Survivors' Guilt

UGH! Has it really been five months since I last posted?

I swore to myself that I would keep this blog up. Sorry for being MIA.

Last time I wrote we were approaching the dreaded 4-month sleep regression, and let me tell you, that was hard. We went from short naps, to no naps, to overtired infant and sleep-deprived mom. It was madness. On top of that, her reflux meds needed to be adjusted for her weight. No wonder she didn't want to nap.

I found this wonderful baby sleep site called Troublesome Tots. The woman is a genius. Started putting A in a swing for naps, and it helped her sleep by having her upright, as well as "teaching" her how to fall asleep on her own. At night I played with "Putting her down awake" and some days it worked, some days not so much.

At five months we moved A to her own room, which was the best move we could have done. She slept much better in her own space.

At six months we moved her out of her pack n' play and into her crib, though still having her sleep in a swing for naps. Three weeks later A weaned herself off the swing and is now sleeping exclusively in her crib.

A is seven months now, no teeth and still sleeping through the night. She can roll over from tummy to back and back to tummy. She likes to squeal real loudly and scare the cats. I put her in the infant carrier and we go for walks, but since she is so fair I have to be careful about the sun for fear she might burst into flames.

Even after seven months it's still so surreal that we have a baby.

Speaking of surreal...Mother's day was a whole new experience.

For awhile, even after having A, I was still struggling with the concept of "Mothers' Day". I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to church, go to brunch, or just spend the day with my mom walking around antique shops (something we always do). I didn't really want to think about it.

Mothers' Day had always been this longed-for treasured experience, that over the years turned into my biggest enemy (along with her mate, Fathers' Day). Nine years of hating this day, and all of a sudden I'm suppose to put on a happy face and forget the past? But I am happy, so why do I feel so guilty?

One morning I had a breakthrough when it hit me why I was feeling the way I was...

Survivors' guilt.

I don't know if this is a common feeling among couples who are parenting after infertility. I don't think it is shared much for fear that the couple may be labeled "ungrateful" or "crazy". I questioned celebrating Mothers' Day, mostly because I still have friends that are deep in the trenches of infertility and loss.

But at the same time, I had "crossed over" and I felt I'd be doing a disservice to myself and my friends if I didn't enjoy the day, and it was a great day.

I was actually happy, which I haven't allowed myself to be happy on that day for the last 9 years.  We even went to church. It was surreal being out with A and my mom and not have this heavy weight of "what could have been". Instead it was a welcoming lightness of "what is to come".

However, I would not be able to celebrate Mothers' day if it wasn't for one brave young woman who made the most courageous sacrifice, so that I could become a mother. Thank you!

Holding My Breath

I feel like half of the year I'm holding my breath and counting the days until one month passes into the next.

Case in point, February. I hate February and I'm so thankful it is the shortest month of the year. February is when everything changed for us. February is when the ectopic happened. February is when everything became much more complicated in our quest to have a baby. February is when our "just an ovulation problem" became a "tubal factor" and "ovulation problem". So for the past two Februarys I've held my breath and prayed for March to come fast.

I love March. Our anniversary is in March and we always go to Disneyland, dodging the strollers all day in our mission to get to the good rides.

But this year I found myself once again holding my breath when April came.  April would have been my due date month had I not miscarried in August.

And now we are in May and I'm still holding my breath, praying tomorrow and the rest of this month goes by fast. I don't like Mother's Day. I haven't gone to church on MD for the last two years. I just can't do it. Its too hard. I couldn't even make it through a baby dedication in January, I doubt my heart will allow me to make it through a church service. I'm not sure if I'll ever make my peace with Mother's Day.

I've been holding my breath through this month for the past 6 years, more so in the last 3 years since turning 30. The breath holding doesn't stop after Mother's Day, it continues until the day before my birthday, near the end of May, when I'm reminded that I'll be another year older and still no baby.

Its harder this year, because we're not trying to have a baby anymore. We're no longer doing treatments, and I'm sad. Sad that I'll never get to see my babies, heartbroken that they weren't meant for this world and tired of trying to put a happy face on a situation that sucks.

I'm not sure what kind of day I'll have tomorrow. I know the day is not all about me. I have a mom and Mother's Day is when I can honor her as my mom, and be thankful I get to spend such a day with her.

I just hate that I feel forgotten.

I'm sure I'll be holding my breath through most of tomorrow, but I'll do my best to remember to breathe.