Goodbye 2010

You weren't all that bad, 2010. A whole year without miscarriages, surgeries, failed infertility treatments. Overall I'd say you were a good year, thanks to therapy, monthly trips to the cinema and Disneyland.

For the first time in a long time I can honestly say that I was brought to a place of contentment. A place I hadn't been to in a long time. There is still some sadness at times, especially during the holidays or when I hear about another one of my friends who is pregnant. But I suppose that is normal. It still hurts that it will never happen for us, but I don't dwell on it nearly as much as I used to.

2010 also brought with it interesting challenges for me. I had to face things I didn't want to, but they were things I needed to confront to help me grow into a better person so I could hopefully be a good parent.

I had to make a choice about what was more important to me - Do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mom? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to get pregnant, carry our child to term and deliver a healthy baby. I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't know if I'll ever get to "crossover", and that hurts. Still, if we never get pregnant, I hope we do get to become parents.

And the constant refrain goes off in my brain - God, why did you choose this path for us? Why do you think we are strong enough to handle this journey, it sucks? Will if ever stop sucking?

I know I'll never get any answers to my questions.

However, I think I've found some answers to my questions in new friendships that Michael and I have made this past year. They too are walking the ever sucky journey of IF. I only wished I had met them sooner. I hope we can be a great support to them.

Last year at this time we had just told our family that we were starting to begin the adoption process. In May we chose an agency. In August we started our Home Study and now effective Dec 20 we were Home Study approved.

Now we wait...we're good at waiting.

In the midst of waiting I plan to continue to eat healthfully, exercise regularly and take my vitamins everyday (seeing as I'm the worst pill taker in history this will definitely be a challenge for me).

I'm not really sure what 2011 will bring, hopefully good things. I'm sure it won't be all sunshine and rainbows, but what is a life without its challenges.

Happy New Year!!!! :)

Home Study is DONE!!!

WOO HOO!!!!

We are so happy. We do the dance of joy!



And now we wait...

Still Here...Seriously

I noticed that I hadn't written a single post for November. I kept putting it off and putting it off and now the last day of November is here and I can't quite put my brain around how fast this month has come and gone. Tomorrow is December and in 32 days it will be a whole new year.

Another thing I noticed with the last few entries in my blog (sad one followed by a "feeling better" one, then a sad one again). I realized there was a pattern with these entries as the extremely sad posts were written a few days before the Crimson Wave would strike. The only plus side I can see from this is that its coming on time, however the bummer part is that I still don't know if I'm ovulating or not (most likely not).  And I really don't want to know if I am ovulating as its a thought I don't wish to entertain.

Much has happened this month. We are closer to finishing our home study. Everything that is required is completed and turned in to our social worker. She just has to finish writing it up and we have a few certifications of completion to send her and its all done.

We also attended a required workshop at our agency for waiting families. It was a great experience and we were able to really see how the agency works, meet the staff and meet other couples who are waiting like us. We realized that since we are out of state that we were most likely in for a longer wait than most couples.

We both also realized that if adoption doesn't work out for us, we will be okay living as a child-free couple. It will hurt and there will be grief and mourning involved, but we will be okay because we have each other.

There was also something we learned about us and our journey to parenthood - we are not desperate to become parents. Sure its a desire of ours to be parents, but it is not a desperation. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen...well, it doesn't happen.

We don't have to think about that now, but we know that it is a possibility and we are at peace with it. We might have to go back to therapy, but we will get through it.

Its interesting that my brain went to the childfree living route rather than back to treatment or something else like embryo adoption. I think I've just been so use to living with "no children" that the possibility of actually having children has become a rather foreign concept. I've become so accustomed to life without children, its difficult to imagine my life with them.

I was walking through the baby aisle in Target with my mom searching for a baby shower gift for a friend and I was slowly starting to entertain the idea of catelogueing in my brain certain items that I thought would be nice things to have for whenever we might get matched with a baby. My mom came up behind me and said rather wistfully,

"Can you imagine getting this stuff for your baby?"

"No, I can't." My reply surprised me a bit, but it was the truth.

I could see this wasn't the answer she was expecting me to say. But I continued, "I can't afford to imagine a baby. I've been doing that for the last 7 years. But you can."

I think it took the wind out of her sails and probably made her worry about me even more, but its how I cope. Living each day, one at a time. I can't afford to daydream about the future of being a mother or caring for a baby that may not come to us.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to be a mother. I do want to raise/rear a baby, love him/her and nuture him/her. But we've been waiting so long to do just that, that its scary for me to allow my brain to go there, because what if it doesn't happen?

My brain seems to be full of contradicting thoughts. Because I do want adoption to work out for us, but I think the past experiences with failed IF treatment and miscarriages has made my heart and my brain a bit gunshy about believing anything will go right for us.

I still feel in my heart that adoption chose us and I believe God put that desire there. If not for Him I don't think we would be on this path so quickly after what happened last year. God's plans are always perfect even if I don't agree with them or understand them.

I do know one thing, God has given me a great husband, and if I get to spend the rest of my life with him and only him - Oh what a great life!

Stuck in The Valley of Grief

I haven't been a good blogger lately. I really haven't had anything to say...well that is a lie. I have had stuff to say, but fear that I may offend people I love and trample on the new joy that they are experiencing has prevented me from blogging.

Writing is such a release for me and not being able to express what I'm feeling is starting to take its toll.

Lately with everything that has been happening I feel like I'm regressing. All that time spent in grief counselling now seems worthless. I feel like I'm in the deepest valley of our grief and for the life of me I can't seem to climb my way out of it.

I've cried more times this month, than I'd like to admit. I haven't slept well in two weeks and both weekends I've been sick.

And when I really think about what it is that is bothering me, the only conclusion I can find is that...I miss my babies. Granted with both I only knew I was pregnant for a little more than 12 hours before I lost both of them, but for a moment, just a tiny moment there was a life and it was half me and half Michael. After four years it had finally happened, but they weren't meant to be with us, and that reality hurts the closer I get to 35 at which point my already bad eggs will ultimately be useless.

I guess the other thing I'm struggling with is the recurring feeling of being forgotten by God. I know thats not true, but it feels true. I know He hears me. I know He sees the grief I'm feeling. And I know there are a lot of people out there that have had it worse than we have. I'm just so tired. I don't want to go through this anymore.

I've been told I'm a strong person, but I don't feel strong, not today, not this month. I feel so beaten down by IF lately, that there are some days I don't think I'll ever be able to stand up straight.

*Breathe*

*Breathe*

*Breathe*

Not Meant for this World

We wanted to have two kids,

That was our plan, our dream.

Just two, a good even number,

One boy, one girl, one of each.

We set to planning when we would start.

“It should take less than a year,” they said.

“We won’t have a problem,” we said.

One year turned into three,

Eventually became four, then six.

Now seven years of waiting and trying,

Praying and hoping, that one day,

Our love would bring a baby into this world.

We waited for you both, and those days did come.

But you both weren’t meant for this world.

So tonight we’ll light a candle,

Remembering your short time with us,

Honouring your place in our hearts,

Until we see you once again.

Feeling Better

Thanks for all the encouraging comments on my last post. However, I'd be lying if I said that comments like this have stopped. Just the other day I got told "Look how cute you are. Looking young and not having a baby." WTFrick? Seriously? Seriously! (Yes, for those of you wondering the word not was emphasized.)

I think these comments just come in waves and this month is high tide. I just smiled and tuned her out while she kept talking.

