Invisibility Cloak

If you haven't figured out by now I'm a huge Harry Potter fan (shhh, don't tell my my mom, really if you know her don't tell her). One of the things I love about HP, besides the story, the characters, and the entire world JK Rowling has created, are the little bits of magical items associated with the world of Harry Potter.

I love Harry's Invisibility Cloak. It had once belonged to his father, James. In Book 1 Harry receives it as a Christmas gift from Dumbledore with a note that instructs Harry 'to use it well'. Throughout the series, Harry takes Dumbledore on that offer (sneaking out of bed after curfew (book 1 & 2), sneaking into Hogsmeade (book 3), eventually using it for protection (book 6) while on the run (book 7)). I think one of my favorite times that he uses the Cloak is in Book 4.  Its for something really simple, and understated. He uses it simply because he doesn't want to be noticed.

I know Invisibility Cloaks are not real. There are some days I wish they were real because I'd love to have one. Just to have one so I can go about my day unnoticed by people.

I don't know what that says about me. Maybe because there are some days that I just don't wish to be noticed or seen. Because if I'm not seen, I don't have to answer questions about how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. And if people don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, they won't judge me.

This all sounds really depressing. I know, but it was something that I was thinking about. I don't feel like this all the time. Generally I like being around people, but mostly as a silent observer and not really a vocal participant. I think it also depends on my mood and what kind of group setting I'm in. I realize that I deal really well one on one or a small group setting. Large groups still kind of freak me out.

I'm just having a hard time with the waiting. I think I'll always have a hard time with it. I think its affecting me more because of the pregnant women I see every week at church. Hence, the need for an Invisibility Cloak. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for them. Its not their fault I can't get pregnant.

I just wonder when will it ever be my turn. When am I going to be a mom? Will I ever get the opportunity? Am I meant to be one? Or is this adoption just something that we are supposed to do as part of our journey like with the IF treatments? IF treatments didn't result in a child for us, and I don't know if this adoption will either. I hope it will, but I don't know if it will.

And the thing is, the ache will still be there once their babies come and I'll still be waiting...

So Harry Potter, Happy Birthday. And if you aren't using your Invisibility Cloak on an Auror mission, I'd really like to borrow it.

Jumping the Shark

If you don't know what this term means then you either don't watch tv or you were born after 1985. It refers to when in a tv show, whether it be an hour long drama, or a half-hour tv sitcom, makes a desperate attempt and often absurd execution in their season plot line that virtually renders the show unwatchable. In other words, its television suicide.

In my opinion, this usually happens more commonly in half-hour sitcoms when one of the main characters (in many cases the 'mom') gets pregnant.

I remember when Elyse Keaton on Family Ties got pregnant and after she had the baby the show was okay, but it wasn't the same. The family dynamic changed not only between Steven and Elyse, but also the three siblings (Alex, Mallory and Jennifer) to accomdate Andrew (who seemed to age 5 years in one season).

I remember when I was a kid not liking it when sitcoms would do that. The same thing happened on Growing Pains, again changing the dynamic of the show between the characters. I don't think I watched it after that.

Even on Friends, when Rachel got pregnant I didn't like it, but I watched the rest of the season and the show until it wrapped for good in 2004. That season just happened to be the funniest season Friends had since season 6 (in my honest opinion).

I'm about to say something controversial on here, and some of you might not like it. But I wouldn't be accurately expressing myself if I didn't voice it.

There is a genuine joy and yet a constant fear that I have at the prospect of a baby entering our family of two dynamic.

Its been just the two of us for more than 10 years. Its something that I've been used to for all our married life, and to be quite honest those years have been beyond wonderful, dynamic to be exact.

I love having Michael all to myself. I'm grateful that we can still have 'Date Night'. We can go to Disneyland at a moments noice (or when our passes allow). Go to the movies every weekend in the summer. Stay up late, and sleep in. *sighs* All these things sound so stupid and petty, but its what I'm used to and what I'm comfortable with.

Its these things that I savour to keep me sane and prevent me from wallowing in self-pity.

I'm grateful for a freedom we have that most of our friends don't seem to have anymore now that they have children.

I think a part of me is scared of losing that freedom, of having to share Michael with someone else.

Overall, I guess I just want some reassurance that when the dynamics do change, I'll be up to scratch.

Adoption is a Quick Easy Fix for Infertility a.k.a Just Adopt if you Can’t Have Children

Infertility Myth: Adoption is a Quick Easy Fix for Infertility a.k.a Just Adopt if you can’t have children.

