When the Other Shoe Drops

I had been waiting the past month for the other shoe to drop.

Some of you may have read this post a few weeks ago and wondered what was going on with us.

We had been kind of matched with a birthmother through a mutual friend. Everything was moving along nicely. I was going to Lamaze classes and attending doctor's appointments with her. Everything was going great and everything was coming so easy...a little too easy.

Last Thursday after the Dr appt we were all suppose to go to a meeting at the adoption agency...that afternoon the other shoe dropped.

For weeks I had been praying and asking God, if this isn't meant to be, shut the door and shut it now before I get emotionally invested in this match.

He didn't shut the door, rather it felt like He was holding it open. And in the matter of one weekend that open door slammed shut in my face.

I bought a carseat.

*facepalm*

I bought a pack n' play

*headdesk*

I bought baby clothes.

*double headdesk*

For the first time in years I was excited about a baby.

I was looking forward to taking care of my baby, holding and cuddling my baby. Feeling the small weight of a tiny human in my arms...watching her grow up in our family.

I'm just so tired of fighting to become a parent. Today I want to throw in the towel, rise my white flag and just give up and stop fighting.

I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get emotionally attached. I attended a baby care basics class at my local hospital. I read up on taking care of a newborn. I actually bought things for a baby. I even planned a baby shower in my head.

Again, we were so close to becoming parents but the opportunity was taken away. This was actually the closest we had ever got to it actually happening. Its no wonder why we were so  excited.

I'm so tired...