Now that the Crimson Wave has come and gone I think I'm a little better at handling the icky comments I'm getting from people. I really would have liked to have said something back to her, but you know it just wasn't worth it. I could have said something snarky back to her, but usually that just opens a whole can of crap that ultimately ends up backfiring on me and I really didn't need to deal with that kind of stink.

I'm not sure why I'm baffled at the insensitivity some people have when it comes to not just IF, but other things as well.

Sometimes I really hate customer service. Because the customers/members feel that your life is fair game to judge and comment on. They feel like they can ask anything because its your job to be nice to them.

Did you know that they ask my boss about me and my family building options? On more than one occasion members have asked her if I want kids or when I'm going to have them. My boss is a great Mama Bear. She sticks up for me and tells them basically to mind their own business.

I think the sweetest thing I got told this week by a member was "You should be a mom. You'd be a great one." I had confided in her about my IF and our desire to adopt. It was nice to receive that affirmation even though there are some days that I doubt my maternal instincts, and whether or not they will show up when a baby comes.

We are still waiting to hear from the adoption agency. Things left to do: LiveScan, send copies of required documents to the our social worker, and reference letters to our adoption agency.

Infertility Rage Day

I don't have many of these days. I've learned over the years that most comments, questions, or observations directed at me in regards to my infertility shouldn't be taken to heart.

That is not to say that there aren't some days when its impossible not to feel the dagger of a non-chalaunt, inappropriate statement formed in the guise of a backwards complement.

I know we don't have children. I wake up every morning to that reality. Sometimes as I'm walking to work I'll remember that its been 7 years of wanting kids and not being able to have them. I'm reminded everyday of something I've wanted for so long. I don't need other people reminding me too.

I have found that there are two things I hate talking about: my age and how long I've been married. Know why? Because those are the two topics that lead right into the Dreaded Kids Question.

I've been told many times that I don't look my age. Its not really surprising to me since I've haven't looked my age since I was 18. I do find it hilarious that no one believes me when I say that I'm 33 years old. Some days its complementary, but lately on numerous occasions  I've been told the reason I don't look my age is because I don't have children. Thanks...I think.

The first time this was said to me I kind of brushed it off. But Wednesday, or as I dubbed it Infertility Rage Day, I just couldn't shake it off, because it was said by a member at work who I actually like talking to on a regular basis. I wasn't feeling good that day so I didn't have the energy to defend myself with a snarky response. And worse, it was said amongst other women I'm not really comfortable being that transparent to about my inability to have children.

I came home trying to figure out what 33 looks like. And I'm surprised I don't look my age considering the stress I've been under over the past 7 years trying to have a baby. I would think that would have aged me. Or the trauma of having to endure an ectopic pregnancy resulting in losing my tube and our first baby. Surely that would have aged me. Or having to mourn my dream children with the help of a counselor. I'm surprised that hasn't aged me.

And I did the only thing I knew to do when someone reminds me that I'm infertile. I cried and I cried hard. I yelled and raged at anyone who was listening (poor Jack). And it didn't help that it was the gloomiest day ever.

Sometimes I really hate being in the company of other women, and their ignorance to the realities of IF, especially when I'm on the receiving end of it.

Infertility Rage Day. I don't have those days a lot, but when they do come approach with caution and carbs.

Welcome ICLWers!

Hi, sorry I'm late in posting. Welcome to my blog. If you would like to find out my story you can find it in the ICLW tab on the right.

Here are some random facts about me.

I love carbs - the sweet, sugar filled variety

I'm almost caught up on season 6 of Gr.ey's Ana.tomy (will watch the finale tomorrow). However, in my attempt to catch up on the episodes I didn't watch them in order. (still slightly confused about things).

I'm a Doctor Who fan - season 4 was my favorite because I also love Catherine Tate. ("Look at my face. Am I bothered?")

I don't cope well in gloomy weather - it makes me hungry (craving carbs)

I'm a Cur.ves Circuit Coach - Its the best job ever


Well that is a bit about me. Hopefully I'll get the swing of things this week and post more.

The Excitement Factor or Another Neurotic Post

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments left on my last post. Just to clarify we were celebrating our 10 year engage-a-versary. Our offical 10 year anniverseary is in March, and not to worry, I'll be sure to post something about it when it comes. Until then, you get to read my the crazy thoughts going through my brain during this adoption journey.

I've been struggling lately with my excitement level. I'm worried because there are some days that I'm just okay with our adoption plans, but not really overly excited about the process.

Of course I'm excited that we're adopting, and I celebrate with each step we complete in this process. I'm just not excited about it all the time. I'm happy about it, just not excited. Understand?

I feel bad sometimes talking to my friends about it because their enthusiasm is much more exhuberant than mine, especially when they ask us where we are in the process. After we share where we are and what we've done, they respond with a huge smile and close with and affirmation on what great parents we will be (this statement brings on a whole new level of anxiety). And I can't bring myself to remind them of the reality that there is a possibility that the adoption might not happen. Adoptions get distrupted, matches fall through and other unforseeable things could happen. Things I really don't want to imagine, but they can happen.

I don't mean to sound so morbid and negative or ungrateful. I'm grateful for this opportunity to adopt. I just like to think I'm being realistic about this whole thing. Is that okay?

I think I'm just so protective of my heart that I'm not allowing myself to get attached to anything in this new journey. And that is exactly what it is...a journey. Its a whole new journey with its own set of detours and road blocks to get used to.

And just like IF treatments had been a new journey to get used to when we had started them 3 years ago, so is this (now that I think about it, I wasn't very excited to be starting IF treatments). I had been excited to be moving onto something new (after 3 years of nothing), but not excited about the process (drugs, dr appts, u/s, b/w, scheduled sex).

I kind of envy our friends optimisim in regards to our adoption journey. They are so sure everything is going to work out for us. I wish I was as confident as them. Its not that I have doubts, just realistic concerns about this process. Because while it might have been picture perfect for someone they know who adopted. It might not be a picture perfect experience for us.

Am I being too hard on myself? I have a right to be cautious, don't I? Considering all the disappointments Michael and I have had over the years in the process of building our family, its okay that I'm a bit gunshy to totally feel I can let my guard down.

I know I think too much.

*facepalm*

I think I'll just allow myself to be encouraged by my friends excitement for us (that's healthy, right?)

Ten Years Ago, and Ten Years Later

Last Friday Michael and I had an appointment with our new social worker. The agency is located near where we used to go to church back when we were dating. It also marked ten years to the date that he had proposed to me.

The meeting with our social worker went well. It was mostly a introduction meeting but apparently it counted toward a portion of our group interview for the Home Study. She also gave us our autobiographical questionnaires, a few other forms (LiveScan) and we scheduled my individual interview for Wednesday (that went well too.)

After the meeting Michael asked me if I wanted to go to our Barnes and Noble. Not just any Barnes and Noble, the Barnes and Noble where he proposed.  The Barnes and Noble where I said yes. Of course I wanted to go! (Yes, we are oddly romantic.)

We hadn't been there in years, mostly because shortly after we were married we moved out of the area and eventually out of the country. Once we moved back to CA we settled in a different county, so this trip was special.

As we walked in the store Michael had me by the hand and we were both narrating to each other our own version of that day. Back then he was dragging me through the store frantically trying to find a section that was empty. Eventually we ended up on the second floor in the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies section. It was the only empty section in the store (kinda sad when I think about it) next to a floor to ceiling window.  Its was there that he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Looking around it was clear that they had moved all the sections. As we went up the escalator and walked to the left we could already see that Bibles and Eastern Philosophies was no longer there. I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach which section they had replaced it with. Sure enough when we got there it was now the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section. Oh, the irony.

