Awkward Moments Strike Again

It's times like these that I feel compelled to wear a sign that says,

"No, I don't have kids. Yes, I want them, but after 9 years of trying, I haven't been able to have them, so I got cats instead."

I actually said this to someone upon being asked, "So when are you going to have babies?"

It was only my third day back at my old job (yes, you read that right. I'm filling in for my old boss while she is on vacation.), and I already had the Dreaded Question directed at me twice in one shift.

*sigh* WTFrick?

I sometimes wish I was quick enough to say, "beep! I'm sorry the quota of personal questions has been filled. To proceed further, either find a new topic of conversation, or pay a personal question fee of $50 dollars. Starbucks cards are also accepted."

Or I can skip the warning altogether and go directly to the personal question fee. I should charge a personal question fee.

After I said that to her, she didn't look me in the face. I guess I was too honest for her liking, but really, she had it coming. She only had herself to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard her, I bet you would have done the same.

I work again tonight. I'm hoping my Sheild of Sarcasm and wrist cuffs of Snark will repell any incoming jabs at me.

An Apology to My Readers

I haven't been a good blogger. Mostly because there really isn't anything to post about because nothing, and I mean nothing has been happening.

We switched agencies, but I haven't had the time to make a profile yet (which is on me and no one's fault). Haven't heard anything from the other agency, which isn't so unusual.

I feel like the only thing happening right now is a constant trigger of sadness and anger. It comes and goes in waves. Some days, weeks I'm fine, and then it all seems to hit me all at once and I'm a crying, blubbering mess.

Its been nearly a year since the failed match and you'd think I'd be over it. I know I can't put a timeline on grief, but I feel like I should be able to.

There are so many thoughts running around in my head, which makes it hard to post things. Also, I feel like whatever I post is about me being angry, feeling forgotten, and not being able to control outcomes.

So an update:

We're still infertile.

We are not trying.

We are still waiting to hear about another match.

People around us are having babies, or being matched with one.


I see the pointlessness of me being angry about something that I have no control over. I understand that being angry doesn't get me anywhere, and overall directing my anger at God is exhausting. I'm just so tired of the struggle, of the work it has taken to try to achieve parenthood.

Its close to 9 years trying to have children and I'm so tired. When will our turn come? Will it ever come?

This is what has been going on with me, and what has been consuming my thoughts.

ETA: I'm not angry at a particular person. If I'm angry at anyone, it's myself (which is a whole different post).