Invisibility Cloak

If you haven't figured out by now I'm a huge Harry Potter fan (shhh, don't tell my my mom, really if you know her don't tell her). One of the things I love about HP, besides the story, the characters, and the entire world JK Rowling has created, are the little bits of magical items associated with the world of Harry Potter.

I love Harry's Invisibility Cloak. It had once belonged to his father, James. In Book 1 Harry receives it as a Christmas gift from Dumbledore with a note that instructs Harry 'to use it well'. Throughout the series, Harry takes Dumbledore on that offer (sneaking out of bed after curfew (book 1 & 2), sneaking into Hogsmeade (book 3), eventually using it for protection (book 6) while on the run (book 7)). I think one of my favorite times that he uses the Cloak is in Book 4.  Its for something really simple, and understated. He uses it simply because he doesn't want to be noticed.

I know Invisibility Cloaks are not real. There are some days I wish they were real because I'd love to have one. Just to have one so I can go about my day unnoticed by people.

I don't know what that says about me. Maybe because there are some days that I just don't wish to be noticed or seen. Because if I'm not seen, I don't have to answer questions about how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. And if people don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, they won't judge me.

This all sounds really depressing. I know, but it was something that I was thinking about. I don't feel like this all the time. Generally I like being around people, but mostly as a silent observer and not really a vocal participant. I think it also depends on my mood and what kind of group setting I'm in. I realize that I deal really well one on one or a small group setting. Large groups still kind of freak me out.

I'm just having a hard time with the waiting. I think I'll always have a hard time with it. I think its affecting me more because of the pregnant women I see every week at church. Hence, the need for an Invisibility Cloak. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for them. Its not their fault I can't get pregnant.

I just wonder when will it ever be my turn. When am I going to be a mom? Will I ever get the opportunity? Am I meant to be one? Or is this adoption just something that we are supposed to do as part of our journey like with the IF treatments? IF treatments didn't result in a child for us, and I don't know if this adoption will either. I hope it will, but I don't know if it will.

And the thing is, the ache will still be there once their babies come and I'll still be waiting...

So Harry Potter, Happy Birthday. And if you aren't using your Invisibility Cloak on an Auror mission, I'd really like to borrow it.

Jumping the Shark

If you don't know what this term means then you either don't watch tv or you were born after 1985. It refers to when in a tv show, whether it be an hour long drama, or a half-hour tv sitcom, makes a desperate attempt and often absurd execution in their season plot line that virtually renders the show unwatchable. In other words, its television suicide.

In my opinion, this usually happens more commonly in half-hour sitcoms when one of the main characters (in many cases the 'mom') gets pregnant.

I remember when Elyse Keaton on Family Ties got pregnant and after she had the baby the show was okay, but it wasn't the same. The family dynamic changed not only between Steven and Elyse, but also the three siblings (Alex, Mallory and Jennifer) to accomdate Andrew (who seemed to age 5 years in one season).

I remember when I was a kid not liking it when sitcoms would do that. The same thing happened on Growing Pains, again changing the dynamic of the show between the characters. I don't think I watched it after that.

Even on Friends, when Rachel got pregnant I didn't like it, but I watched the rest of the season and the show until it wrapped for good in 2004. That season just happened to be the funniest season Friends had since season 6 (in my honest opinion).

I'm about to say something controversial on here, and some of you might not like it. But I wouldn't be accurately expressing myself if I didn't voice it.

There is a genuine joy and yet a constant fear that I have at the prospect of a baby entering our family of two dynamic.

Its been just the two of us for more than 10 years. Its something that I've been used to for all our married life, and to be quite honest those years have been beyond wonderful, dynamic to be exact.

I love having Michael all to myself. I'm grateful that we can still have 'Date Night'. We can go to Disneyland at a moments noice (or when our passes allow). Go to the movies every weekend in the summer. Stay up late, and sleep in. *sighs* All these things sound so stupid and petty, but its what I'm used to and what I'm comfortable with.

Its these things that I savour to keep me sane and prevent me from wallowing in self-pity.

I'm grateful for a freedom we have that most of our friends don't seem to have anymore now that they have children.

I think a part of me is scared of losing that freedom, of having to share Michael with someone else.

Overall, I guess I just want some reassurance that when the dynamics do change, I'll be up to scratch.