Michael and I laughed, but it got me thinking of where we were 10 years ago and where those 10 years have brought us.

Ten years ago infertility was the farthest thing from our minds. Ten years ago I had just said yes to the love of my life and was looking forward to spending my life with him. Ten years ago I had dreamed that we would have had 2 kids by now, a lovely house with a two car garage. Living happy and ignorant of the dangers of infertility.

Ten years later infertility is sometimes all I can think about, because its part of who I am. Ten years later we've had our two kids, but we'll never get to hold them or see them grow up. Ten years later and I know more about infertility treatments and words like hysterosalipingogram and intrauterine insemination, than I would like.

But in these ten years, as hard as they have been at times, I wouldn't change it. Well, the not being able to have children part, I would change. I'd be lying if I said no. I'm talking about the influence infertility has had on us, I wouldn't change that. Infertility really has made us stronger and closer as a couple, and when there was no one else to cling to, to save us from the pain of failed treatments, miscarriages, and final decision not to try anymore, we had each other.

I know that infertility has shaped us into the people we are today. I don't know what kind of person I would be had we not been touched by it. Would I still appreciate things the same way I do now? Would I take every good thing for granted, instead of treasuring it? Would I be one of those insensitive people asking inapproriate questions or giving out useless platitudes to someone I know living with infertility?

Would we be adopting? Probably not, and that made me sad.

***

Standing together in the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section formerly known as the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies, Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I'd marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.

Things are Starting to Move Along Nicely

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been a bit overwhelmed with getting little things done in regards to our adoption and mixed up in some work drama, (which as of this moment has been resolved).

I finally finished our Life Book last Saturday (8/7) and ordered two copies from Shutterfly.com (one to be sent to us and one to be sent to the agency). I found out Thursday (8/12) it had arrived at the agency. Ours arrived the same day. We could start to be profiled by birthmoms as soon as next week.

We found an agency here to do our homestudy and training. We met with our new Social Worker yesterday afternoon and she is very sweet. We start the training on Aug 24th and I have my individual interview with her this coming Wednesday...at our apartment. I'm a little nervous, but not worried.

I am a teeny bit apprehensive about having to share with her the ectopic story, and because its part of our infertility story I know it will come up. Its not that I don't want to tell it. I just haven't told that story in a while and the last time I did share it, we were in therapy, and I sobbed the entire time.

It will be fine. Really it will. I'll be talking to her for about two hours, which is 80 minutes longer than one of our counselling sessions...it will be fine.

I hope Jack is on his best behavior. It would really suck if he attacked me while the social worker is at our apartment.

Well thats where we are. I'm glad that things are starting to move along for us.

How a Negative Pregnancy Test Ruined My Day and A Phone Call Made My Week

Last Sunday I wasn't having a good day, and it started with a negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to take one. All pregnancy tests hate me. Its true. I've been pregnant twice and not once have I seen a positive pregnacny test. How is that possible?

I wonder if there exists out there in the world a certain small percentage of woman who are in fact pregnant, but never see a positive pregnancy test...probably not.

Seriously, its 2010 surely they can come up with a home pregnancy test that can test your blood. Okay maybe that is a bit morbid, but surely a blood test is a bit more accurate than a urine test.

Anyway because of my ectopic pregnancy history my RE advised me that if my cycles exceed 35 days that I am to take a pregnancy test. Well I did and it was negative.

On top of the negative pregnancy test, I still hadn't heard from the adoption agency (even though I was assured I'd get a phone call within a week of our application being approved. It was approved over a month ago). I wasn't getting anywhere with any of the agencies here to find out about home studies. Only one returned my call and that was highlight of that week. Even the County was not helpful as the woman on the other end seemed to have no clue what I was talking about.

I had decided to put on my big girl pants and send an email to the adoption agency to check in with them and find out if they had called and we had somehow missed it. Waiting for a response was the worst.

Last Sunday I was at my wit's end. I was so discouraged. I kept feeling like I was the one who was forcing doors to open when maybe they weren't supposed to opening at all.

I was crushed that I saw yet another negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to think that it would be positive. I knew better than to hope that by some miracle I would be pregnant. I felt once again like a failure. And I wanted to cry. Nothing was coming out, but I could feel something was coming and it wasn't going to be pretty.

I tried to cheer myself up with a funny movie so I watched "Galaxy Quest". It kept me amused and my mind occupied for 110 minutes. But when Michael asked me how I was doing, I broke down.

...and shoved four Mini 3 Musketeers bars and 1 Twix into my mouth in a matter of 10 seconds. Michael wasn't fast enough to stop me. I ran to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed and silently cried. (The mouthful of chocolate was preventing me from properly crying.)

What were we doing? Was adoption the right thing to do? Was it really the next step in our journey? Nothing was even happening and we were still in the beginning stages. It felt like IF treatments all over again. Waiting for something to happen, and being disappointed at it not happening at all. I felt I wasn't even being given the chance.

After many deep breaths, properly crying and voicing to Michael my frustration and disappointment at the negative pee stick, I felt better. I made him hold me really tightly.

That night I prayed and asked God to please give us some direction, show us if adoption was what we were supposed to do. I asked Him if it wasn't, there was still time to close the door. I asked him if adoption is what we are supposed to do please show us favor, and help us during this process.

And God heard me.

The next day I got a phone call from the adoption agency and later on in the week an email from them apologizing for their delay. The lady was very nice and answered all the questions I had in regards to my LifeBook, which is almost done. I just need to add a few more pictures and add a little more commentary and its ready to send.

Michael and I picked an agency here to do the Homestudy and training, so that part is all set too. I just have to call and set up an appointment.

Things are slowly starting to pick up. I know we still have a long way to go in our adoption journey, but at least we are moving at a fair pace. For a moment it felt like things were stopping before they had started with no definitive yes or no answer.

Anyway, I have a busy week ahead of me.

P.S. I still haven't started and I'm really bummed. I kind of liked having my cycles come regularly. Made me feel somewhat normal. I probably should take another test, but *sigh* I really don't want to. I also don't want another ectopic, so I guess I should take another test.

Why I Had Kept My Infertility a Secret

At first it wasn't intentional. We were excited that we had finally made the decision to try for a baby, but since nothing had happened yet, it wasn't worth sharing with people.

Time had passed, a year, maybe three and the exhilaration of trying to make a baby had become excruciatingly painful as each month passed and nothing. Nothing to show for our efforts but resentment as we had become aware that biology had failed us. Three years had passed and not one positive test. It was clear we had a problem, but who wants to admit to people, much less themselves, that they are having trouble getting pregnant? We sure didn't.

People began to think, as we reached the fifth year mark in our marriage, that we needed them to remind us that it was time for us to start making a family. Little did they know that we had been trying to start one for three years. It was these people that told us to "just relax", "don't think about it", "have some wine" It was then that we realized we didn't need the added grief, we didn't yet even have a diagnosis. No, best to keep this to ourselves. It was none of their business anyways.

A few people knew of our infertility struggles, our parents and our best friends. We had felt that was enough people to share our secret with. Because that's what it was...a secret. And keeping secrets takes a lot of work.

