Even Jesus was Sarcastic or Is Honesty Really the Best Policy

These past couple of weeks I've been doing something that I normally wouldn't dream of doing...

cue the music...

I've been honest with people about our infertility. Its something new I've been doing since outing myself in April and finally deciding on an adoption agency.

There have been ample opportunities to do this, preferably two Sundays ago when Michael and I went to my old church to hear my former pastor speak. It was a weird day. Almost everyone from my old youth group was there and it was nice to see everyone grown up, married and with kids.

Naturally we got the kids question, which we answered, "Not yet, but we are in the process of adopting and we are excited about where the process takes us."

I was surprised that I was genuinely excited when we told people about us adopting. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm also very guarded about it. There is still a possibility that this won't work out, so I'm guarding my heart, but that doesn't mean I'm not excited that we are adopting.

Of course with this entire honesty thing one is bound to receive some crap not so nice comments from people. One came before I was even able to answer a question. The "Any kids" question a.k.a "The Dreaded Question" came from someone that was in my youth group who was a few years older than me. Before I could even answer the question he stepped over the line when he added, "What, you don't want kids?"

All this while staring at my chest...in church...right in front of my husband.

So not only am I uncomfortable with the question, I’ve also been put on the spot by someone I haven’t seen in over 15 years. So I gathered my courage, and quickly scrambled through my catalogue of snarky comebacks because at this moment I've pretty much rationalized that Jesus was sarcastic too (read the Gospels), so it’s okay. Jesus understands and He loves me.

Here is what I would have liked to have said: "What about you? Are you married? What, you don't want to get married? Was that question inappropriate? Can you please direct your question a little higher?"

Instead I said this: No we don't have kids. (honesty) We want kids, we just haven't been able to have them. (more information than is actually necessary) Right now we are in the process of adoption and we are excited. (does that answer your question, jerk)

I probably said more than what was necessary, but really who goes from asking if you have kids to assuming that you don't want any? Obviously people I haven't seen in over 15 years. After that I left before he actually said anything else to me. I heard later on that morning he came up to my mom and commented on how different her hair looked.

G: Your hair looks thinner, and shorter. Was it always like that?

Mom: Well the texture of hair changes when you have cancer and have to go through chemo. Often times it grows back thinner. What's your excuse?

YES! Oh how I wish I was there to have heard that conversation.

Everyone else was really great about hearing our adoption news. They were encouraging and excited for us. We had many people tell us that they will keep us in their prayers.

I also had the opportunity to share with one of my other old friends about our struggles with infertility, our losses and deciding not to try anymore.

It was very refreshing to be honest with someone and not feel shameful about our IF struggles, but talk about it freely with her. I surprised myself that I was so open with her, because we all know that I'm a bit out of practice in the art of opening up. But I felt she was a safe person and it was only her, not 20 people at once.

I stepped back and realized that had this been two years ago, or even a year ago, I would have dreaded going to my old church and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. I would have anticipated the kids question to the point of being on the brink of a panic attack. I would have driven myself crazy figuring out how to respond to each question, and over analyzing every encounter with these people.

Two years ago around this time, Michael and I went to a wedding of one of my old friends and there were some people in attendance that I had grown up with but hadn't seen in years. We didn't get the kids question that day, but it had only been 4 months out since the ectopic, and the outing was enough to dissolve me into tears seeing all my old friends I had grown up with, with kids of their own. I distinctly remember struggling to breathe during the reception.

A year ago at this time Michael and I were awaiting the results of our 4th and final IUI. Had we received an invitation to go to my old church, I don't even think we would have gone. If we had gone and received the kids question I would have just said, "No" and maybe a "Not yet". We would not have been upfront with anyone of our attempts to have children, much less talk about our losses or our IF struggles. I most likely would not have engaged in any conversations with anyone besides the usual small talk, but nothing in-depth.

To sum it up, there would have been lots of awkward silences trying to talk to me and the conversation wouldn't have been at all enlightening.

I guess you could say we have grown in the last year. We are a lot more honest with people when the Dreaded Question comes up. We usually don't include the "haven't been able to have them" part unless it is implied that we don't want kids. We just jump right into the "but we are adopting" and we make sure to say it with the proper enthusiam it deserves.

So I guess honesty is the best policy, but just remember that if I get asked the wrong question I will exercise my right to give a sarcastic answer.

