The Security of a Routine

I have realized over the past couple of weeks that I like having a routine. It might seem boring to others, living by a routine, but I have found that there is a security that a routine provides.

Routines are predictable, you can foresee what you will be doing and that knowledge is comforting because there are no surprises.

I wasn't always like this. I used to like surprises, especially if that "surprise" was of the gift variety.

However, living with infertility and the struggles that come with it, the "surprises" I have endured over the past couple of years haven't been all that forgiving.

SURPRISE!! You have Polycystic Ovaries!

SURPRISE!! You will need fertility drugs to help you conceive!

SURPRISE!! That sharp pain in your abdomen, that's your tube rupturing!

SURPRISE!! Your very last IUI turned out to be a chemical pregnancy!

SURPRISE!! Your adoption match has failed!

I hate surprises. I hate infertility.

Lately for the past month, I've had to fit in a new task in my weekly routine - my new old job. Yes, you read that right - I'm back at my old job. Part of the deal in returning was that I would only work two days a week, Mondays and Wednesdays nights, no morning shifts, and no responsibilities.

So far all the terms have been met, which to my relief and sanity has made for a pleasant working experience. But this week I was asked to come in and work a short shift on Tuesday. I didn't realize that a short detour from my normal routine would throw me off so badly.

All day I felt a familiar tightness in my chest, and I was struggling to catch my breath. It was an anxiety attack, all because my routine got thrown off kilter.

I felt like a bit of an idiot getting all worked up over a wrinkle in my week. It wasn't a major change, I was only coming into work for an hour and a half. Big deal. But, why was I getting so worked up over something so little? Because there was a change to my routine.

I think its because I have found the value in the small routines that I have and the security and stability that they provide me. There are no surprises in them, only a predictability that I find comforting.

However, when it comes to food, I don't like routine, so at least there is some spontaneity in my life.

I'm Not Apathetic. I'm Just Introverted.

We have been waiting for a match from our agency for awhile (since Dec 2010). But since we've been trying to have a baby since Sept 2003, it feels like we have been waiting forever.

This past December we had the opportunity to transfer to another adoption agency (C) as the agency that did our homestudy (B) (our adoption agency (A) is out of state) merged with this agency (C) here in CA.

Because the two agencies merged (B&C), we were technically already a client of C, we just needed to make it official. We were encouraged to attend an information meeting and because we were considered a special case (we had already taken the classes that were required for DIA which were hosted by our out of state agency and they complied with our state's requirements; and our homestudy was completed) all that was needed of us was to attend the last of their 4 workshops. This last one was on Making a Profile and the different options of Networking your own adoption.

Our social worker tried to break it to me gently that they already have 43 waiting families and if we wanted to expediate our wait we could hire an attorney or facilitator. I was glad I was on the phone, because even then, I had to school my features and think hard about what I was going to say.

The truth is, I'm not desperate to become a parent. Of course, I want to be a parent, but I'm not desperate. There is an ache that I have in my chest that I'm not yet a mom, but the ache is dull, not sharp and piercing as it once was when we were 3 years into our IF journey, not having a clue of where we should go, or what options we had available.

But how do you convey this to your adoption social worker, without seeming insensitive and apathetic? Well, you are careful with your words and mindful of your tone. I was honest, and I told her that we are not desperate. We are doing what we feel God wants us to do, in our next steps of building our family, in the time He wants us to do it. Its not in our budget to hire an attorney. We will be fine waiting.