I know for me there was a shame factor involved in keeping our infertility to myself. I was ashamed that I was different from the rest of my friends. I was ashamed that my body couldn't or wouldn't do what it was supposed to do. So I kept that shame to myself.

There was also pain that accompanied the shame. A pain my friends couldn't understand because I wouldn't share it with them assuming they wouldn't be able to understand. Horrible logic, but it was mine. I didn't want to subject them to my pain either so if they asked, I told them. If they didn't, I once again kept the pain and the shame of my secret to myself.

I often found that when a person doesn't know what to say when they hear you are having trouble conceiving a child they usually say the wrong thing or worse give you a useless platitude that is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Then the ectopic happened, and it was a bit harder to keep our secret from people as I ended up in the ER and then rushed into emergency surgery. Our "just an ovulation problem" was made more complicated with the removal of my right tube. But still I didn't talk about it.

I realized in hindsight that it would have benefited me to be a bit more honest with people. But considering how emotionally fragile I was in regards to my IF and the trauma of the ectopic, it was less painful to keep quiet rather then open myself up to horrible comments and advice.

I didn't even tell people I would soon face my fears and learn how to give myself shots for our next phase of treatment: injections.

I didn't want to say anything to anyone until I saw a positive pregnancy test, or held my baby in my arms.

When our last IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy it also marked the end of us seeking further IF treatment and activly trying to have a child of our own. It was then that we realized that we could no longer keep our IF a secret. It was a heartbreaking time for both of us and we needed the support of others.

I only just started sharing our story. Its been a scary and yet helpful process. It hasn't been easy opening myself up to people, but I no longer carry the burden of my secret on my shoulders.

I've also learned that not everyone deserves to hear our story in detail as I still run into people who think its a wonderful joke calling me a D.I.N.K or a 'Woman of Leisure' because we don't yet have children. Or assume that because I've been married 9 years and don't yet have children, means that I don't want children. That is probably the worst obstacle I've run into lately, assumptions, but best save that for a different post.

I'm no longer ashamed of my IF, because I've come to the conclusion that its a part of who I am, not what I am. IF still sucks, that hasn't changed, but its shaped me into the person that I am and I'm not going to hide who I am anymore.

I spent 6 1/2 years hiding and keeping secrets and I'm tired.

Even Jesus was Sarcastic or Is Honesty Really the Best Policy

These past couple of weeks I've been doing something that I normally wouldn't dream of doing...

cue the music...

I've been honest with people about our infertility. Its something new I've been doing since outing myself in April and finally deciding on an adoption agency.

There have been ample opportunities to do this, preferably two Sundays ago when Michael and I went to my old church to hear my former pastor speak. It was a weird day. Almost everyone from my old youth group was there and it was nice to see everyone grown up, married and with kids.

Naturally we got the kids question, which we answered, "Not yet, but we are in the process of adopting and we are excited about where the process takes us."

I was surprised that I was genuinely excited when we told people about us adopting. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm also very guarded about it. There is still a possibility that this won't work out, so I'm guarding my heart, but that doesn't mean I'm not excited that we are adopting.

Of course with this entire honesty thing one is bound to receive some crap not so nice comments from people. One came before I was even able to answer a question. The "Any kids" question a.k.a "The Dreaded Question" came from someone that was in my youth group who was a few years older than me. Before I could even answer the question he stepped over the line when he added, "What, you don't want kids?"

All this while staring at my chest...in church...right in front of my husband.

So not only am I uncomfortable with the question, I’ve also been put on the spot by someone I haven’t seen in over 15 years. So I gathered my courage, and quickly scrambled through my catalogue of snarky comebacks because at this moment I've pretty much rationalized that Jesus was sarcastic too (read the Gospels), so it’s okay. Jesus understands and He loves me.

Here is what I would have liked to have said: "What about you? Are you married? What, you don't want to get married? Was that question inappropriate? Can you please direct your question a little higher?"

Instead I said this: No we don't have kids. (honesty) We want kids, we just haven't been able to have them. (more information than is actually necessary) Right now we are in the process of adoption and we are excited. (does that answer your question, jerk)

I probably said more than what was necessary, but really who goes from asking if you have kids to assuming that you don't want any? Obviously people I haven't seen in over 15 years. After that I left before he actually said anything else to me. I heard later on that morning he came up to my mom and commented on how different her hair looked.

G: Your hair looks thinner, and shorter. Was it always like that?

Mom: Well the texture of hair changes when you have cancer and have to go through chemo. Often times it grows back thinner. What's your excuse?

YES! Oh how I wish I was there to have heard that conversation.

Everyone else was really great about hearing our adoption news. They were encouraging and excited for us. We had many people tell us that they will keep us in their prayers.

I also had the opportunity to share with one of my other old friends about our struggles with infertility, our losses and deciding not to try anymore.

It was very refreshing to be honest with someone and not feel shameful about our IF struggles, but talk about it freely with her. I surprised myself that I was so open with her, because we all know that I'm a bit out of practice in the art of opening up. But I felt she was a safe person and it was only her, not 20 people at once.

I stepped back and realized that had this been two years ago, or even a year ago, I would have dreaded going to my old church and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. I would have anticipated the kids question to the point of being on the brink of a panic attack. I would have driven myself crazy figuring out how to respond to each question, and over analyzing every encounter with these people.

Two years ago around this time, Michael and I went to a wedding of one of my old friends and there were some people in attendance that I had grown up with but hadn't seen in years. We didn't get the kids question that day, but it had only been 4 months out since the ectopic, and the outing was enough to dissolve me into tears seeing all my old friends I had grown up with, with kids of their own. I distinctly remember struggling to breathe during the reception.

A year ago at this time Michael and I were awaiting the results of our 4th and final IUI. Had we received an invitation to go to my old church, I don't even think we would have gone. If we had gone and received the kids question I would have just said, "No" and maybe a "Not yet". We would not have been upfront with anyone of our attempts to have children, much less talk about our losses or our IF struggles. I most likely would not have engaged in any conversations with anyone besides the usual small talk, but nothing in-depth.

To sum it up, there would have been lots of awkward silences trying to talk to me and the conversation wouldn't have been at all enlightening.

I guess you could say we have grown in the last year. We are a lot more honest with people when the Dreaded Question comes up. We usually don't include the "haven't been able to have them" part unless it is implied that we don't want kids. We just jump right into the "but we are adopting" and we make sure to say it with the proper enthusiam it deserves.

So I guess honesty is the best policy, but just remember that if I get asked the wrong question I will exercise my right to give a sarcastic answer.

Welcome ICLW people!

I can't believe its already July and ICLW week. Welcome everyone and thanks for visiting my blog.

I little bit about me and this blog. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Yesterday was actually the anniversary of when we met, which also happened to be the same day as our first date.

We've been living with infertility for the last 6 1/2 years. Last September we made a hard decision to not try anymore and to stop all IF treatments as it was not only emotionally draining, but financially draining as well. If you would like to read our full IF story you can read it here.

We are currently in the beginning stages of Domestic Infant Adoption. We are excited, but we have also found this process to be emotionally draining as doing IF treatments.

I look forward to meeting new people and hopefully getting new blogs added to my Blog List.

Thank you Apple, Inc for once again reminding me that I'm infertile.

Have you seen the new iPhone 4 commercial? This woman tells her husband through the new video share feature that she is pregnant. However, before she shares this precious news with her husband she tortuously drags out the news by asking first if he has a minute, then asks if he is alone and finally says, "You know that thing we've been working on for a while now. Well..."


