Thank you Apple, Inc for once again reminding me that I'm infertile.

Have you seen the new iPhone 4 commercial? This woman tells her husband through the new video share feature that she is pregnant. However, before she shares this precious news with her husband she tortuously drags out the news by asking first if he has a minute, then asks if he is alone and finally says, "You know that thing we've been working on for a while now. Well..."


I'll admit the commercial is sweet, but after being beaten to death with it yesterday, it started to slowly pry open a wound that I wasn't aware still had tender spots, but one that I had hoped I had come to resolve and move on from. It was a part of myself that didn't want to be reminded of the life experiences taken away from us by IF.

It made me a bit sad that something so sweet, albeit poorly scripted and executed, could resurface the bitterness and anger I had at the course God has put us on. The unfairness of not being consulted of the detour He would set for us in our life plan. Our dream of biological children shattered and needing to be mourned. The constant inappropriate questions from people asking us about children and if we wanted any.

I know that there will be always something like a commercial, a movie plot, or a TV episode that will bring back those feeling of loss and anger. I know its not something that I can hide from. I just hate getting the wind knocked out of me while watching my favorite program.

Because it's things like this that get me thinking of questions I still don't have answers to like, "Why did God choose us to be the ones to deal with IF? Why does He think we can handle it? What does it all mean? What is He preparing us for? What lessons are we suppose to be learning? Have we learned them yet?"

The only possible "answer" I can come up with that makes sense to me is that maybe He is preparing us to be better people, and hopefully better parents. I honestly don't know. I'm sure I'll never know why God chose this path for us.

As hard as the road of IF is, I do believe in my heart that God's plan is always perfect, more perfect than I can ever imagine. I may not be able to see how our journey ends, but knowing God is walking with us as we are on this path makes it more bearable.

I just hate when stupid things like TV commercials remind me that I'm infertile. Praise God for a mute button, though I do wish a mute button applied to people as well.

Why I Want to Adopt

On Saturday afternoon I opened my email to find that our application was approved at the adoption agency we applied to. I was excited and relieved that our application had been approved. I realize that we still have to have a homestudy completed and submitted and we still have to be matched. But interestingly enough the big hurdle for me was the inital application. Yes, this is how my brain works.

In the email there were some documents attached informing us that we have to make what they call a 'Life Book'. Basically its a photo album, autobiography of us, and Dear Birth Parents' letter all in one. Once a birthmother selects us, she keeps our Life Book.

One of the things we must include is why we desire to adopt a child. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that surely I have thought about why we want to adopt. And I have, but reading it back it seems like a selfish reason.

The reason I want to adopt is plain and simple, I want to be a mother. I want to love and nuture another human being. I want to be a family to a baby that needs a family.

Still, those reasons don't seem good enough, do they? Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I being selfish?

I know that choosing adoption isn't the easiest choice for any couple. When we made the decision to adopt it wasn't made lightly. I knew I still had some unresolved grief toward my IF and we've been in counselling to help me resolve those issues. I wanted to make sure that I had grieved my dream childern before moving forward with adoption. I wanted to make certain that we were adopting because it was what we were lead to do, not because it was the most logical next step in building our family.

In a way it is the next logical step, but I didn't want to adopt just for the sake of adopting. I truly believe, right now, adoption chose us. Maybe that is why its hard for me to answer a simple question.

I remember when Michael and I had been ttc for about a year. We were living in Oxford at the time and our friends A and R had just had their baby. He was a little guy, about 6 weeks old and R was making sure everyone got to hold him. (This was when holding other people's babies was fun.) I hadn't held him yet, so she handed him to me. I held him for about 2 hours and he slept the entire time.

I remember thinking how small and fragile this little life was in my arms and he was totally dependent on me. Even though I didn't give birth to him, there was this automatic need to watch over him and make sure he was okay, and there was such a peace about it. That is when it clicked for me that I would be okay with adoption (that and a few months of counselling, 6 years later).

I just want to be a mother. Is that a good enough reason?

If anyone is reading this entry and is in the process of adopting or has already adopted, can you please share in the comments with me why you chose to adopt?