Now What?

As you read a couple of posts ago our Home Study was completed at the end of December. But now that there is nothing else to do for the adoption I find myself residing in the "Now What?".

There is nothing else to do now, but wait. Don't get me wrong, I knew waiting was part of this process, and considering our agency is out of state, I knew we would be in for an even longer wait. And really we haven't been waiting that long, so what's my problem?

Well its not just 6 months we've been waiting for a baby. Its been nearly 7 1/2 years that we've been waiting. Some days I'm okay with it...and other days I'm not.

On the days I'm okay with the wait, the anticipation of being matched doesn't bother me. I get to enjoy life being just the two of us for a little longer. We can go to the movies whenever we want, go to Disneyland at a moments notice, or fly across the country if we wanted to.

I can cruise by the Baby section at Tar.get and instead of a dull ache in my chest there's a geniune curiosity as to what I would want to buy for our baby should we get matched with one.

And on the days that I'm not okay with the waiting, the grief of IF seems so unbearable. I feel transparent everywhere I go, like everyone around me can see that I'm infertile and grieving. My shoulders physically hurt from the weight of it pressing down on me. My chest hurts from holding my breath as I try not to have a panic attack on "trigger moments."

Trigger moments for me are sometimes at work. I still find that I am constantly uncomfortable with meeting new people, and meeting new people is part of my job. I can't converse with new members as freely as my co-workers can. I clam up as soon as they ask me about my life and what I do outside of my job since I only work three times a week. They ask about children and whether I've got any of my own. I shut down, because there should be children, but I haven't been able to have any. I just can't bring myself to tell them I'm infertile.

I feel guilty that there are some days that I still grieve my infertility and our dream children. Especially now that we are in the middle of the adoption process. I feel ashamed that I still can't go to baby showers or baby dedications. I hate that sometimes I still feel so separate from my friends that have children.

But then I'm reminded that grief doesn't just go away, because years or months have separated me from the loss. I have to remember that grief comes in waves and ebbs and flows in and out of my life whether I'm ready for it or not. And when it does come I have to remember to breathe, and try not to carry the grief all on my own. I need to ask for help and be okay with crying it out.

So now what?

We go to the movies, go to Disneyland, and wait and pray for our child.