I'll admit the commercial is sweet, but after being beaten to death with it yesterday, it started to slowly pry open a wound that I wasn't aware still had tender spots, but one that I had hoped I had come to resolve and move on from. It was a part of myself that didn't want to be reminded of the life experiences taken away from us by IF.

It made me a bit sad that something so sweet, albeit poorly scripted and executed, could resurface the bitterness and anger I had at the course God has put us on. The unfairness of not being consulted of the detour He would set for us in our life plan. Our dream of biological children shattered and needing to be mourned. The constant inappropriate questions from people asking us about children and if we wanted any.

I know that there will be always something like a commercial, a movie plot, or a TV episode that will bring back those feeling of loss and anger. I know its not something that I can hide from. I just hate getting the wind knocked out of me while watching my favorite program.

Because it's things like this that get me thinking of questions I still don't have answers to like, "Why did God choose us to be the ones to deal with IF? Why does He think we can handle it? What does it all mean? What is He preparing us for? What lessons are we suppose to be learning? Have we learned them yet?"

The only possible "answer" I can come up with that makes sense to me is that maybe He is preparing us to be better people, and hopefully better parents. I honestly don't know. I'm sure I'll never know why God chose this path for us.

As hard as the road of IF is, I do believe in my heart that God's plan is always perfect, more perfect than I can ever imagine. I may not be able to see how our journey ends, but knowing God is walking with us as we are on this path makes it more bearable.

I just hate when stupid things like TV commercials remind me that I'm infertile. Praise God for a mute button, though I do wish a mute button applied to people as well.

'BLSSDX4'

This is the license plate Michael and I saw on a vehicle the other day while driving to the movies (yes, we go to the movies a lot).

Michael: So do you think 'BLSSDX4' means that they have 4 kids?

Me: Yes I think so, would it mean anything else, otherwise?

I knew Michael was being facetious when he asked me this question. The sentence dripped with so much sarcasm I could hardly answer him back without laughing. It was blatantly obvious that the vehicle in question, a ginormous red Suburban complete with the family STICKers on the left hand side of the rear window, intended to flaunt share with the world that they have 4 kids...or have been blessed 4x.

The laughter soon faded as the cynical part of my brain took over.

Damn Fertilists, why do they get to define what being 'blessed' means?

Once again a 'blessing' or 'blessed with' is equated with being on the receiving end of having children. And once the child(ren) come, they are equated with being 'miracles'.

Don't get me wrong. I truly understand the sentiment. Children really are miracles when you think about the fact that a typical couple, with no fertility issues, only has a 25% chance of conceiving each month. And once that couple has conceived there is a 10% to 20% chance of losing that baby through miscarriage in the first 20 weeks of gestation. So I get that babies are 'miracles' and parents are 'blessed' when they get them.

I just hate that these two words are used all the time in relation to babies, fertility and parenthood.

What about the rest of us, who have not been chosen to be 'blessed' with a 'miracle'?

I know for me, I feel left out, ignored and forgotten by God. I know that is not true, but I feel it on days when others people's fertility is being shoved in my face. God is not even the one doing the labling of what a blessing or a miracle is, its people.

Why hasn't God chosen to bless us with a miracle? Well, He has, but not with a baby or a pregnancy, and not in a way other people may view as a blessing or a miracle.

God has blessed me with a great husband, one who loves me, communicates with me, respects me and is sarcastic with me. A man who takes me to the movies every weekend in the Summer. A man who takes me to Disneyland every year on our anniversary and my birthday.*

The greatest miracle God has blessed us with is a great marriage, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

*I understand that there are a lot of Mes in that paragraph, but this is my blog. I can put as many Mes as I want to :)

"I Ain't Gonna Steal Your Kid, Lady."

I love going to the movies. I especially love some of the kids movies that come out. I'm a huge Pixar fan (however, I have yet to see 'Up', but its in my Netflix queue) and I like some of the Dreamworks films.

I especially loved "How to Train Your Dragon", that film was so clever and funny. I was really glad I made Michael come with me to see it.

I remember being in the lobby, balancing my Raisinets, Michael's Reeces and a bottle of water, walking back from the concessions to my seat. This little girl about 6 or 7 years old holding her own tray of popcorn, turned to me and asked me what movie I was here to see. I told her I was going to see "How to Train Your Dragon". She was so excited and told me that was the exact same movie she was going to see. She turned to her mother, who kept looking at me with this freaked out expression on her face, and told her "she's going to see the same movie we are, Mom."

This mom kept looking at me and the space around me, no doubt trying to see if I came with a child because then it might have been okay if her daughter was talking to me. She kept alternating her gaze from me to her daughter, and finally said to her, "that's great, do you know her?" "No," the little girl said. The mom quickly shooed her daughter away from me and said something to her about not talking to strangers.

All I kept thinking was, "I'm not gonna steal your kid, lady...she's too old and not very pretty." I do, after all, have standards.

I understand that this mom was just looking out for her daughter, but thanks for the confidence. Do I really look that menacing?

Flash forward to last Friday in the theatre waiting for Toy Story 3.  There were so many parents and kids. I don't think I saw another childless couple in the whole entire theatre. I seriously felt like I didn't belong at this particular movie. I felt scrutinized by all the parents there. I couldn't figure out if they were jealous of me and Michael, or if they were worried we might steal their kid during the movie.

I told Michael what had happened to me when we went to see "How to Train Your Dragon". He laughed and said we should have a t-shirt printed that says,

"Yes, I'm Infertile. No, I'm not going to steal your kid. She's too ugly."

Heehee :) That man of mine cracks me up and he really knows how to cheer me up.

June ICLW Welcome :)

I'm sorry that I'm a little late in doing this, please forgive me. If you are here because of ICLW week, welcome to my blog. If you would like to know how I came upon being 'in the middle' you can find our IF journey here.


Interesting things about me:
 
1) My brain retains a lot of useless information mostly movie and tv trivia and random work knowledge. Example 1: I can recite from memory the entire kitchen scene from Back to the Future. I can also tell you who was originally cast as Marty McFly. Example 2: I can tell you what the acronym PASTA stands for from my first job more than 10 years ago.
 
2) I want to get a tattoo, but they are expensive and I need to save up for our adoption.
 
3) I love frogs. If I could have a pet frog I would, but Jack (my kitty) might eat it.
 
4) I graduated from Cal State Long Beach (GO BEACH!!) in May 2002 the day before Steven Spielberg graduated.
 
5) My husband and I lived in Oxford, England for a 3 years while he was studying to get his D.Phil.
 
I'm looking forward to meeting new people. Please feel free to tell me something about you :)

Why I Want to Adopt

On Saturday afternoon I opened my email to find that our application was approved at the adoption agency we applied to. I was excited and relieved that our application had been approved. I realize that we still have to have a homestudy completed and submitted and we still have to be matched. But interestingly enough the big hurdle for me was the inital application. Yes, this is how my brain works.

In the email there were some documents attached informing us that we have to make what they call a 'Life Book'. Basically its a photo album, autobiography of us, and Dear Birth Parents' letter all in one. Once a birthmother selects us, she keeps our Life Book.

One of the things we must include is why we desire to adopt a child. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that surely I have thought about why we want to adopt. And I have, but reading it back it seems like a selfish reason.

The reason I want to adopt is plain and simple, I want to be a mother. I want to love and nuture another human being. I want to be a family to a baby that needs a family.

Still, those reasons don't seem good enough, do they? Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I being selfish?