She seemed happy with my response and didn't think I sounded apathetic at all. Good.

~~~~

We went to the Making the Profile and Networking workshop on Monday . The profile seems fairly straight forward, and doesn't look too hard to make. There is no set pattern to making it, just that we have a recent picture in the front, and that we be ourselves in telling our story.

The networking part of the workshop got me slightly discouraged. The introvert in me panicked at getting myself out there and basically telling the world (or the internet) that we are adopting. I'm not ashamed of our adoption (far from it!) and I have told EVERYONE that is how we are building our family. But making business cards? Posting ads on Google and Facebook about our interest in adopting seemed a little too...out there for me.

The whole time they were playing this You.Tube video of this Adoption Advisor, I kept wondering, 'where is the line being drawn between networking and desperation?'

But my introverted nature was saved when, at the end of the video, the guy said, "Network through outlets that are comfortable for you."

So I think we well do the hardcopy profile (as required) and make a website, so we can link it to agency C's website. Michael also wants to do a video to post on the website. We just have to figure out what we want to say in the video.

It's not that I don't care at all about this, and its not that I don't want to do the extra work. I know it needs to be done, just don't mistake my lack of enthusiam as apathy. I'm just introverted, and extremely cautious.

Boxed In

I have been going back and forth between angry and weepy. Last week I had a bit of a breakthrough talking to Michael about it. I think I said before that its not so much wanting to know 'Why?' as much as 'What was the point?'.

I think deep down I know what the point of all this was, though its quite personal and I won't share it here. It did help me feel a bit better, if only just a bit.

I started feeling better and so I left the apartment for the first time in two weeks, of my own volition, to go work out. I had realized that I hadn't left the apartment unless someone was 'making' me. I made the excuse of staying home because we are moving into a new apartment and someone has to pack our junk stuff.

Well it felt weird leaving the security of my home, but it was time to get out. I was okay. I worked out, talked to my former co-workers, visited for a while and then headed to Star.bucks. The barista knows me, and so she cheerfully said, "Hi, I haven't seen you in ages, where have you been?" To which I said, "Yeah, its the first time I've been out in two weeks."

Crap, why did I have to open my mouth.

She asked me what happened and then I start to tell her about the adoption and how it fell apart and that is when I started crying right there in my favourite place. She was really sweet about it. She came around from behind the counter and stood next to me while I told her the shorten version of the story. She gave me a hug and my drink and scone were on the house. I started crying again when I realized she wouldn't take my card.

I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I cried...in public...and got a free drink and scone because I cried.

Really, I'm just so tired of grieving. I know its necessary that I do, especially in this instance, but honestly I'm so tired that I have to do it again. I just want to move on and put this behind me.

Anyway, to help me move on, I bought a gift box today to put all the things I had bought for the baby that we aren't going to be using anytime soon. Its nothing much, just some clothes, bibs, and a book. I put the folder from our Baby Care Basics class in there too as well as the ultrasound pic in the book (I couldn't throw it away, that seemed way too harsh).

Also, I got shipping labels to send back the car seat and pack n' play, which I would like to send back this weekend. My mom gets back from TN tomorrow and Monday she wants to do something so hopefully we can fit in going to B r Us to send back the stuff we both bought and then I get my closet back.

I almost didn't leave the house again today. I started crying at random things (well not so random, just the usual baby News Feed on FB).

The interesting thing is the anxiety hasn't returned, but since I'm having trouble leaving the apartment its possible it's already here and I'm just now realizing it.

ETA: All baby stuff has left the building. I got cash from the stuff I returned from B r Us and put it directly on my Star.bucks card (it felt fitting to go there.)

Invisibility Cloak

If you haven't figured out by now I'm a huge Harry Potter fan (shhh, don't tell my my mom, really if you know her don't tell her). One of the things I love about HP, besides the story, the characters, and the entire world JK Rowling has created, are the little bits of magical items associated with the world of Harry Potter.

I love Harry's Invisibility Cloak. It had once belonged to his father, James. In Book 1 Harry receives it as a Christmas gift from Dumbledore with a note that instructs Harry 'to use it well'. Throughout the series, Harry takes Dumbledore on that offer (sneaking out of bed after curfew (book 1 & 2), sneaking into Hogsmeade (book 3), eventually using it for protection (book 6) while on the run (book 7)). I think one of my favorite times that he uses the Cloak is in Book 4.  Its for something really simple, and understated. He uses it simply because he doesn't want to be noticed.

I know Invisibility Cloaks are not real. There are some days I wish they were real because I'd love to have one. Just to have one so I can go about my day unnoticed by people.

I don't know what that says about me. Maybe because there are some days that I just don't wish to be noticed or seen. Because if I'm not seen, I don't have to answer questions about how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. And if people don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, they won't judge me.

This all sounds really depressing. I know, but it was something that I was thinking about. I don't feel like this all the time. Generally I like being around people, but mostly as a silent observer and not really a vocal participant. I think it also depends on my mood and what kind of group setting I'm in. I realize that I deal really well one on one or a small group setting. Large groups still kind of freak me out.

I'm just having a hard time with the waiting. I think I'll always have a hard time with it. I think its affecting me more because of the pregnant women I see every week at church. Hence, the need for an Invisibility Cloak. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for them. Its not their fault I can't get pregnant.

I just wonder when will it ever be my turn. When am I going to be a mom? Will I ever get the opportunity? Am I meant to be one? Or is this adoption just something that we are supposed to do as part of our journey like with the IF treatments? IF treatments didn't result in a child for us, and I don't know if this adoption will either. I hope it will, but I don't know if it will.

And the thing is, the ache will still be there once their babies come and I'll still be waiting...

So Harry Potter, Happy Birthday. And if you aren't using your Invisibility Cloak on an Auror mission, I'd really like to borrow it.

Days like these

I really don't have much to update and therefore not much to say in terms of our adoption journey. It feels rather odd to have a blog when I have nothing really to blog about.

I woke up this morning with a familiar tightening in my chest, which really doesn't bode well for the rest of my day. Because now I'm trapped at home wary of going anywhere public in fear that I may go into full on anxiety-attack mode and fall apart at the slightest question directed at me.

These don't happen often...about once, twice maybe three times a month. It was worse when I was working, because I didn't have the luxury of staying home like I do now. I'd have to grin and bear it all the while struggling to breathe and counting down the hours till my shift ended.

When I'm like this its hard to look for a distraction. Usually I'll find one in reading a bit of fiction our watching a movie (mostly action - the fast pace action sequences are great for my senses). But typically the distraction doesn't last and I'm back struggling to breathe or find the reason why I'm in the state that I'm in.

I wish I knew what triggered them? Is it hormonal? Probably. Am I making these attacks happen? I don't know.

You'd think that since I'm not working that the anxiety attacks would stop. Yeah, I thought so too, but no.

I don't really want to look for a job, and I feel guilty for thinking that. I try to compensate by attempting to be the best housewife ever, but sometimes I even suck at that. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Its not that I don't want to work, heck if I was getting paid to write movie reviews that would be the BEST. JOB. EVER. I just don't want to work in a customer service setting, and for whatever reason I feel that is all I'm qualified to do. To be completely honest, the thought of having to look for a job freaks the heck out of me. Especially if days like these are happening more frequently.

I know I should probably call my doctor and make an appointment. But this is the same doctor that when I gave her the physical form from the adoption agency she said, "Oh, so you're giving up on trying?"

Thanks.

I don't remember if I actually answered her comment or not.

Its also days like these that I wonder if I should go back into therapy. But I don't think they happen enough to constitute $110 a session.

Its sad that its such a beautiful day outside and yet I don't feel the need to leave my apartment.

Sometimes I wish I was a runner. Because I'd run until my lungs screamed in protest and my legs burned with exhaustion. And maybe, just maybe I'd be able to breathe. I'd be forced to take deep breaths from the overexertion and maybe the deep breaths would subside the sobs I can feel itching to escape.

I wonder sometimes if I get these anxiety attacks because I'm depressed. Its possible. I don't eat much on days like these because I'm not really that hungry. I'll eat some cereal, but that's about it. The rest of the day I'll just drink coffee.

Maybe I am depressed. It seems silly, but after Friday the thing I've been looking forward too since 2007 will be here. 



*sniffs* Post-Potter Depression will commence on Sat 7.16


I know you're rolling your eyes at me. I can feel it, but just give me a chance to explain. We aren't doing IF treatments anymore so the things I look forward to now-a-days are small silly things like trips, movies, Disneyland trips, new Doctor Who episodes, or that coveted phone call from our agency telling us that a birthmother is interested in our profile.

Its the little things I look forward to, as silly and daft as they may be, that make this whole journey of nothing happening bearable. Especially on days I'd rather stay in bed in the safe confines of my apartment.

Its Been a Month

Its been a little over a month since I had been laid off from my job. I have to say that I'm actually doing pretty well.

I'm not going to lie, the first two weeks were pretty awkward and I was still trying not to overanalyse why I had been laid off.

But now a month later, I'm actually quite relieved and a little more settled into my current unemployment status. The way I see it, my boss actually did me a favour.

I no longer dread having to get up out of bed to face people and their nosy questions. I can go to my former place of work to just workout and not be forced to talk about me.

At the beginning of June, Michael and I had planned to go to Columbus, OH to attend a convention. Well, technically he was attending the convention I was going for moral support. I was a little nervous about going, more so because of my unemployment status. There would be people there that I hadn't seen in a while and others that I would be meeting for the first time.  I didn't really fancy answering the question, "So Jonelle, what do you do?" or the other question we all love to hear "Do you have children".

Aside from getting stranded overnight in Dallas with no fresh set of clothes or toiletries, and having my luggage missing for a couple of hours without anyone at A.mer.ican Air.lines.helping us to recover it, (I will never check a bag in or fly with A.me.ric.an Air.lines ever again) our time in Columbus wasn't half bad...except on the day of the Reunion dinner.

Every year at convention they have a Reunion dinner for the graduates of the college associated with our denomination. For some reason my anxiety was so high I couldn't breathe. I was fearing all kinds of things mostly questions being thrust at me by people I didn't know. Like the "kids question", the "what do you do, Jonelle" question, all of which are safe questions, but not for me.

I could feel the beginnings of a freakout coming on as people I didn't know were arriving in the restaurant.  A handful of people I did know where sitting elsewhere and all the unknowns seemed to gravitate to us.  I tried to calm myself down by reading the dessert menu, which only seemed to make me hungrier.

I did made it to the bathroom before the freakout surfaced and I exploded into tears. I was there in the stall trying to calm myself down, taking deep breaths, and trying to picture myself at my happy place - Disneyland, (which is hard to do when there is Italian music playing the background).

Lucky for us a couple we did know sat in front of us. She and her boyfriend had no idea how much at ease their presence was to us...well to me.

Since being laid off I've decided to focus a good portion of my time to writing. Some of that writing hasn't included my blog (so sorry). Mostly because there are certain topics that I want to write about that I can't include on here and other mini projects that I've started and need to finish before starting a new project. I've decided that if I'm going to seriously focus on my writing I can't be sharing a laptop with Michael, so I'm getting my own laptop. YAY!!!