Reflecting on New Years Past

I remember around this time last year, saying goodbye to 2008 and wondering what 2009 would bring to us. I wasn't very fond of 2008 to begin with and was very much wanting to be rid of it.

2008 just brought memories of the ectopic, the trauma of emergency surgery, the grief of our first miscarriage, the confusion of coming to terms with the loss and more disappointment from failed infertility treatments. In December 2008 our RE gave us the "other options" talk. Informing us that the IUIs were the best treatment that Kaiser could provide, but maybe not the best treatment for us.

January 2009, we went on a break from treatments for four months. Michael commented that I seemed happier when we weren't doing treatments. And maybe I was happier, but I had something to look forward to, something to keep me focused - one more IUI. One more chance for it to go right.

March 2009, I exercised my right to say 'No' to an invitation to a baby shower. It crushed me to say no, but I had to decline. It would have been too painful to go, and to make matters worse it was to be on the Saturday before Mother's Day. Talk about a crushing blow to the gut.

June 2009, In between waiting to see if our third IUI worked (it didn't) God put it in my heart that He just wants what is best for us. I didn't quite understand what that meant.

August 2009, our last IUI worked but not enough to sustain the pregnancy. I miscarried early and officially hated 2009. No more treatments, no more trying to get pregnant, no more dreaming.

It was another quick early miscarriage. I remember thinking in the midst of the pain and grief how great God's mercy was toward us. In a way it was a blessing that we didn't get too attached to the baby.

2009 marked the end of a dream for us and in the midst of coming to terms with the end of that dream I remember thinking "This is all going to get better, right God? It can't get any worse, can it? We're going to find a new dream, aren't we?"

It took a while, but things started to get better. God has been really good to us. Through counselling the last two months of 2009 haven't been that bad. I can actually say that I've been content and have been able to find joy. Not in our situation, but in our God.

I don't have any real expectations for 2010. Is that bad? Its not that I'm not expecting God to do anything or looking forward to the New Year. I am looking forward to it, especially now that we have decided to move forward with adoption. I do hope this new year is better. I'm sure the adoption will keep my mind and my year occupied.

Baby Steps

Baby Step #1: A couple of weeks ago my work decided to do an Angel Tree thing with the local girls and boys home. I took a look at the names on the tree and among the other boys and girls there was one 6 month old baby. Without really thinking about it I grabbed the one with baby's wish list. I felt so drawn to help this baby. I also felt proud of myself that I didn't cop out of it and get someone else.

But getting the items on the baby's wish list meant having to walk through the dreaded Baby section at Target. Usually when I'm at Target and I want to get to the Electronics/Book section I know I could easily cut through the baby section to get there, but I could never bring myself to do it. So I would take the long way keeping my head straight and holding my breath the whole time.

Baby Step #2: It took a couple trips to Target to get me to venture to the baby section, but I finally did it last Friday night. I didn't really take my time or pay attention to everything that was there. I just focused on what I needed to buy and left.

Baby Step #3: It use to be really hard for me to look at babies in their natural habitat (in their mother's arms, or looking cute in their stroller). I use to avoid eye contact with all babies mostly so I wouldn't start crying. But, lately everywhere we go all these babies see us and just smile, wave and say "Hi", so I smile back, wave and say "Hi". One little girl at Applebee's stopped us as we were walking out and said "Look at my color," and showed me her crayon. Its the weirdest thing, its not something that usually happens to us...ever.

Baby Step #4: We went to Barnes and Noble to do some shopping and looking around. I was curious to see what books they had on adoption and parenting. I was shocked and a little embarrassed that I had no clue what section to look for such books. Not surprising I knew where all the Infertility books were located (between Women's Health and Diseases). I finally found the section with the help of an annoyed, over-worked salesperson. I was very disappointed that out of the entire section of Pregnancy/Childbirth, Family/Child-rearing there were about 5 books on adoption.

Baby Step #5: I sent for an information packet from Bethany and we will be looking into maybe going to one of their informational meetings after the New Year.

I keep asking myself if we're moving too fast into adoption. I don't feel like we are. Counselling has really helped us work through the grief. It just seems odd to me that nearly 5 months ago it felt like I would never be able to recover from the pain of our shattered dream of being able to have children of our own. I was in no fit state to talk about adoption without bursting into tears, much less walk through the Baby section in Target without having an anxiety attack. God is so good. I can honestly say that and beleive it in my heart to be true.

Although, the pain is not completely gone. I'd be naive to think it would completely go away, but its not as intense or crippling as it use to be. Again, God is so good.

The Poetic Side of Me

Here is a poem that I wrote four months ago that morning our lives changed. I'm glad I was able to write it. I love writing poetry. Its a great way for me to express the raw emotions that come with living with infertility.


Nothing ever seems easy
For the two of us.
Everyday challenges
Feel like a soft reprimand
For fear that we should take things for granted.
In between the trials and heartache,
The tears and the anger,
A small reprieve finds us,
But only for a little while.
There is a constant struggle for peace,
As we fight our way toward a happiness
That never seems to find us.

He says we’re being shaped
For something.
So why does it feel
Like we’re being punished?
He says He has a perfect plan
For us.
So why won’t He tell us,
What is going on?
He says there is a miracle
For us.
So why does it feel
Like the death of a dream?

Four Months Ago Today

We learned that our last IUI worked, but not well enough. The day before, I had requested a blood test to see if I was pregnant because I was spotting and feared I was having another ectoptic pregnancy. My HCG results came back at 5, but according to Kaiser's website 5 it meant I was pregnant. It was hard not to be excited, and it was 14 days post IUI and I had never made it that far without AF coming at 12 days post IUI, so I really believed I was pregnant.

I woke up early the next morning cramping and bleeding...I was miscarrying. I remember at the time I wasn't angry. I was just sad and very numb and I didn't know what to do, so I cried. The anger came later on.

The hardest part about that day was that we didn't just lose a baby, we lost the dream of having children of our own.

We agreed not to do anymore treatments. It was expensive and we were tired of the highs and lows that came with each procedure. It was over. No more trying to get pregnant. What was I going to do now?

I told Michael that if this IUI didn't work, or if it did work and I miscarried, I was going to need counseling. There were too many emotions to have to work through before we could move onto adoption.

We've been in grief counselling for 3 months and I'm thankful to say what a difference its made for us. I no longer have anxiety attacks (or that many), and the depression isn't as bad as it once was, and I'm sleeping better. We are even in the beginning stages of researching adoption agencies. I can actually say that I am content and a little excited about adoption.

There is still one thing I do, and I know it isn't healthy. I count on the calendar how many weeks pregnant I would have been had I not miscarried. This week I would have been 21 weeks pregnant. We would've been able to see if we were having a boy or a girl. I'll probably still do this until April comes.

I still have my bad days, but they aren't as often or nearly as horrible as they used to be.

And The Research Begins

Michael and I have started the research process into Adoption agencies, and I have to be honest - its a bit overwhelming. There is so much information out there its hard to know where to start.

Like where do you go to have a Home Study done? Do you go through your own county? If you adopt from an agency in another state will your county still do a Home Study for you? Which agency is the best one? How do we find out which agency is the best one for us?

I understand that there is a lot involved in domestic infant adoption. I'd be naive if I thought it was an easy process. I just wish the research part was a little easier, but I guess it wouldn't be called research if it was easy.

I'm the type of person that likes to know everything about something before I do it, so this process will definitely be about showing me patience and reminding me that in everything God is in control.