Don't Ignore...

I remember a time in our infertility journey when I had kept our struggles to ourselves. For six years I had never told anyone about the difficulties we were experiencing trying to have a child. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit we had a problem.

Once we decided to stop treatment and to stop actively trying, it didn't really make sense to keep our struggle with infertility a secret anymore. Plus, keeping a secret like infertility to yourself, takes so much work, and to be honest. I was tired of keeping secrets.

Two years ago Resolve.org challenged couples living with infertility to "Take the Pledge". For most of us, this involved us 'outing ourselves' on Face.book about our infertility struggles. I remember feeling apprehensive and nervous at the prospect of admitting to my FB friends that Michael and I have an infertility problem. But I did it, and I was surprised by the overwhelming out pour of support and love from my friends.

Last year we were asked to "Bust an Infertility Myth". I wrote mine in regards to "Adoption is a Quick Fix to an Infertility Problem". Again, it was well received by my friends and I'm sure it gave them a better understanding of the new challenges that Michael and I were dealing with as we pursue Domestic Infant Adoption.

This year during National Infertility Awareness Week the theme is "Don't Ignore Infertility".

Don't ignore infertility.

I know for me, there are times when I'd like to ignore infertility, because there are days - like hearing a pregnancy announcement, walking past the baby aisle at Tar.get, or going to church and stumbling upon a baby dedication; that infertility speaks louder than ever in my ear.

It's all consuming and suffocating, because it is these reminders that trigger the losses I've had to mourn.

But then there are other moments, like two weeks ago when Michael and I spoke in Chapel at his school about our story. Or this week where I feel encouraged and empowered to spread the word, even if it's only on Facebook, about my struggle and frustrations about being an Infertile complete with snarky FB statuses, because I know there are other people just like me doing the exact same thing.

Not all people feel that they can share something as personal as their infertility with others, especially on FB, and that's okay. Its not for everyone. I just hope they are not ignoring the pain that comes with living with infertility.

Don't ignore the pain of infertility, or each other.

One thing that I have learned over the years, with the help of grief counseling, is that there is much grief involved when living with infertility. Feelings of shame, inadequacy, loneliness, and loss are all natural feelings that ought to be dealt with, not ignored.

If left untreated, these feelings tend to remain bottled up and make for a messy, unpleasant meltdown that renders the sufferer housebound hyperventalating, surrounded by snot rags and left with a crying hangover.

Never tell an infertile, that he/she ought to remain busy in order to not have to deal with the pain he/she is currently experiencing. (Yes, that was told to me, and it didn't work, because I was already doing just that, hiding from the pain.)

I find it interesting that when I discover a new someone in my life, either through church or work, that has an infertility history, I seem to gravitate to them. Instantly, I regret that I wasn't able to meet them sooner, because they become a "comrade in arms" with me, so to speak.

In March 2006, Michael and I had reached year 2 1/2 of trying and year 5 of our marriage (when ALL the inappropriate questions about kids and whether or not we want them, seem to start).  Meeting new people had often been a difficult thing for me, mostly because I'm an introvert.

One time, at a school function, we had been seated at a table with a handful of people we didn't know. I was asked by the lady sitting next to me, who looked similar in age to me,

"So do you have children?"

"No," I responded.

"Oh," she said.

She turned to talk to her friend sitting on the other side of her, and didn't speak to me the rest of the night.

I was crushed, and from that day on I had kept our infertility to myself.

No one should have to endure an encounter like this one.

Don't ignore me, or other people with infertility.




*For a better understanding of the disease of infertility please click here.