Invisibility Cloak

If you haven't figured out by now I'm a huge Harry Potter fan (shhh, don't tell my my mom, really if you know her don't tell her). One of the things I love about HP, besides the story, the characters, and the entire world JK Rowling has created, are the little bits of magical items associated with the world of Harry Potter.

I love Harry's Invisibility Cloak. It had once belonged to his father, James. In Book 1 Harry receives it as a Christmas gift from Dumbledore with a note that instructs Harry 'to use it well'. Throughout the series, Harry takes Dumbledore on that offer (sneaking out of bed after curfew (book 1 & 2), sneaking into Hogsmeade (book 3), eventually using it for protection (book 6) while on the run (book 7)). I think one of my favorite times that he uses the Cloak is in Book 4.  Its for something really simple, and understated. He uses it simply because he doesn't want to be noticed.

I know Invisibility Cloaks are not real. There are some days I wish they were real because I'd love to have one. Just to have one so I can go about my day unnoticed by people.

I don't know what that says about me. Maybe because there are some days that I just don't wish to be noticed or seen. Because if I'm not seen, I don't have to answer questions about how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. And if people don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, they won't judge me.

This all sounds really depressing. I know, but it was something that I was thinking about. I don't feel like this all the time. Generally I like being around people, but mostly as a silent observer and not really a vocal participant. I think it also depends on my mood and what kind of group setting I'm in. I realize that I deal really well one on one or a small group setting. Large groups still kind of freak me out.

I'm just having a hard time with the waiting. I think I'll always have a hard time with it. I think its affecting me more because of the pregnant women I see every week at church. Hence, the need for an Invisibility Cloak. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for them. Its not their fault I can't get pregnant.

I just wonder when will it ever be my turn. When am I going to be a mom? Will I ever get the opportunity? Am I meant to be one? Or is this adoption just something that we are supposed to do as part of our journey like with the IF treatments? IF treatments didn't result in a child for us, and I don't know if this adoption will either. I hope it will, but I don't know if it will.

And the thing is, the ache will still be there once their babies come and I'll still be waiting...

So Harry Potter, Happy Birthday. And if you aren't using your Invisibility Cloak on an Auror mission, I'd really like to borrow it.