Why I Want to Adopt

On Saturday afternoon I opened my email to find that our application was approved at the adoption agency we applied to. I was excited and relieved that our application had been approved. I realize that we still have to have a homestudy completed and submitted and we still have to be matched. But interestingly enough the big hurdle for me was the inital application. Yes, this is how my brain works.

In the email there were some documents attached informing us that we have to make what they call a 'Life Book'. Basically its a photo album, autobiography of us, and Dear Birth Parents' letter all in one. Once a birthmother selects us, she keeps our Life Book.

One of the things we must include is why we desire to adopt a child. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that surely I have thought about why we want to adopt. And I have, but reading it back it seems like a selfish reason.

The reason I want to adopt is plain and simple, I want to be a mother. I want to love and nuture another human being. I want to be a family to a baby that needs a family.

Still, those reasons don't seem good enough, do they? Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I being selfish?

I know that choosing adoption isn't the easiest choice for any couple. When we made the decision to adopt it wasn't made lightly. I knew I still had some unresolved grief toward my IF and we've been in counselling to help me resolve those issues. I wanted to make sure that I had grieved my dream childern before moving forward with adoption. I wanted to make certain that we were adopting because it was what we were lead to do, not because it was the most logical next step in building our family.

In a way it is the next logical step, but I didn't want to adopt just for the sake of adopting. I truly believe, right now, adoption chose us. Maybe that is why its hard for me to answer a simple question.

I remember when Michael and I had been ttc for about a year. We were living in Oxford at the time and our friends A and R had just had their baby. He was a little guy, about 6 weeks old and R was making sure everyone got to hold him. (This was when holding other people's babies was fun.) I hadn't held him yet, so she handed him to me. I held him for about 2 hours and he slept the entire time.

I remember thinking how small and fragile this little life was in my arms and he was totally dependent on me. Even though I didn't give birth to him, there was this automatic need to watch over him and make sure he was okay, and there was such a peace about it. That is when it clicked for me that I would be okay with adoption (that and a few months of counselling, 6 years later).

I just want to be a mother. Is that a good enough reason?

If anyone is reading this entry and is in the process of adopting or has already adopted, can you please share in the comments with me why you chose to adopt?

Babies: An Education...or lack thereof

I just realized something funny, yet tragic yesterday. In the 6 1/2 years that I've wanted a baby I really don't know anything about them. *facepalm* I know the basics. I know that they are tiny, and need to be fed, burped, changed and loved. I know they wake up every two to three hours to be fed, burped, changed and loved. But I really don't know enough about them to be comfortable and alone with one.

*headdesk* How did I let this happen?

Well, I think part of it happened when I assumed that it wouldn't take 6 years for us to have a baby. I think I wanted to learn blindly like all new parents do by cramming as much info about how to take care of a baby in 40 weeks or less.

The other part I think happened because after a while I didn't feel the need to educate myself about babies. What was the point? I don't have one, and I'm not even remotely close to having one so why occupy my time with information I won't be currently using?

This lack of education I used as an excuse to further distance myself from other women with children. Mostly because over the years, I've been conditioned by my infertility to think that I am different from them. They have children and I don't. They know what to do with a screaming child and I don't. They are mothers, and I am not.

Yesterday I was walking home from work and I jumped on the wrong train of thought...again. I'm not good enough to be a mom, because I don't know anything about babies. Maybe that's why I can't hold on to a pregnancy, or get pregnant again. I was on the verge of tears when suddenly a voice in my head, (that sounded an awful lot like Michael), broke in the conversation and said,

"Well then, you know what to do when you want to learn something about something you EDUCATE YOURSELF. Go buy a book about babies...and adoption while you're there."

A book, duh, such a simple solution to my problem. So my mission this weekend is to find that 700+ page baby book by Dr William Sears, and educate myself about babies and hopefully while I'm there I'll find a book about domestic infant adoption too.

I know a book isn't going tell me everything I need to know about babies, but I'll feel a little bit better knowing what to do with a baby besides knowing that they are tiny, and need to fed, burped, changed and loved.

Why holding babies isn't fun anymore

Its interesting how many of these thoughts occur to me after a harmless encounter at church. While Michael and I were greeting, someone near us was holding their baby. That person had to be on stage to help with worship and was quickly looking around for someone to hold her. I started to go in panic attack mode and internally chanting "Please don't hand her to me. Please don't hand her to me." And they didn't. Whew.

I'm not really sure why something so tender and precious as holding a baby would bring me to tears, but it does. Maybe because in my heart of hearts I know that the baby being handed to me isn't mine and after about 20 minutes or so I'll have to give the child back to his parents. And my arms will once again be empty.

I wasn't always like this. When I was 18 maybe 20 I liked holding babies. Mostly when the gesture was offered by new proud parents. Newborns made me a little nervous because they were so tiny and fragile, but once they were about 3 months or so I wanted to hold them and even jumped at the chance.

The last time I enjoyed holding a baby was about 6 years ago when the concept of trying for our own was still fresh and exciting. Because it was only a matter of time before I'd be holding our baby.

As the years passed, and the excitement of trying got to be...trying, I started to realize that holding other people's babies wasn't fun anymore. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for my friends new additions, but I was sad for us. At first it was just another reminder of what we didn't yet have. Eventually it became a reminder of what we had lost.

Two years ago, I was asked if I wanted to hold a baby. It had been 6 months after the ectopic and the loss of our first child was still so fresh in my mind. This person had no idea they were ripping my heart out by asking a simple question.

I said no.

I know what your thinking. Who in their right mind would say no to holding a baby? Well, I do apparently. I felt guilty for saying no and hurting this person's feelings, so I held out my shaky arms. Poor baby was so uncomfortable, and so was I.

Michael asked me how I would feel about our future adopted child being handed to me to hold. Would the pain of our losses prevent me from enjoying holding him/her? I thought about it and instantly said No. Because the joy of our new child would outweigh the pain, (not replace it) just outweigh the pain. I'm sure I would still cry, but the tears would be joyful.

One day holding a baby will be fun again. I just hope the next baby I hold will be ours, so I'm saving my arms and my heart for our baby.