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Since turning 33 this past Tuesday (thank you all for the lovely birthday wishes), it seems to have opened the flood gates to inappropriate questions. Well maybe not so much inappropriate as intruding questions.

People hear '33' and they seem to think that its okay to now have that 'talk' with me about it being time for me to settle down and have kids.

Yes, like I haven't thought of that too.

My hairdresser was the first one this week. "When are you going to have kids? You know, its time to start thinking about it."

I had only a split second to think about whether or not I should be honest with her and tell her we are infertile or just let it slide. The last time I let it slide I was called a 'Woman of Leisure' in which the questioners wrongfully assumed that I didn't want kids. The end result was not pretty, as I was on the verge of tears and practically yelling at them that I did in fact want kids, we were just was unable to have them.

I decided to be completely honest with her. Her face fell, she seemed genuinely sorry that she had asked. I think she was searching for something comforting to say, the end result was, "enjoy your life and the time you have with your husband." She should have stopped after that, but instead she proceeded to tell me how difficult it was raising four children. Thanks...I think.

The next one was yesterday with a new member. I was training her on the machines and like all new people they want to chat, so what is the question she asks me, "Any children?"

Crap!!!

"No"

"Do you want kids?"

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

And there it was again, the internal conflict of choosing to be honest or choosing to cower in my own secrecy of IF. I choose honesty, and for the worse reason yet. I wanted her to feel bad asking a young infertile woman the one question she hates to hear and answer. I wanted to strip away the assumption that just because a woman looks of child-bearing age, doesn't mean she can bear children. I wanted her to think twice about ever opening with that line of questioning...ever again.

So I said, "We want kids, we're just not able to have them."

Of course what I really wanted to say was,  Thank you, for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it. (Thanks Miracle Max).

I know honesty is the best thing in dealing with people and their annoying questions, its just so exhausting. Every time I 'out myself' to these people, anxiety soon follows. I can feel my heart start to beat faster and faster against my ribcage. I can feel the tears threatening to come from behind my eyes, followed by the painful lump in my throat, as I try to be strong and come clean about my inability to have children.

I swear the next person that asks me the 'kids' question, I'll be sure to accompany my honest answer with some tears.

On a happy note, I'm excited that we finally picked an adoption agency. I spent my birthday night rewriting the application and deciding which picture to send with it. I choose this one.

Its the professional one the Disney Photoman took with his camera. The one he took on my camera was awful. I think they do that on purpose so you have to buy the pictures they take.

Anyway, I'm glad that we took that step of faith. We will see what happens and what God has in store for us.

Have a great weekend, everyone :)

Outing Myself

*****But first an apology*****

I know it's ICLW week, but lately I've been completely blank on anything to post. I'll write something that sounds like an interesting topic to post. I'll read it back and it ends up being complete rubbish. So I'm sorry to all the people from ICLW who have only had my greeting to read.

Now back to topic.

In light of National Infertility Awareness Week April 24-May 1 I decided that I would 'out' myself to my Facebook Friends about our infertility. I was encouraged to do so by Busted Kate of Busted Plumbing, who did this very brave thing on FB yesterday.

At first I was very apprehensive and couldn't see the good in doing so. Are you mad? I don't want to open myself up to MORE insensitive comments, MORE useless platitudes, MORE unhelpful advice. NO Thank you.

But the more I got to thinking about it. If I didn't out myself about our IF the perpetual cycle of insensitive comments, useless platitudes and unhelpful advice would continue to find me. At least by doing this one simple thing I can educate and inform.

I fretted about it for a few hours until I decided to just do it. But first I needed to make sure it would be okay with Michael. As this outing would be our outing not just mine. He told me to do it. I was scared to do this, but still determined.

Here is what I put as my status yesterday:

April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness week. This week, I am not hiding the fact that we suffer from infertility. It has been a part of our lives for more than 6 years. Please don't tell us to relax. Please don't tell us there is a reason. Please don't tell us everything works in God's time. Instead, just say you're praying for us.

And I waited to see what being honest would do to me. I felt liberated...and slightly nauseous. What if this backfired on me? But nothing bad happened.

All the comments I've received have been great and supportive. One I got from my old pastor thanked me for being real. I thought that was the best one, because I'm not very real on FB, and putting this as my status was as real as I've ever gotten.

The absolute best was when I went on FB this morning and Michael put it on his status too. I really love that man of mine.