An Apology to My Readers

I haven't been a good blogger. Mostly because there really isn't anything to post about because nothing, and I mean nothing has been happening.

We switched agencies, but I haven't had the time to make a profile yet (which is on me and no one's fault). Haven't heard anything from the other agency, which isn't so unusual.

I feel like the only thing happening right now is a constant trigger of sadness and anger. It comes and goes in waves. Some days, weeks I'm fine, and then it all seems to hit me all at once and I'm a crying, blubbering mess.

Its been nearly a year since the failed match and you'd think I'd be over it. I know I can't put a timeline on grief, but I feel like I should be able to.

There are so many thoughts running around in my head, which makes it hard to post things. Also, I feel like whatever I post is about me being angry, feeling forgotten, and not being able to control outcomes.

So an update:

We're still infertile.

We are not trying.

We are still waiting to hear about another match.

People around us are having babies, or being matched with one.


I see the pointlessness of me being angry about something that I have no control over. I understand that being angry doesn't get me anywhere, and overall directing my anger at God is exhausting. I'm just so tired of the struggle, of the work it has taken to try to achieve parenthood.

Its close to 9 years trying to have children and I'm so tired. When will our turn come? Will it ever come?

This is what has been going on with me, and what has been consuming my thoughts.

ETA: I'm not angry at a particular person. If I'm angry at anyone, it's myself (which is a whole different post).