those days did come.

But you both weren’t meant for this world.

So tonight we’ll light a candle,

Remembering your short time with us,

Honouring your place in our hearts,

Until we see you once again.