The Dreaded Question

I have found that there is at least one dreaded question in every stage of life. A question we wish people would never ask, but we always seem to fall victim to. Its ignorance is masked as well meaning curiosity, sometimes attempting to pass as a simple conversation starter. Once the question is asked, its usually hard to avoid not answering it without snapping at the asker and looking like an idiot.

I'm sure you know what dreaded questions I'm talking about.

When you're single its either, "So, are you dating anyone?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend, yet?" (this one was always my favorite *eyeroll*)

When you're dating its, "So, when are you guys going to get married?" or "So, has he popped the question yet?"

When you first get married its, "When are going to start a family?"

And once you hit the 5 year mark in your marriage the initial question of "when" turns into "Do you have kids yet?" to, "Why don't you have kids yet?" to finally, "You don't want kids?"

See how the last questions turns into an assumption? Just because I've been married nearly 9 years and we don't have children, doesn't mean that we don't want children. Did I also mention I got asked if I was a "Woman of Leisure"?

What?

It never enters their minds, for one second, that maybe I want kids, but I just can't have them. Nor does it occur to them that their invading questions are constant reminders to me that "Oh yeah, I can't have children".

I never would have thought that not wanting kids was less of a taboo, than not being able to have them.

Last week I got asked, "You don't want kids?" by a member at work (followed by the 'woman of leisure' comment). I finally acknowledged "the dreaded question" with the best, honest answer I could muster. "I want them. I'm just not able to have them."

I changed the subject quickly and started talking about my cat, Jack.

I was proud of myself for giving them an honest answer. I didn't cry under the pressure or snap at them, I just answered it and they shut up.

On my way home I stopped at Starbucks and cried when I got home.

ICLW Welcome :)

This is my first ICLW week. If you would like to know more about ICLW just click on the purple icon to the right. If you are visiting here for the first time let me share a bit about myself and give you the summarized version of our story.

Michael and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have been TTC our first for a little over 6 years. After 3 years of no pgs we decided to go see an RE.

We were diagnosed with PCOS, so the RE suggested a few cycles of Clomid. On the 4th cycle of Clomid in Feb 08 we thought it didn't work as the pg test I took at the RE's office was BFN. Two weeks later I was in the ER with severe pain. They made me take a pg test and it was positive. We were finally pregnant, but it joy was short-lived as I was rushed into surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. My tube was beyond saving so it needed to be removed along with our first child.

After six months of recovery, we continued with treatment, this time with injections and IUI. I overcame my fear of needles by learning how to give myself shots. We learned that with the IUI procedure, Kaiser only offers 3 cycles so if it didn't work after 3, it probably won't work at all, so we had 3 shots at this working. The first 3 cycles failed.

Because I responded well to the meds, they offered us a 4th cycle. The 4th IUI cycle was, by far, the best one we had since starting the injections. It worked, but not as well as we would have hoped. I miscarried early. Kaiser offered us another cycle, since this once was considered a m/c, but the cycles were exhausting our finances and our hopes of ever conceiving. So we decided to stop all further treatment.

Michael felt that we needed to redirect our focus on other ways of building a family, so we will eventually be pursuing domestic infant adoption. We haven't yet made a formal decision on selecting an agency. We are still in the information stage and working through the emotions and grief of not being able to have children of our own. We are somewhere in the middle (hence the title of my blog) of no longer trying, but not yet ready for adoption.

Hopefully by the middle of this year we will be a bit further in the adoption process. I think that is it so far.

Happy ICLW week. I look forward to meeting new people.

Babies: An Education...or lack thereof

I just realized something funny, yet tragic yesterday. In the 6 1/2 years that I've wanted a baby I really don't know anything about them. *facepalm* I know the basics. I know that they are tiny, and need to be fed, burped, changed and loved. I know they wake up every two to three hours to be fed, burped, changed and loved. But I really don't know enough about them to be comfortable and alone with one.

*headdesk* How did I let this happen?

Well, I think part of it happened when I assumed that it wouldn't take 6 years for us to have a baby. I think I wanted to learn blindly like all new parents do by cramming as much info about how to take care of a baby in 40 weeks or less.

The other part I think happened because after a while I didn't feel the need to educate myself about babies. What was the point? I don't have one, and I'm not even remotely close to having one so why occupy my time with information I won't be currently using?