I know that choosing adoption isn't the easiest choice for any couple. When we made the decision to adopt it wasn't made lightly. I knew I still had some unresolved grief toward my IF and we've been in counselling to help me resolve those issues. I wanted to make sure that I had grieved my dream childern before moving forward with adoption. I wanted to make certain that we were adopting because it was what we were lead to do, not because it was the most logical next step in building our family.

In a way it is the next logical step, but I didn't want to adopt just for the sake of adopting. I truly believe, right now, adoption chose us. Maybe that is why its hard for me to answer a simple question.

I remember when Michael and I had been ttc for about a year. We were living in Oxford at the time and our friends A and R had just had their baby. He was a little guy, about 6 weeks old and R was making sure everyone got to hold him. (This was when holding other people's babies was fun.) I hadn't held him yet, so she handed him to me. I held him for about 2 hours and he slept the entire time.

I remember thinking how small and fragile this little life was in my arms and he was totally dependent on me. Even though I didn't give birth to him, there was this automatic need to watch over him and make sure he was okay, and there was such a peace about it. That is when it clicked for me that I would be okay with adoption (that and a few months of counselling, 6 years later).

I just want to be a mother. Is that a good enough reason?

If anyone is reading this entry and is in the process of adopting or has already adopted, can you please share in the comments with me why you chose to adopt?

Update?

Not so much. I haven't heard from the agency yet to find out if our application was even approved. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I can't help it.

I just keep thinking...what if we're not approved? What do we do now? We don't have a Plan B. This is Plan B. At least for now this is Plan B.

Now that I think about it...technically if we are talking about a 'Plan' and assigning letters to them this is "S" or "T". Or I could call it Plan A to the 6th power.

Stop. Breathe. Okay.

I know logically there isn't a reason why we wouldn't be approved, but my brain works on a scale from pessimist to optimist. Is it the same as "hope for the best, expect the worst"?

Anyway, I went to Atlanta, GA last week and oh my was it hot and humid. I washed my hair and it took all day for it to dry.  Michael and I walked through Centennial Park one hot Wednesday afternoon. It was really beautiful. I wish I had taken pictures, but sadly I did not. They had a number of sculptures and dedications to past and present athletes. It was really touching the tribute they made to the athletes. But all I kept thinking about was how hot and humid it was...and it was only the beginning of June! I don't think I would have liked being an Olympic Athlete running a Marathon in Atlanta, GA in August. I would have perished.

While I was there I also went to the Georgia Aquarium and the World of Coca-Cola. Apparently the Georgia Aquarium is the largest aquarium on the East Coast. Here are some pictures.

The ginormous thing in the tank is a Whale Shark.

 Just to give a perspective on how huge the tank is.

A display of the Olympic Torches at the World Of Coca-Cola.

 The close-up of the Atlanta torch and the Vancouver torch.

The World of Coca-Cola was a lot of fun. Especially at the end of the tour, you can go into the "Taste of Coke" room and try all the fizzy drinks Coca-Cola distributes all over the world. My favorite one was a drink called 'Candy' and the flavor was called 'Pine Nut'. It tasted like a Pina Colada and as my friends in England would say, "It was lush."

Well that is it, have a great weekend, everyone. I will let you all know once we hear from the agency.

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Since turning 33 this past Tuesday (thank you all for the lovely birthday wishes), it seems to have opened the flood gates to inappropriate questions. Well maybe not so much inappropriate as intruding questions.

People hear '33' and they seem to think that its okay to now have that 'talk' with me about it being time for me to settle down and have kids.

Yes, like I haven't thought of that too.

My hairdresser was the first one this week. "When are you going to have kids? You know, its time to start thinking about it."

I had only a split second to think about whether or not I should be honest with her and tell her we are infertile or just let it slide. The last time I let it slide I was called a 'Woman of Leisure' in which the questioners wrongfully assumed that I didn't want kids. The end result was not pretty, as I was on the verge of tears and practically yelling at them that I did in fact want kids, we were just was unable to have them.

I decided to be completely honest with her. Her face fell, she seemed genuinely sorry that she had asked. I think she was searching for something comforting to say, the end result was, "enjoy your life and the time you have with your husband." She should have stopped after that, but instead she proceeded to tell me how difficult it was raising four children. Thanks...I think.

The next one was yesterday with a new member. I was training her on the machines and like all new people they want to chat, so what is the question she asks me, "Any children?"

Crap!!!

"No"

"Do you want kids?"

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

And there it was again, the internal conflict of choosing to be honest or choosing to cower in my own secrecy of IF. I choose honesty, and for the worse reason yet. I wanted her to feel bad asking a young infertile woman the one question she hates to hear and answer. I wanted to strip away the assumption that just because a woman looks of child-bearing age, doesn't mean she can bear children. I wanted her to think twice about ever opening with that line of questioning...ever again.

So I said, "We want kids, we're just not able to have them."

Of course what I really wanted to say was,  Thank you, for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it. (Thanks Miracle Max).

I know honesty is the best thing in dealing with people and their annoying questions, its just so exhausting. Every time I 'out myself' to these people, anxiety soon follows. I can feel my heart start to beat faster and faster against my ribcage. I can feel the tears threatening to come from behind my eyes, followed by the painful lump in my throat, as I try to be strong and come clean about my inability to have children.

I swear the next person that asks me the 'kids' question, I'll be sure to accompany my honest answer with some tears.

On a happy note, I'm excited that we finally picked an adoption agency. I spent my birthday night rewriting the application and deciding which picture to send with it. I choose this one.

Its the professional one the Disney Photoman took with his camera. The one he took on my camera was awful. I think they do that on purpose so you have to buy the pictures they take.

Anyway, I'm glad that we took that step of faith. We will see what happens and what God has in store for us.

Have a great weekend, everyone :)

Happy Birthday to Me...

Heehee :) yes its my birthday today and I've been 33 for the little over an hour. I'm normally not so straight forward with urging people to comment, but it is my birthday, so please show me some love. Like I said in my previous post, it is the only day I have a valid excuse to be the center of attention and not look like a complete @$$. I promise not every post will be like this.

I also would like to wish my blogger friend Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed a wonderful Happy Birthday as well. So when you are finished wishing me a happy birthday in the comments please go over to her blog and wish her a happy Birthday as well.

The celebrations started yesterday with lots of fun at Farrell's. It was awesome! I was so stuffed, but it was soo worth it. I worked out that day, so technically I had already burned off the calories I was going to consume, so it evens out. (I think?) Sorry no pictures, I forgot my camera.

Yesterday, Michael and I went to Disneyland. I love wearing my "Happy Birthday" button even if there are tens of thousands of people with exact same button. It still makes me feel special when someone sees it and wishes me a 'Happy Birthday'. We got to go on Space Mountain twice, Indiana Jones twice, Pirates, Big Thunder Mountain, Soarin' over California. Unfortunately my favorite roller coaster "California Screamin' was temporarily closed and than when it did reopen everyone in CA was in line. *sigh* So we didn't go on it.

Today I haven't decided how I should celebrate. Last year I stayed home and had an Indiana Jones Marathon because the day before was our 3rd IUI and I was still cramping. I haven't decided this year if I should just keep it simple and get a pedicure, or do some simple shopping. Or I could do both.

So I leave you all with a clip from my favorite show. And I promise to catch up on all my comments before ICLW week is over:)

May ICLW Welcome :)

I'm sorry that I'm a little late in doing this, please forgive me. If you are here because of ICLW week, welcome to my blog. If you would like to know how I came upon being 'in the middle' you can find our IF journey here.

