Part of my job as a circuit coach is to stand in the circuit and make sure the members are using the machines correctly so they don't hurt themselves. The other part of that job is talking to them. I stick to safe subjects like tv shows, movies, pets and some times nutrition although this last one usually escalates into which resturants in the neighborhood have the best desserts.
I try my hardest to steer the conversations away from me. I don't like talking about me, unless they ask me about Jack. I love talking about my kitty. He is after all my most precious furbaby. He does a lot of funny things, so I have lots of stories. But I digress.
I was talking to a member the other day and the conversation was going pretty good. Then she says to me in an afterthought fashion, "Oh, I never asked you if you had kids..."[me: blank stare, wide eyes, speechless]..."Do you have kids?...Do you not want kids?" [me: found voice "I have a cat..."]
And just like that in a matter of seconds I made the decision to lie, to not divulge any further information, and not clarify to her that her assumption was incorrect.
Why? Because I just didn't have the energy to go into my story with her. I didn't have it in me to pour my heart out to this random person about how much I want to be a mother. Lying was the safest option at my disposal.
What saved me from dissolving into a puddle of guilt? Knowing that ultimately I can choose who I tell my story to and this person wasn't meant to hear it. So I lied about my desire to have children and I let her assume I didn't want kids.
Does that make me a bad person for lying to protect my self preservation? I don't think so. I don't make it a habit of lying, but I'll make an exception when my fertility becomes the topic in casual conversation with random strangers.
*facepalm* I hate the talking part of my job. I hate talking about me.
Infertility, thou art a heartless b*?&#!
5 comments:
One of the things I have learned in this journey is to simply not ask. Most people with children volunteer that information pretty quickly. It's become a question akin to "what kind of underwear are you wearing today?". I'm sorry you were blindsided :( But do I think what you did was wrong? No. Like you said, it's self-preservation. You can't ALWAYS be open. Sometimes you have to have a wall. HUGS.
This is probably totally taking a Scripture out of context, but I always think of the verse that says "don't cast your pearls before swine". This thing that is absolutely precious to you isn't something that the other person will value, so it's not worth letting them know you have this "pearl".
Also, years back, when I was in some pretty deep personal counseling, my counselor would tell me that I didn't have to feel obligated to tell anyone I was going through counseling since it is such a personal thing. He said that it was really not much harder than just putting on happy face when people ask how you're doing and you say "fine". They probably never did want to know how you're really doing in the first place, so there is no obligation to give them a truthful answer. That's how I view things like that.
Two weeks ago Ihad to go to Target to get some babyproofing things since our dog was getting into our pantry every day. I got a couple door lock things and the lady at the register said "oh how fun you are babyproofing your house!" and I just said "Yep!" and smiled along with her. No use getting down and dirty with the Target lady over that but it was like a punch in the gut.
All that to say, I think you're perfectly justified in lying - they aren't in a receptive position to hear what you would have to say if you did answer truthfully so you're not obligated to tell them the honest truth.
Todd
Good for you for only telling what you wanted to! That's one of the hardest questions to hear!
New reader here...hi!
You didn't lie, you just didn't need to say anything. Let others think what they want, but know that if you did want to share that would be ok too.
One thing I learned/still deal with on my journey is that I cannot be defined by my IF. It is not ME...only a part. Hope that helps?
~Nicole
it took me awhile to realize i don't owe every person who asks an explanation about our family-building plans. i had a few conversations w/acquaintances & strangers that ended w/me in tears and finally it occurred to me that I have a choice in terms of who I share our personal story with and that no one has the "right" to hear it simply b/c they asked.
protect yourself. share w/those you can support you. otherwise, its really not anyone else's business.
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