This lack of education I used as an excuse to further distance myself from other women with children. Mostly because over the years, I've been conditioned by my infertility to think that I am different from them. They have children and I don't. They know what to do with a screaming child and I don't. They are mothers, and I am not.

Yesterday I was walking home from work and I jumped on the wrong train of thought...again. I'm not good enough to be a mom, because I don't know anything about babies. Maybe that's why I can't hold on to a pregnancy, or get pregnant again. I was on the verge of tears when suddenly a voice in my head, (that sounded an awful lot like Michael), broke in the conversation and said,

"Well then, you know what to do when you want to learn something about something you EDUCATE YOURSELF. Go buy a book about babies...and adoption while you're there."

A book, duh, such a simple solution to my problem. So my mission this weekend is to find that 700+ page baby book by Dr William Sears, and educate myself about babies and hopefully while I'm there I'll find a book about domestic infant adoption too.

I know a book isn't going tell me everything I need to know about babies, but I'll feel a little bit better knowing what to do with a baby besides knowing that they are tiny, and need to fed, burped, changed and loved.

Why holding babies isn't fun anymore

Its interesting how many of these thoughts occur to me after a harmless encounter at church. While Michael and I were greeting, someone near us was holding their baby. That person had to be on stage to help with worship and was quickly looking around for someone to hold her. I started to go in panic attack mode and internally chanting "Please don't hand her to me. Please don't hand her to me." And they didn't. Whew.

I'm not really sure why something so tender and precious as holding a baby would bring me to tears, but it does. Maybe because in my heart of hearts I know that the baby being handed to me isn't mine and after about 20 minutes or so I'll have to give the child back to his parents. And my arms will once again be empty.

I wasn't always like this. When I was 18 maybe 20 I liked holding babies. Mostly when the gesture was offered by new proud parents. Newborns made me a little nervous because they were so tiny and fragile, but once they were about 3 months or so I wanted to hold them and even jumped at the chance.

The last time I enjoyed holding a baby was about 6 years ago when the concept of trying for our own was still fresh and exciting. Because it was only a matter of time before I'd be holding our baby.

As the years passed, and the excitement of trying got to be...trying, I started to realize that holding other people's babies wasn't fun anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for my friends new additions, but I was sad for us. At first it was just another reminder of what we didn't yet have. Eventually it became a reminder of what we had lost.

Two years ago, I was asked if I wanted to hold a baby. It had been 6 months after the ectopic and the loss of our first child was still so fresh in my mind. This person had no idea they were ripping my heart out by asking a simple question.

I said no.

I know what your thinking. Who in their right mind would say no to holding a baby? Well, I do apparently. I felt guilty for saying no and hurting this person's feelings, so I held out my shaky arms. Poor baby was so uncomfortable, and so was I.

Michael asked me how I would feel about our future adopted child being handed to me to hold. Would the pain of our losses prevent me from enjoying holding him/her? I thought about it and instantly said No. Because the joy of our new child would outweigh the pain, (not replace it) just outweigh the pain. I'm sure I would still cry, but the tears would be joyful.

One day holding a baby will be fun again. I just hope the next baby I hold will be ours, so I'm saving my arms and my heart for our baby.

I've been nominated

Thank you so much to Stacy at The Royal Report for nominating me for this award. I only just started this blog a couple of months ago, so I'm honored to be recognized.

Stacy says I have to share seven facts about myself.

1) I met my husband on a blind date

2) I love roller coasters

3) When I'm having a bad day I crank up my iPod to Destiny's Child "Bootylicious" and dance until I feel better. Or I sing "Don't Stop Believin'" at the top of my lungs.

4) I'm a huge Star Wars fan.

5) My favorite show is Friends. (I bought the DVDs in order of funniness.)

6) I have an unnatural fear of balloons, marine animals, clowns, and dolls

7) I was named after my grandparents Joe and Nellie. When I was born my mom didn't have a name for me. She heard my name in a dream, but when she woke up she didn't know how to spell it. So my name was spelled Jo Nell for the first couple of weeks, then Jo Nelle until she decided on Jonelle.

Here are my nominations. I'm suppose to nominate seven, but I don't follow that many people:

Michelle - The Merri Family

Bre - In Everything Give Thanks

Kandy - Oldest of five

So here's what you need to do:
Thank the person who nominated you and copy the award in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Share seven interesting things about yourself.
Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs.