Days like these

I really don't have much to update and therefore not much to say in terms of our adoption journey. It feels rather odd to have a blog when I have nothing really to blog about.

I woke up this morning with a familiar tightening in my chest, which really doesn't bode well for the rest of my day. Because now I'm trapped at home wary of going anywhere public in fear that I may go into full on anxiety-attack mode and fall apart at the slightest question directed at me.

These don't happen often...about once, twice maybe three times a month. It was worse when I was working, because I didn't have the luxury of staying home like I do now. I'd have to grin and bear it all the while struggling to breathe and counting down the hours till my shift ended.

When I'm like this its hard to look for a distraction. Usually I'll find one in reading a bit of fiction our watching a movie (mostly action - the fast pace action sequences are great for my senses). But typically the distraction doesn't last and I'm back struggling to breathe or find the reason why I'm in the state that I'm in.

I wish I knew what triggered them? Is it hormonal? Probably. Am I making these attacks happen? I don't know.

You'd think that since I'm not working that the anxiety attacks would stop. Yeah, I thought so too, but no.

I don't really want to look for a job, and I feel guilty for thinking that. I try to compensate by attempting to be the best housewife ever, but sometimes I even suck at that. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Its not that I don't want to work, heck if I was getting paid to write movie reviews that would be the BEST. JOB. EVER. I just don't want to work in a customer service setting, and for whatever reason I feel that is all I'm qualified to do. To be completely honest, the thought of having to look for a job freaks the heck out of me. Especially if days like these are happening more frequently.

I know I should probably call my doctor and make an appointment. But this is the same doctor that when I gave her the physical form from the adoption agency she said, "Oh, so you're giving up on trying?"

Thanks.

I don't remember if I actually answered her comment or not.

Its also days like these that I wonder if I should go back into therapy. But I don't think they happen enough to constitute $110 a session.

Its sad that its such a beautiful day outside and yet I don't feel the need to leave my apartment.

Sometimes I wish I was a runner. Because I'd run until my lungs screamed in protest and my legs burned with exhaustion. And maybe, just maybe I'd be able to breathe. I'd be forced to take deep breaths from the overexertion and maybe the deep breaths would subside the sobs I can feel itching to escape.

I wonder sometimes if I get these anxiety attacks because I'm depressed. Its possible. I don't eat much on days like these because I'm not really that hungry. I'll eat some cereal, but that's about it. The rest of the day I'll just drink coffee.

Maybe I am depressed. It seems silly, but after Friday the thing I've been looking forward too since 2007 will be here. 



*sniffs* Post-Potter Depression will commence on Sat 7.16


I know you're rolling your eyes at me. I can feel it, but just give me a chance to explain. We aren't doing IF treatments anymore so the things I look forward to now-a-days are small silly things like trips, movies, Disneyland trips, new Doctor Who episodes, or that coveted phone call from our agency telling us that a birthmother is interested in our profile.

Its the little things I look forward to, as silly and daft as they may be, that make this whole journey of nothing happening bearable. Especially on days I'd rather stay in bed in the safe confines of my apartment.