Last Sunday I wasn't having a good day, and it started with a negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to take one. All pregnancy tests hate me. Its true. I've been pregnant twice and not once have I seen a positive pregnacny test. How is that possible?
I wonder if there exists out there in the world a certain small percentage of woman who are in fact pregnant, but never see a positive pregnancy test...probably not.
Seriously, its 2010 surely they can come up with a home pregnancy test that can test your blood. Okay maybe that is a bit morbid, but surely a blood test is a bit more accurate than a urine test.
Anyway because of my ectopic pregnancy history my RE advised me that if my cycles exceed 35 days that I am to take a pregnancy test. Well I did and it was negative.
On top of the negative pregnancy test, I still hadn't heard from the adoption agency (even though I was assured I'd get a phone call within a week of our application being approved. It was approved over a month ago). I wasn't getting anywhere with any of the agencies here to find out about home studies. Only one returned my call and that was highlight of that week. Even the County was not helpful as the woman on the other end seemed to have no clue what I was talking about.
I had decided to put on my big girl pants and send an email to the adoption agency to check in with them and find out if they had called and we had somehow missed it. Waiting for a response was the worst.
Last Sunday I was at my wit's end. I was so discouraged. I kept feeling like I was the one who was forcing doors to open when maybe they weren't supposed to opening at all.
I was crushed that I saw yet another negative pregnancy test. I knew better than to think that it would be positive. I knew better than to hope that by some miracle I would be pregnant. I felt once again like a failure. And I wanted to cry. Nothing was coming out, but I could feel something was coming and it wasn't going to be pretty.
I tried to cheer myself up with a funny movie so I watched "Galaxy Quest". It kept me amused and my mind occupied for 110 minutes. But when Michael asked me how I was doing, I broke down.
...and shoved four Mini 3 Musketeers bars and 1 Twix into my mouth in a matter of 10 seconds. Michael wasn't fast enough to stop me. I ran to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed and silently cried. (The mouthful of chocolate was preventing me from properly crying.)
What were we doing? Was adoption the right thing to do? Was it really the next step in our journey? Nothing was even happening and we were still in the beginning stages. It felt like IF treatments all over again. Waiting for something to happen, and being disappointed at it not happening at all. I felt I wasn't even being given the chance.
After many deep breaths, properly crying and voicing to Michael my frustration and disappointment at the negative pee stick, I felt better. I made him hold me really tightly.
That night I prayed and asked God to please give us some direction, show us if adoption was what we were supposed to do. I asked Him if it wasn't, there was still time to close the door. I asked him if adoption is what we are supposed to do please show us favor, and help us during this process.
And God heard me.
The next day I got a phone call from the adoption agency and later on in the week an email from them apologizing for their delay. The lady was very nice and answered all the questions I had in regards to my LifeBook, which is almost done. I just need to add a few more pictures and add a little more commentary and its ready to send.
Michael and I picked an agency here to do the Homestudy and training, so that part is all set too. I just have to call and set up an appointment.
Things are slowly starting to pick up. I know we still have a long way to go in our adoption journey, but at least we are moving at a fair pace. For a moment it felt like things were stopping before they had started with no definitive yes or no answer.
Anyway, I have a busy week ahead of me.
P.S. I still haven't started and I'm really bummed. I kind of liked having my cycles come regularly. Made me feel somewhat normal. I probably should take another test, but *sigh* I really don't want to. I also don't want another ectopic, so I guess I should take another test.
Moomins
19 hours ago