 This one, at least to me, seems like an obvious busted myth. Who in their right mind would think that adoption is an easy fix for an infertile couple? However, I know there are people out there that think that adoption is much easier than getting pregnant on one's own. This week, April 24th - April 30th is National Infertility Awareness Week, a week Resolve.org sets aside to educate the public about the pain of Infertility. This year Resolve.org has encouraged infertility bloggers to "Bust an Infertility Myth".

I took it upon myself to set things straight to those individuals who think those of us who have chosen to pursue domestic infant adoption after infertility have it "easy".

A little history. When we realized that trying to have a baby naturally wouldn't be easy, we took the appropriate steps needed to ensure that we tried all the options available to us. After two miscarriages, two years of failed infertility treatments and the financial and emotional exhaustion of treatment, we made the final decision to stop all treatment and any other pursuits to try to get pregnant naturally. That decision didn't come easy by any means.

We decided that domestic infant adoption would be the next step in building our family. But deciding to adopt, and being emotionally ready to take those steps to make it happen were much harder than we anticipated.

I don't think many people realize that after years of trying to get pregnant and not being able to, adoption isn't the quick easy fix. Because to them, when a couple adopts they don't have to deal with weight gain, morning sickness, swollen ankles, muscles stretching, pelvic bones dislocating, stretch marks and other things associated with being pregnant. According to them the adopting couple just gets a baby.

They often don't understand that coming to the decision to adopt, means having to resolve the issues infertility has already created in the infertile couple- grief, loss, shame, inadequacy, insecurity. Not to mention that we, the infertile couple, must mourn the dream of having our own children and the experiences that come with it.

Mourning a dream isn't easy, but I do feel it is necessary if adoption is to be pursued.

Who wants to carry around those things with them when they adopt? I know I didn't, so we made the decision to go into grief counseling to help us not only be emotionally ready for adoption but also to help us live.

I remember the thought of having to endure a home study had scared me to death. What if the social worker didn't think we were emotionally ready for adoption? What if our infertility history prevented us from being approved? What if he/she didn't think adoption was a good fit for us?

I didn't have anything to worry about. Our social worker was very pleased that we had taken the steps to become emotionally ready not only in our preparation for adoption but in life in general.

Still, having to deal with applications, autobiographical questionnaires, invasive interviews about our life and parenting pursuits, reference letters to see if we'd be capable parents, physical exams to see if we are healthy enough to care for a child, fingerprinting, background checks, and employment verifications were not the easiest things to open ourselves up to. Especially when there are people out who shouldn't be having babies and they get to without having to endure a home study and all its requirements.

Once all the requirements for domestic infant adoption are completed the experience still doesn't get any easier. Now we sit and wait to see if our efforts will come to fruition.

The wait is unnerving, because now the years of trying to have a baby are now added to the time waiting to be matched.

There is no telling when or if we will be chosen by a birthmother. Doubt starts to creep in and out as the months pass with no news of anyone wanting to see our profile. Loss returns as yet another year passes and no baby in our arms. Anxiety never really goes away as we remain hyperaware of being asked inappropriate questions from strangers.

Most of all, I think the hardest of all is the relinquishment of control. Our child is literally in someone else's hands or more specifically someone else's womb, and truthfully that can be a scary concept to swallow.

Before, it was up to an agency to see whether we were good enough to be parents. Now, it’s up to a birthmother to see if we are good enough to parent her child.

Does that sound like an easy thing to go through? No, because nothing is ever as easy as anyone assumes.

Myth BUSTED!

The Beginning: A Brief Outline

You are probably wondering how we got to the middle of our journey, so I will start from the beginning. By nature I'm a storyteller and I like detail. I can't just give a brief overview, but for the sake of keeping my reader's attention I will use "The Infertility Resume method.

March 2001
Michael and I get married. We decide that for the first two years I will be on birth control pills.

October 2002
Michael and I move to Oxford, England so he can get his D.Phil in Theology.

September 2003
I throw away my birth control pills and we are ready to make a baby. WOO HOO!!!

September 2004
Still not pregnant, charting shows cycles are all over the place. My GP (General Practitioner) orders some blood tests and refers me to an OB/GYN doc for an ultrasound (the referral takes up to 3 to 6 months - one of the reasons I HATE the National Health Care system).

March 2005
I have my appt with the OB/GYN doc and I'm diagnosed with "Mild Borderline Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome". Sounds made up, yes? We are offered to have a full fertility work up, however we would have to wait another 6 months to have it done.

