Caught off Guard

This morning at church Michael and I were running late. We made it in time for worship, and sang a couple of songs. However, after only two songs our Pastor went up to the stage and said the two words that make me wish I had stayed home - Baby Dedication.

I was totally caught off guard.

Michael looked at me, his eyes wide with concern and asked, "Are you going to be okay?"

I thought I was, but before I could answer him I could already feel a tightness in my throat, and my vision obsured with tears. I just couldn't do it. I had to leave before someone saw me cry.

"No, but I don't want to leave you here by yourself." I replied.

"I'll be fine, go."

I grabbed my purse, and walked out.

As I walked out the tears came faster and faster. I wasn't quick enough to wipe them away. The empty feeling in my chest was so great and overwhelming I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop crying.

I felt at bit stupid for being so emotional, and so selfish for leaving. Once again, something as innocent as a baby dedication made me dissolve into tears.

I know no one else would have understood my teary reaction or the need to remove myself from the situation. I wished we had been warned about what was coming. But sadly no one looks out for the infertile couple sitting in the back mourning their dream children.

Don't you wish you could just shut your brain off.

I haven't really posted in a while. Mostly because the thoughts running through my head are kind of sad and pathetic. Lately I haven't been able to sleep. I get tired, my eyes hurt, my body is ready for sleep, but my brain just can't shut off.

I lay my head on my pillow, turn off the TV, close my eyes to go to sleep and all I can think about is "I hate being infertile. I hate that I can't get pregnant. I hate that somedays I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women. I hate feeling so different from everyone else. I hate that I feel like I've been waiting for the next phase of my life to begin for the last 6 years. I hate that I sound so pathetic."

I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if we could have kids of our own. I'd be worrying about which pre-school to enroll them in, rather then which adoption agency to use.

I don't have these thoughts all the time. I think what sparked them was our meeting with a Social Worker of an Adoption agency last week. Everything went fine. She was very sweet. She answered our questions and talked us through the whole process. The only downer part of the meeting came when discussing the fees.

Why does it have to cost so much money? I feel like I'm buying a baby instead of adopting one.

Interestingly enough the waiting part didn't bother me. Twelve to eighteen months - I've been waiting 6 years for a baby, what's another year and half?

Michael and I still haven't made a decision as far as which agency we are choosing. I think we just want to make sure we choose the right one.

Please God, help us choose the right agency.

"Are You Enjoying Your Early Thirties?"

That was the question I got asked by the Bank Manager as I sat at his desk trying to straighten out the mess with our checks. I was surprised at the question considering he looked about the same age is me (give or take a few years).

"They're alright. Why?" I answered warily .

"My wife is having a hard time with turning 30."

"Oh, um. Do you have children?" I asked, cringing because I hate when people ask me that question.

"A two-year old."

Internal groan, of course he has a kid. *facepalm*

I smiled, nodded and told him that turning 30 was hard for me because I thought we (my husband and I) would have had two kids by then and we'd be done, but no. He looked surprised at the thought of being 30 and having two kids. I explained that I got married when I was 24, so it made sense to me. I had a plan, but nothing went according to my plan.

He proceeded to say what all fertile people with kids say (no offense to those with kids reading this) about kids being a major exhausting life change and blah, blah, blah. I smiled and told him that I know its a change. I know having kids must be hard. I might not have experienced that particular change or hardship yet, but that is only because I haven't been given the chance.

I don't think he was expecting me to be so open. I wasn't expecting it either, but he started it with that stupid question. And I didn't give him any details of our struggles and losses, that would have been overkill and a bit weird.

To be honest I haven't enjoyed my early thirties. They have been the hardest years for me. I sometimes think maybe last year and the year before were my two years of experiencing a mid-life crisis (okay that is probably a bit too over dramatic).

The only thing I enjoy about being in my early thirties is not looking like I am in my early thirties.

People ask the stupidest questions.

I don't like this feeling I am feeling

Lately everytime I think of us having children, either through natural means or adoption, I get a little...ambivalent about the whole thing. There are just some days I don't want to have anything to do with babies or adoption. Is this normal?

Now before you start judging me, just hear me out. Its not that I don't want to do the work involved with adoption. I'm thankful they ask for so much because they care where they are placing these children. Its not that I don't want to do adoption, I do. I really feel like it is what God wants us to do. And its not that I regret pursuing adoption, I don't.

I guess its just the fear that the adoption won't work out, so I'm finding it hard to get excited about the whole process. The fear that we won't pick the right agency. The fear that we will be taken advantage of by the wrong agency.

The weird thing is the fear is not enough to stop me from wanting to go forward with adoption. I think all the information or lack thereof scared me.