Panic! At the Happiest Place on Earth and other news

I can't believe I haven't posted on this blog in over a month. As you can see I flaked out of the March Photo Challenge. Sorry Belle at Scrambled Eggs :(  Photos really aren't my thing unless they are of my cats.

Last month on St Patrick's Day, Michael and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. We spent that rainy Saturday trekking to L.A. to see a matinee showing of Green Day's American Idiot: The Musical. It was amazing! The music was great (I have that CD) and the play was awesome, yet sad at the same time.

It was a fun time together with Michael, but I always have a fun time with him.

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The following week we stayed at my mom's timeshare near Disneyland for a few nights. Its a tradition that we go to Disneyland for our anniversary. The last few years my mom has gifted us with either a hotel stay (last year) or lending us her timeshare. The first night was a short night to enjoy the park, so we walked to California Adventure, went on Toy Story Mania, then walked back to Anahiem's Garden Walk for some dinner.

The next day we set aside for all day at Disneyland and California Adventure. I was a little bummed that it was a bit crowded, most likely due to spring break, and with crowding comes a bunch of rides breaking down.

I think what made the crowded day bearable was that the weather was nice, not too hot, but not too cold.

The weird part about that day was that I started to have these weird chest pains. I didn't really pay much attention to them until I found it hard to breathe. I first noticed it when we were in line to get onto Star Tours (I chalked it all to it being a new ride and I was nervous about being on the one where you go underwater...don't like underwater.) But it happened again when we were in line for Space Mountain, Indiana Jones and it was worse when we were in the line for Pirates of the Caribeean.

The pain I was feeling in my chest, the tightness and difficulty to try to catch my breath were all signs of a panic attack...and worse it was at my favorite place, Dis.ney.land.

What was making me have the symptoms of a panic attack, you ask? It was seeing all these babies, of all ages, at every turn. (I realize I had this coming seeing as I'm at Dis.ney.land, but this fact had never bothered me before.) There was such a horrible ache in my heart at seeing all these babies in arms, or holding hands with their parents, and it slowly started to put me over the edge. The reality of our situation was starting to form and take shape in my brain that another year has gone by and we were still not any closer to bringing a child into our family.

When I was in therapy, my counselor had made me visualize "A happy Place" to help me focus whenever I could feel the ugliness of a panic attack start to rise. The happy place I had chosen was Disneyland. But what happens when you start to have a panic attack at your happy place? What do you do when it seems like all the walls are closing in on you? What do you do when your "Happy Place" turns on you? It was so disheartening to realize that my happy place, was no longer a happy place for me.

I made Michael take me to the movies that night, because The Hunger Games had just come out and I had to see it the day it came out. However, the previews before the movie just added to my misery. Apparently there is a movie coming out that centers on expecting parents with the title "What to Expect..." When the preview for that movie came on I literally closed my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears and hummed loudly...and I might have started crying...it was all too much for that day.

However, I did enjoy the movie despite the disturbing concept. I thought it was a great adaptation of the first book.

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I'm having a hard time with the concept of turning 35 next month. I realize that getting older isn't anything I can control, and I know that its just a number, but I still don't like it. I even started using eye cream in the hopes that it would miraculously delay my birthday. So far time keeps moving forward, but my eyes look amazing!

I've been contemplating getting a tattoo to commemorate my mid-life crisis at 35. I want a phoenix tattoo on my hip. I haven't found a design that I like yet, but I think I found the shop I want to go to have it done. I thought it was funny that my mom didn't care that I wanted a tattoo, her main concern was that it was done at a place that was clean. "You make sure its a clean place...so-n-so's sister got a tattoo and died two weeks later of Hepatitis C..." Yes, mom.

I haven't asked Michael what he thinks about me getting a tattoo. I think he's okay with it. He's paying for it, after all. I wonder though if I'll have to choose between getting a tattoo or getting a Keurig?

Hmm, new coffee machine or permanent art on my hip? Which of the two will help me transition to 35? The coffee machine will be less painful and possibly a better investment. But the tattoo will be like a rite of passage...

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As far as the adoption is concerned, we are still waiting. We haven't heard a thing from our agency (which isn't unusual, just annoying). The agency here in CA that did our homestudy has merged with another agency that does DIA. We went to an information meeting of theirs and are strongly considering being one of their waiting families. We really liked them, and the bonus part is we get to keep our current social worker.

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Jack finding solace up high away from James

The kitties are doing great. James is the ultimate little brother to Jack, annoying him until he can get someplace high enough so James can't bother him.

James playing with Jack's tail

Aww, they really do like each other

James at 7 months old