First I just want to say thanks for all the kind words everyone left on my last, last post. It meant a lot to know that you all care.
Michael and I are doing alright, still processing things and trying to make sense of everything that has been happening lately.
We had many good, tearful talks. Shared with each other how tired we are of fighting to become parents, but we don't feel like that fight is over.
For some reason the discussion briefly came back to trying again, but only briefly. If we were to start trying again, we would have no choice but to do IVF. But making a rash decision like going back to treatment at the cusp of dealing with our grief, is not wise, so we decided to stick with the adoption.
I told Michael that I feel like I somehow missed the train when it came time to trying to have a baby, and now every time it comes by, it passes me at 200mph and I'm unable to jump on it.
Its been eight years since I chucked the birth control pills and we decided to start TTC. Its been four years since we started treatments. Three years since the ectopic ruptured my tube, further complicating our chances. Two years since our second miscarriage and when we decided to stop treatments. One year since we decided to pursue domestic infant adoption. And one month since our last match fell apart.
And in all that time my friends have gone on to have their second, third and fourth child.
I hate how lonely IF makes me feel. I know I'm not all alone. I'm so grateful to have Michael walking this rocky road with me. It just seems like such an unfair task, and no one can tell me why we have to be the ones walk the road of IF.
I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it either. Sure I have friends that will listen to me, but sometimes I don't wish to talk to them about the horrible IF thoughts that are raging through my brain.
I don't think they want to hear that a majority of the time I feel like its my fault we can't have children, and because I can't get pregnant, I feel useless. I don't think they want to hear that because everything feels so out of control in my life, that the only thing I can control is what I put in mouth...or don't.
#Microblog Monday 551: New Words
13 hours ago
11 comments:
Here from ICLW. I'm sorry you've had such a long, rough road to family building and especially to hear about your recent failed match. :-(
You're last paragraph really got me. I can relate so much to everything you said there: the sense that no one wants to here about the nitty gritty details of what IF does to a person, the feeling of uselessness and the lack of control. It really sucks to feel that way and not being able to talk about it makes it so much worse!
(((Hugs)))
(ICLW #66)
Hello! I am just visiting from ICLW and I am sorry you have traveled such a hard road. I can't tell anyone why we went down these hard roads but it is never our fault and we shouldn't ever feel like failures (even though we do). Failure is a word I used to describe myself when it came to giving my DH a family. Dealing with the grief is hard but hopefully there will be an infant in your future to heal all of those wounds.
ICLW #21- Donor Diva
Hi, I am here from ICLW, and I identify with the loneliness, it is probably the hardest part about IF. THe fact that everyone else seems to be having a hoard of babies and you are left alone, trying... Blogging has helped me immensely with this feeling. You will be a wonderful mother when the time comes. You are very determined, and one way or another you will hold your baby in your arms.
I am so sorry to hear things are rough emotionally right now. But know you are not the only one to have these feelings. I am struggling a lot with our upcoming 6 year TTC-a-versary and that's less time than you guys, and I do think the adoption train adds to the feelings of lack of control. Thinking of you.
I can feel how sad and tired you are in this post. Feeling out of control and helpless is so difficult. I often felt the same way you describe in your last paragraph--at fault and useless--IF is a hard road, and you are navigating it as best you can. I hope you will feel better and not let IF convince you that you are at fault or useless. You are strong and beautiful.
It is a difficult road and so often I find myself wanting to tell a friend but really most of them wouldn't know whether to hug me or give me bad advice. Most often it the bad advice. All I can say is keep hope.
I'm here for the first time from ICLW, and after reading a few of your posts, I just want to give you a huge hug. The IF road is a long, lonely one unfortunately. But I hope that things turn up for you soon and the road gets a little easier.
Hugs to you, dear.
Your words could be my words. The journey, the pain, the emotions - we're very similar. I hope you know if you ever need to talk and just have a listening ear you can count on your readers. You are not alone no matter how lonely this feels.
I can also identify with the pain. I didn't have any real-life friends that truly understood the pain of infertility so I really didn't have anyone to talk to. My husband felt helpless, too so I didn't really cry out to him very often through our infertility journey. I started my blog as an outlet and I'm so thankful for the IF/adoption community that "got" me. You are not alone.
I feel so much of myself in this post! When I read your words, I find myself nodding and thinking "yup, I agree". Please know you are not alone. I know it doesn't really help, but there are others who understand and you can always throw your feelings out here.
Btw, I'm a new follower!
ICLW #35
Muah. xoxoxxo
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