There are some things you should know about me:

1) I love musicals - Its hard to pick a favorite. Right now its a tie between The Sound of Music and Sweeney Todd. Sweeney Todd is winning as I have this soundtrack on my iPod.

2) I'm a night person. I love staying up late, I just hate what it does to me the next morning.

3) I have naturally curly hair, but I straighten it with my beloved Con-Air 2-in-1 Wet 'n Dry Straightener. It was the best $20 I spent at Target.

4) I'm a major coffee addict and an emotional coffee drinker. I will brew a pot if I'm feeling sad just to warm me and cheer me up. Umm its soo good, but maybe not for my kidneys.

5) My cat Jack has 3 namesakes - Jack Bristow from Alias, Jack Bauer from 24, Jack Malone from Without a Trace.

6) I'm probably the only woman my age (32 and 363 days) that loves her birthday. Its the only day I have a valid excuse to be the center of attention and not look like a complete...well you know.

7) I know the entire movie Sixteen Candles by heart.

I'm looking forward to meeting new people. In the comments please leave me some things I should know about you :)

The Wisdom of Glee

Can I just say how much I love the show Glee? Well of course I can, this is my blog :) Anyway, Tuesday's episode was really great, lots of twists, Neil Patrick Harris awesomeness (I've never heard him sing before. Yes I know, I live in a cave), but for me the highlight of the episode was Artie's subplot.

Tina wanted Artie to do a dance number with her. It didn't turn out so good. Encouraging him that he will walk again one day, Tina brings Artie a mountain of paperwork of breakthrough research that she found in regards to spinal cord injuries.

And then there was the best part of the show...Artie's daydream dance sequence set to Men without Hats Safety Dance.

But the real clincher for me was toward the end of the episode when Artie realizes that he may never be able to walk again. And he tells Tina gently, "I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true." 

I nearly cried, because that is what I've been trying to do for the past six months, but no one will help me move on. No one will help me redirect my focus. No one will allow me to let go of the dream of having a biological child. Its almost like they are somewhat discouraged that they now have to pray for our adoption. Like we are settling for something else and not "focusing on the miracle".

I know these people are well-intentioned when they tell us that they are "praying for a miracle of a biological child," or that they are "believing in God to bring us a child of our own."  But its difficult to feel their support when their focus is so much different than ours.

I can't afford to hold onto that hope, or believe that God will someday allow us to have a child that is half me and half Michael. I can't continue to think about when God will ever open my womb, because He might not choose to do so. I can't keep focusing on what if this month is the month, because honestly, I've been doing that for six years and all it brings is disappointment when I don't see two pink lines.

Instead, I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true.

And because I love Glee and Artie here is his 'Safety Dance'

Holding My Breath

I feel like half of the year I'm holding my breath and counting the days until one month passes into the next.

Case in point, February. I hate February and I'm so thankful it is the shortest month of the year. February is when everything changed for us. February is when the ectopic happened. February is when everything became much more complicated in our quest to have a baby. February is when our "just an ovulation problem" became a "tubal factor" and "ovulation problem". So for the past two Februarys I've held my breath and prayed for March to come fast.

I love March. Our anniversary is in March and we always go to Disneyland, dodging the strollers all day in our mission to get to the good rides.

But this year I found myself once again holding my breath when April came.  April would have been my due date month had I not miscarried in August.

And now we are in May and I'm still holding my breath, praying tomorrow and the rest of this month goes by fast. I don't like Mother's Day. I haven't gone to church on MD for the last two years. I just can't do it. Its too hard. I couldn't even make it through a baby dedication in January, I doubt my heart will allow me to make it through a church service. I'm not sure if I'll ever make my peace with Mother's Day.

I've been holding my breath through this month for the past 6 years, more so in the last 3 years since turning 30. The breath holding doesn't stop after Mother's Day, it continues until the day before my birthday, near the end of May, when I'm reminded that I'll be another year older and still no baby.

Its harder this year, because we're not trying to have a baby anymore. We're no longer doing treatments, and I'm sad. Sad that I'll never get to see my babies, heartbroken that they weren't meant for this world and tired of trying to put a happy face on a situation that sucks.

I'm not sure what kind of day I'll have tomorrow. I know the day is not all about me. I have a mom and Mother's Day is when I can honor her as my mom, and be thankful I get to spend such a day with her.

I just hate that I feel forgotten.

I'm sure I'll be holding my breath through most of tomorrow, but I'll do my best to remember to breathe.

Friends clip Friday

As you all know I am an avid Friends fan. That show never ceases to make me laugh on a bad day. My favorite season is season 8, though at times its hard to watch, as it is the season Rachel is pregnant. The next funniest season is season 10, followed by season 6.

All that to say that the below clip is from season 5. I laugh everytime I see this episode on TV.

My eyes! My eyes!

Heehee enjoy!

What IF?

What IF, after all the pain and struggle of trying to have a baby, enduring the heartache of loss and failure, there is nothing left of me to give a baby through adoption?

I worry sometimes that because we had been TTC for more than 6 years, endured two miscarriages, and now are no longer TTC, if there is enough in me left to open my heart to adoption. All our invested hopes and dreams of having children of our own has been spent, what if there is nothing left to give?

Its been nine years of wanting a baby, six years of trying for a baby, What IF by the time I get baby I'm not good at being a mother, or worse after waiting so long, I hate being a mother?

Yes, my brain works on overload and I tend to ride that bad train of thought until I'm lying on the couch dissolved in tears. I forget sometimes, that thinking too far ahead in the future, can distort perceptions and create fear of the unknown. I have to be reminded to just concentrate on today. Just get through today.

But I can't help it. I've been fantasizing about the future and our children for ages. I've had their names picked out for 10 years. I've dreamt about who they would look like. If they would have my curly hair or Michael's hazel eyes.

There are some days, rare occasions, when I just want to stop...everything, stop all pursuits at parenthood. Because some days I'm not sure what kind of mother I will turn into having walked the road of infertility.

But then there is this voice in my head asking, nagging, yelling at me that What IF I'm good at being a mother, and I love and cherish every minute of it? Even the all night crying and sleepless nights.

What IF the wait was worth it in the end? Because I couldn't imagine my life without this child in it.

What IF all the pain of waiting, the anguish of failure, the heartache of loss was turned into joy? What IF all that we have been through makes us better, loving parents? What IF this child has been waiting for us and not the other way around?

Then I'll stay for the ride and endure the road blocks and speed bumps along the way. I'll open my heart to whatever God has in store for me. I'll pray He gives me the strength to hold on to the hope of our child, where ever he/she may be, that they will soon come home to us.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week April 24 - May 1. This post was part of Project IF organized by Resolve.org and Mel of StirrupQueens.com. To learn more about infertility and how you can support someone you know going through this journey visit Resolve.org for more information.

If you would like to view the complete list of What IFs you can find them here.

Outing Myself

*****But first an apology*****

I know it's ICLW week, but lately I've been completely blank on anything to post. I'll write something that sounds like an interesting topic to post. I'll read it back and it ends up being complete rubbish. So I'm sorry to all the people from ICLW who have only had my greeting to read.

Now back to topic.

In light of National Infertility Awareness Week April 24-May 1 I decided that I would 'out' myself to my Facebook Friends about our infertility. I was encouraged to do so by Busted Kate of Busted Plumbing, who did this very brave thing on FB yesterday.