New Laptop

I got a new laptop and it arrived today. The FedEx guy was really sweet, he asked me if I was in school. Granted, I do look like I'm 23 years old, so I don't really blame him. I should have just said yes.

Now that I have my own laptop I don't have an excuse to not focus more on writing. 

When I was laid off a number of people told me told me that I should write a book. I laughed it off. But a number of people at my church, who know our story and our struggle, kept suggesting I write a book about our journey with infertilty. This kind of made me a bit upset. Is that all the see me as? The infertile young woman at their church?

But the more I thought about it. The more it really started to make sense.

When we were in Columbus in June, a question came to my mind. What kind of book would I have wanted to read while in the midst of our infertility journey? I did find a handful books, some of them with Christian themes and others that were not.

While I did find some helpful advice, most, if not all of them, had this kind of fairy-tale ending that just made me feel even worse about my situation.

I decided that it would be a good thing for me to write a book about our journey. Whether anything comes of it, I don't know. But I think it would be good just to write and share. It might help someone. It might not, don't know. I know it will help me to write everything out.

I panicked the other day about the prospect of having to organize my "project". I'm not an organized type of person. However, if I'm attempting to write a book, I'm going to have to learn to be organized.

This sarcastic voice inside my head said, "Its easy, just break it down in three big parts, Beginning, Middle, End". Smart@$! So I'm attempting to do that and just fill in the blanks and create an outline.

It should be fun :)

Days like these

I really don't have much to update and therefore not much to say in terms of our adoption journey. It feels rather odd to have a blog when I have nothing really to blog about.

I woke up this morning with a familiar tightening in my chest, which really doesn't bode well for the rest of my day. Because now I'm trapped at home wary of going anywhere public in fear that I may go into full on anxiety-attack mode and fall apart at the slightest question directed at me.

These don't happen often...about once, twice maybe three times a month. It was worse when I was working, because I didn't have the luxury of staying home like I do now. I'd have to grin and bear it all the while struggling to breathe and counting down the hours till my shift ended.

When I'm like this its hard to look for a distraction. Usually I'll find one in reading a bit of fiction our watching a movie (mostly action - the fast pace action sequences are great for my senses). But typically the distraction doesn't last and I'm back struggling to breathe or find the reason why I'm in the state that I'm in.

I wish I knew what triggered them? Is it hormonal? Probably. Am I making these attacks happen? I don't know.

You'd think that since I'm not working that the anxiety attacks would stop. Yeah, I thought so too, but no.

I don't really want to look for a job, and I feel guilty for thinking that. I try to compensate by attempting to be the best housewife ever, but sometimes I even suck at that. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Its not that I don't want to work, heck if I was getting paid to write movie reviews that would be the BEST. JOB. EVER. I just don't want to work in a customer service setting, and for whatever reason I feel that is all I'm qualified to do. To be completely honest, the thought of having to look for a job freaks the heck out of me. Especially if days like these are happening more frequently.

I know I should probably call my doctor and make an appointment. But this is the same doctor that when I gave her the physical form from the adoption agency she said, "Oh, so you're giving up on trying?"

Thanks.

I don't remember if I actually answered her comment or not.

Its also days like these that I wonder if I should go back into therapy. But I don't think they happen enough to constitute $110 a session.

Its sad that its such a beautiful day outside and yet I don't feel the need to leave my apartment.

Sometimes I wish I was a runner. Because I'd run until my lungs screamed in protest and my legs burned with exhaustion. And maybe, just maybe I'd be able to breathe. I'd be forced to take deep breaths from the overexertion and maybe the deep breaths would subside the sobs I can feel itching to escape.

I wonder sometimes if I get these anxiety attacks because I'm depressed. Its possible. I don't eat much on days like these because I'm not really that hungry. I'll eat some cereal, but that's about it. The rest of the day I'll just drink coffee.

Maybe I am depressed. It seems silly, but after Friday the thing I've been looking forward too since 2007 will be here. 



*sniffs* Post-Potter Depression will commence on Sat 7.16


I know you're rolling your eyes at me. I can feel it, but just give me a chance to explain. We aren't doing IF treatments anymore so the things I look forward to now-a-days are small silly things like trips, movies, Disneyland trips, new Doctor Who episodes, or that coveted phone call from our agency telling us that a birthmother is interested in our profile.

Its the little things I look forward to, as silly and daft as they may be, that make this whole journey of nothing happening bearable. Especially on days I'd rather stay in bed in the safe confines of my apartment.