The Security of a Routine

I have realized over the past couple of weeks that I like having a routine. It might seem boring to others, living by a routine, but I have found that there is a security that a routine provides.

Routines are predictable, you can foresee what you will be doing and that knowledge is comforting because there are no surprises.

I wasn't always like this. I used to like surprises, especially if that "surprise" was of the gift variety.

However, living with infertility and the struggles that come with it, the "surprises" I have endured over the past couple of years haven't been all that forgiving.

SURPRISE!! You have Polycystic Ovaries!

SURPRISE!! You will need fertility drugs to help you conceive!

SURPRISE!! That sharp pain in your abdomen, that's your tube rupturing!

SURPRISE!! Your very last IUI turned out to be a chemical pregnancy!

SURPRISE!! Your adoption match has failed!

I hate surprises. I hate infertility.

Lately for the past month, I've had to fit in a new task in my weekly routine - my new old job. Yes, you read that right - I'm back at my old job. Part of the deal in returning was that I would only work two days a week, Mondays and Wednesdays nights, no morning shifts, and no responsibilities.

So far all the terms have been met, which to my relief and sanity has made for a pleasant working experience. But this week I was asked to come in and work a short shift on Tuesday. I didn't realize that a short detour from my normal routine would throw me off so badly.

All day I felt a familiar tightness in my chest, and I was struggling to catch my breath. It was an anxiety attack, all because my routine got thrown off kilter.

I felt like a bit of an idiot getting all worked up over a wrinkle in my week. It wasn't a major change, I was only coming into work for an hour and a half. Big deal. But, why was I getting so worked up over something so little? Because there was a change to my routine.

I think its because I have found the value in the small routines that I have and the security and stability that they provide me. There are no surprises in them, only a predictability that I find comforting.

However, when it comes to food, I don't like routine, so at least there is some spontaneity in my life.

The Darkside of Procrastination

or How is an Adoption profile like a Horcrux?

For the last couple of months I've have been procrastinating getting our profile done and sent to our adoption agency. My brain has been constantly fighting with me about having to do the work.

In all honesty, I don't want to do the work. I feel like I've (we've) been doing the work for 9 years now to try to have a child and doing all the work hasn't done anything for us.

Part of what was fueling this feeling of anger, sadness and resentment was two friends of ours had recent placements within a year or less of waiting...and here we are going on two years and still waiting.

And it doesn't help that it's coming upon a year since our failed adoption and everyone around us is getting matched. Hating myself for being so angry and stubborn, I had some words with God, and naturally He won.

As gently as possible He revealed to me an interesting point: If I don't complete this profile and send it in, I can't honestly say that I did everything in my power, or everything that was asked of me (us) to further our endeavors to add a child to our family.

He's right. If I don't finish it, I'll always wonder what would have happened had I finished it. And not finishing it, would be giving up on this entire journey.

*sigh*

I finished our profile yesterday and sent it in.

I'm a harsh critic of things I do, and while I like the story part of our profile, I'm not excited about the finished product. However, Michael and two of our friends that I showed it to, like it. I'm just waiting to hear from our social worker to find out if there are any additions or corrections that need to be made.

I'm elated that this part of the adoption process is finished. I had such a hard time with it. It seemed like such a simple task, but I quickly discovered that it was not so simple.

My two friends, L and N were keeping me on task with this profile as they were eager to see it finished. One particular Monday, I was asked what part of the profile I was having trouble finishing, and that is when I started crying and ranting about having to do all this work, when I felt others didn't have to do anything*.

My new good friend N (who is a huge Potter-head and someone I get to geek out with every Monday morning about Doctor Who) said this to me in the midst of my tears, "It's [the profile] your Horcrux**. It's an object that you are having to pour your soul into, and that is hard to do."

Leave it to someone to use Harry Potter as a way to illustrate my difficulty with making an adoption profile.

So having poured my soul onto a piece of paper, complete with pictures was both exhausting and exilarating.

And now we wait...again.

*To my RL friends, I apologize for making this assumption. I know you each had your own struggles to add to your families, and I know it wasn't easy being in the midst of the struggle. I was sad when I said this, and I apologize for saying it.

(**Yes, I understand that a Horcrux is a dark object in the Potter-verse, but the sentiment about having to pour my soul into an object (profile) was spot on.)