At first I was very apprehensive and couldn't see the good in doing so. Are you mad? I don't want to open myself up to MORE insensitive comments, MORE useless platitudes, MORE unhelpful advice. NO Thank you.

But the more I got to thinking about it. If I didn't out myself about our IF the perpetual cycle of insensitive comments, useless platitudes and unhelpful advice would continue to find me. At least by doing this one simple thing I can educate and inform.

I fretted about it for a few hours until I decided to just do it. But first I needed to make sure it would be okay with Michael. As this outing would be our outing not just mine. He told me to do it. I was scared to do this, but still determined.

Here is what I put as my status yesterday:

April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness week. This week, I am not hiding the fact that we suffer from infertility. It has been a part of our lives for more than 6 years. Please don't tell us to relax. Please don't tell us there is a reason. Please don't tell us everything works in God's time. Instead, just say you're praying for us.

And I waited to see what being honest would do to me. I felt liberated...and slightly nauseous. What if this backfired on me? But nothing bad happened.

All the comments I've received have been great and supportive. One I got from my old pastor thanked me for being real. I thought that was the best one, because I'm not very real on FB, and putting this as my status was as real as I've ever gotten.

The absolute best was when I went on FB this morning and Michael put it on his status too. I really love that man of mine.

ICLW week :)

Welcome! If you would like to know more about ICLW just click on the blue icon to the left. If you are visiting here for the first time you can find our journey on the left as well. However, if you would like to read a detailed version of our story, you can read it here.

Some random things about me:

1) I met my husband on a blind date.

2) I love roller coasters.

3) When I'm having a bad day I crank up my iPod to "Don't Stop Believin'" and sing at the top of my lungs and dance till I feel better.

4) My favorite show is Friends. (I bought the DVDs in order of funniness.)

5) My Disneyland Pass is awesome and the best investment I ever made.

Well that is a little bit about me :) Happy ICLW week. I look forward to meeting new people.

Edit to add: I neglected to include which version of "Don't Stop Belivin'" I rock out too. Its the Glee version. LOVE GLEE!!!

"Michael, Party of Two"

Every Friday Michael and I have a "Date Night". It’s a tradition we started our first year of marriage when our weekday working hours prevented us from spending quality time together. That first year all we had were the weekends, and they started with Friday night date night.

Every Friday we alternate in picking which restaurant we would like to frequent. My decision is solely based on what dessert I would like to take home that night.

When we were first married, I remembered always enjoying being seated in the "Party of Two" booth. They are the smaller booths in restaurants sometimes situated along the edge of the bar or scattered in places with limited space.

These smaller booths give off a nice, intimate feel for a date night. The table between the booth seats is smaller in comparison to the regular tables, so Michael doesn't feel so far away from me. When he reaches for my hands, he can actually hold them, and when he is telling me about his day, he is talking to me and not the entire restaurant. It's a small safe place for us to catch up with each other and enjoy the evening.

However, as the years of TTC passed with failed treatments and no pregnancies. Sadness set in from watching friends have their 2nd, 3rd, and 4th kid. The wonderful "Party of Two" booth seemed to mock me, reminding me of what we were (infertile), and what we didn’t yet have (our child). And I began to resent having to sit there.

In my twisted perception I felt that other patrons knew that we couldn’t have children. I misconstrued the polite smiles of the hostess, leading us to our seats, as a show of pity in regards to our circumstances. It was a horrible train of thought to be riding, but depression will do that to a person.

It’s taken a while, and a far bit of counseling, but I’ve made my peace with the “Party of Two” booth. It’s now my favorite place to sit with my Hubby, and enjoy a meal together.

Tonight we are going to BJ's Brewery. They have the best pizza and the best “Party of Two” booths.

Well, it worked for Chandler and Monica

One thing I liked about the show Friends is that they not only dealt with Chandler and Monica's journey with infertility, but they also showed their journey with domestic infant adoption. Of course through the magic of TV their adoption was not only uncharacteristically quick, it was easy, and they ended up with TWINS!!!

Please understand that I'm not naive enough to think that DIA will be an easy process for us like it was for Chandler and Monica. We haven't even decided on an agency yet, still researching other agencies.

The weird thing is I'm not as obsessed about this process as I have been in the past when "Operation Baby" started 6 1/2 years ago. And I guess a lack of obsession is always a good thing, but does the lack of obsession mean a lack of dedication on my part? Does it mean that I don't care as much about adoption as I once did of TTC (trying to conceive)?

I can't believe I'm fretting over not being obsessed about adoption.

*facepalm*

Maybe I just needs someone to give me a big, huge, white binder full of adoption information that is broken down into categories and then cross-referenced with matching forms in the back of it.

Stingy Now, Generous Later

Yesterday received some information packets from adoption agencies I contacted last week. If we decide to go with the one that is out of state we found a local agency here that will do our Homestudy and Educational classes. Looking at the fee schedule for this other agency made me slightly depressed as it was more expensive than their website indicated. So still no final decision on an agency.

*headdesk*

Last night I just kept wishing that I was "normal", "regular", "fertile". And then other stuff followed like: I wish I already had my children. I wish I didn't have to worry about irregular cycles, another ectopic pregnancy, or choosing an adoption agency. I wish I didn't live in the most expensive state in America where the fees for an agency is 16K to 35K.

Most of all, I wish I knew why God chose this journey for us. I don't like spoilers when it comes to movies, but this is my life, please God, spoil me. I promise I'll look and act surprised when I see what it is that you have for us.

But God doesn't work like that, and to be honest, I wouldn't want Him to do that for me.

As I was laying in bed on the verge of tears I remembered something Michael said to me the morning of our miscarriage in August. "Maybe God needs to be stingy to us now, to be generous to a child later."  I was reminded that maybe the reason we are going through this journey is that there is a child out there who needs us, and God's generosity.

So Baby, where ever you are, Mommy and Daddy are waiting and praying for you. We just haven't found each other yet, but we will.

Opening Up

There are a few things about myself that I sell myself short at, one of them is my ability to relate to other women. More specifically, relating to women my own age or around my age. It's not that I don't want to make friends with them, or have them be a part of my life. Its mainly that I have this secret, this "thing" that makes me different from them.

And the difference isn't just tastes in movies, or whether I prefer ranch dressing with my fries instead of ketchup. (Mmm fries.)

It’s a "thing" that makes me feel like an outsider in a room full of women...most of whom just happen to be mothers.

The "thing" that separates me from the norm of this circle of women is...infertility.

I chose to keep our our infertility a secret from everyone except a few close friends. I kept it a secret for so long, that I had become more of an intovert than I already had been prior to our IF diagnosis. I had realized that once people found out that we couldn't have children, we became open to insensitive comments, inappropriate questions, and useless platitudes. It had become easier to keep things to myself, rather than share them with others.

I also learned that keeping a secret takes hard work. Retraining myself to open up to people, takes even harder work.

I had the opportunity to hang out with a friend from church earlier this week. L is a very sweet person and a great mother. We hung out at Target (my favorite), and had coffee at the Starbucks inside the store. It was a lot of fun hanging out with L and her two kiddos, but I was still slightly nervous and flustered the whole time. I just hope I didn't scare her away...or bore her to death.

*facepalm*

Now that I'm aware that I do this, I will try to not be so guarded when a friend wants to geniunely hang out with me. I will try to remember to relax and be myself. So, to my friends who are reading this, bear with me. I'm trying to open up, but it will take me a while :)