Finding My Place

For years since we started TTC and lately since we decided not to try anymore, (I can't believe its been more than an year since we made that decision), and redirect our focus on adoption, I still struggle sometimes with finding my place amongst my friends, mostly at church. We go to church on a college campus and our congregation is a good mixture of college students and families . I love my church. I love my pastor and his family. I just don't know sometimes were we fit in. Most of all, I hate when my brain overanalyzes where we don't fit in.

I don't feel like I fit in with the new and younger moms at my church. They seem to find and gravitate toward each other. They have that commonality - their children and the fact that they are parents.

I don't feel we really fit in with the college students. While they are nice and fun to talk to and make me feel liked and loved, they have their own crowd. I don't think they want to hang out with a 30 something like me or their professor (Michael) at church.

I don't feel we fit in with the empty nesters either, though they are a fun bunch to hang out with.
Now that we are paper ready in regards to our adoption I still feel like I'm so close, yet still so far away from being where I want to be.

I know I shouldn't worry about fitting in, but there are times I'm just so tired of feeling excluded.

I learned the other week that there is another pregnant worman at my church. *sigh* I think its safe to say that I'm always going to feel jealous of any pregnant woman I see whether I am friends with her or not.  I feel horrible that I can't even look at her/them in the face. I'm afraid if I do she will be able to perform Legilimency on me and see my jealousy.

I struggled a bit last year when my best friend was pregnant. I was happy for her, don't get me wrong, just sad for us. I think had we (Michael and I) been matched and waiting for placement, it might have made it a bit easier. But I think as long as I and my friends are within child-bearing age, seeing them being able to continue to build their family is going to be hard. I think as long as I acknowledge that difficulty it will help me to move on.

Lately I've been having a problem with the waiting. I knew going into this adoption process that we had the odds stacked against us regarding a match since we are out of state.  Michael had wanted me to send an email to our agency just to check in with them. At first I didn't see the point of sending them an email. I really didn't know what I would say, but after a while I sent one anyway.

I was told that they have had many birthmothers come to them, but they have either placed with local families or they have an Indian card.  While I was happy to get a response back from our agency, it wasn't the response I was hoping to receive. This news just made me further discouraged with this entire process.

This adoption isn't going to work out at all, isn't it?

No one is going to want to place their baby with us because we live out of their state, are they?

This is going to be just like fertility treatments all over again except without the hormonal changes, right?

After my mild tantrum directed at God, I did the only thing I knew I had to do at that moment. I realized I needed to pray. I cried and gave it all to God because I didn't want to carry the hurt, jealousy or rejection anymore.

I realized what it was that I was doing. I wanted a guarantee that this adoption was going to work out. I wanted reassurance that this wait would be worth it. Basically I wanted a spoiler in this area of our adoption journey. Please God, spoil me. I promise to act surprised.

Once I realized what it was that I was doing, it was such a relief to let it go and give it to God. I realize this isn't just a one time thing. I'm sure I'll need to constantly do this should I start to get obsessed again about the wait and feeling discouraged that no one wants to see our profile.

So once again I won't put anything on hold. I won't pass up an opportunity to travel somewhere I've never been. I'll enjoy my Family of two status. I'll live in the now, today, because I can't afford to wonder what will happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. I will take comfort in knowing that my place is right next to my husband.

Happy ICLW week!

Welcome to March ICLW week! I look forward to reading new blogs and having new readers. I will try to  be good and post more often then I have been doing. You can find our story here.

Here are a few things about me.

Three names I go by:
1. Jonelle
2. Mija
3. Babydoll

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Journals Customer Service Advisor
2. Bank Teller
3. Sales Clerk

Three places I have lived:
1. Downey, CA
2. Pico Rivera, CA
3. Oxford, England

Three favorite drinks:
1. Grande Skinny Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte, No Whip, No Foam
2. Venti Black Tea Lemonade (Sweetened)
3. Mango Lemonade

Three TV shows that I watch:
1. Mythbusters
2. Big Bang Theory
3. Friends

Three Movies I enjoy
1. Sixteen Candles
2. Ferris Bueller's Day off
3 Clueless

Three places I have been:
1. Orlando, FL (Wizarding World of Harry Potter!)
2. Roswell, NM
3. Atlanta, GA

Three of my favorite restaurants:
1. Outback Steakhouse
2. Mi Ranchito
3. Cheesecake Factory / California Pizza Kitchen

Three things I'm looking forward to:
1. Date Nights with Michael
2. Trips to Disneyland
3. Seeing where God takes me and Michael

Crazy Cat Lady

I knew better than to comment on my friend's FB status regarding her admiration for her child's recent accomplishment. I knew that by commenting I'd be opening myself up to ridicule and maybe criticism, not from her, but possibly from our mutual FB friends. I knew all that and I commented anyway.

She is my oldest and dearest friend. I love her, and like all of my friends who have children, I am slightly jealous that she gets to be a mom. My comment was in no way intended to degrade her child's accomplishment or her joy in basking in that accomplishment.

I don't have a child to brag about, or a similar experience to share. Instead I have cat stories, so I gave one acknowledging that my cat's acheivement (I swear I heard 'Mama' in a meow once) was obviously not as amazing as listening to your child read to you, but was just as cool.

Not only does my dear friend have a great sense of humor, she knows my heart and how long we have struggled to have a child.

It was a mutual friend, whose sense of humor you either love or hate and at times can border on the unkind, made a comment that on the surface was funny but hurtful to the core. Basically this person commented that after 18 years I proved them right by becoming the Crazy Cat Lady.

Intially it made me laugh. Then I could feel the air slowly escape my lungs. No, no, no, don't cry, Jonelle! The snarky, yet factual part of my brain took over before the weepy, emotional part of my brain could stew in the comment. I quickly responded with, "When you're not able to have children, you become the Crazy Cat Lady."

I'm not proud of the motive behind my response to this person. I'm not proud that I wanted to make this person feel bad about reminding me about my crazy cat lady status, because when it comes down to it, this person was right. I did become the Crazy Cat Lady, not by choice...it just happened somewhere between year 3 and year 5 of trying to have a baby, hormones being overtaken by fertility drugs, the repetitive crash and burn of a medicated cycle and being constantly disappointed with failed IUIs and miscarriages, that I became a Crazy Cat Lady.



Grab your starter kit today.



I'm confused. Because while this comment initially hurt my feelings after a while I really didn't care. In fact, after I posted my reply, I embraced my CCL status by posting this picture from ihazcheeseburger.com. 

Why should I be ashamed of having a cat? Jack has helped me during the darkest days of IF. He has been there when I couldn't be bothered to get up off the couch, because I couldn't stop crying over another failed cycle, or miscarriage. Even now, when I'm having a bad day he will follow me around the apartment to make sure I'm okay. So what if I talk to my cat as if he understands what I'm saying. I'd like to think he actually does understand me, though I know he really doesn't.

People talk about their kids all the time, why can't I talk about my cat? Because if I do, I'm called a Crazy Cat Lady. But if I had a child, and talked about him/her all the time, I'd be called a Proud Parent.

And really, I'm not certain you become a CCL if you only have one cat. I'd like to think that instead of a being a CCL, I'm a Dedicated Pet Parent.

So, I've been called a D.I.N.K, a Woman of Leisure and now Crazy Cat Lady. Excellent.