July 2005
Michael finishes he's thesis and we move back to California. Both of us are looking for jobs and now have no health insurance. Three months later Michael gets a job and we have health insurance.

November 2006
My cycles are getting longer and longer, so I decide to go to the doctors. I get referred to Kaiser's Infertility Program by my Primary Care Physician.

May 2007
Our paperwork is in and we take the appropriate blood tests and Michael gives a Semen Analysis. Michael's SA comes back normal with great numbers. There are no issues with him. My blood work shows that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'm not ovulating on my own so the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggests a couple of cycles of Clomid.

October 2007
We start Clomid at 50 mg. I didn't think it would work the first time, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hopeful. After all, the only problem we are facing is an ovulation problem, so the Clomid is bound to work, right? Wrong.

November 2007
Clomid increased to 100mg, now getting uncomfortable hot flashes at night. But the discomfort will all be worth it if this cycle works. It doesn't work.

December 2007
Clomid increased to 150mg, now getting visual disturbances and insomnia along with the uncomfortable hot flashes. The discomfort does not pay off either in this cycle.

January 2008
Clomid increased to 200mg. We get our first positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) and seal the deal. Two weeks later at our RE appt we take a pregnancy test and its negative. We are sad, but because the visual disturbances got worse with the increase in Clomid dosage the RE suggest moving straight to injections. But first I have to have an HSG (hysterosalipingogram, say that 5 times fast) to check that my fallopian tubes are clear.

February 2008
I don't exactly start my period, but I have spotting. One morning at work I get this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain feels like cramps, but no amount of medicine works to take the pain away. Later that evening my dad takes me to the ER as Michael is gone teaching a night class.

After waiting for nearly 12 hours in the waiting room we are finally admitted and learn that we are pregnant. The elation is short lived as none of the doctors know why I'm in pain. An ultrasound shows I have "fluid" in my uterus.

I am transferred to a Kaiser hospital where we are told that the "fluid" in my uterus is blood. I am then rushed for emergency surgery for either a suspected ruptured cyst or ruptured tube due to an ectopic pregnancy.

Its an ectopic pregnancy and my right tube is removed. Our chances of getting pregnant just got more complicated.

May 2008
I have my scheduled HSG and the test shows the remaining tube is clear. I'm told that the other tube must have had some kind of damage to cause the ectopic. We are cleared to continue treatment with injections and IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Now all I have to do is learn how to give myself shots.

July 2008
I learn how to give myself shots and overcome my fear of needles.

August 2008
Our first injection cycle with IUI begins, but an ultrasound shows the right ovary (a.k.a the wrong ovary) is responding and the left ovary (a.k.a the correct ovary) is quiet, so the cycle is cancelled.

September and November 2008
We have our first and second IUI, but sadly both are not successful.

December 2008
We decide to take a break a much needed break from fertility treatments.

May 2009
We prepare for our third IUI and learn that we no longer have 100% coverage. It is now reduced to 50%, which means dipping into the savings. The IUI is not successful. Our RE offers us a 4th cycle since I have a history of responding well to the meds. We decide to do one more cycle, one last time.

July 2009
We prepare for our fourth and last IUI and it is by far the best cycle we've had since starting injections. The left ovary produces 3 follicles and the right ovary is completely quiet. Everything goes by smoothly.

August 2009
14 days post IUI (August 3) I take a pregnancy test and its negative. I have a blood test taken that same day and my HCG is at 5. I'm pregnant, but not pregnant enough for it to be a viable pregnancy. The next morning I wake up cramping and bleeding. Because the HCG number is so low, the RE calls it a chemical pregnancy and offers another cycle.

September 2009
We decide to stop further fertility treatments, and instead redirect our focus on other ways of building a family. However, before I can come to terms with our new "plan" I will need to work through some issues with the help of a counselor.

May 2010
We picked an Adoption agency and our application has been approved. We are now getting on to various tasks on our to-do list (clean out spare room, make LifeBook of us, scheduling Home Study).

August 2010
Our LifeBook is complete and turned into the agency. We have found an agency here to do our Homestudy and have begun the Homestudy process. Operation Clean Apartment has begun. Also we "graduate" out of Grief Counseling.

December 2010
Our Home Study is officially complete! We are now waiting to be matched with a birthmother.


August 2011
Surprising match with a birthmother through a mutual friend. Things look really promising as both birthparents are supportive of the match. Contact local agency to help with birthparent services and reliquishment. We are excited.


September 2011
Two weeks before the baby is due, birthfather changes his mind, birthmother doesn't feel confident about adoption anymore. Adoption is off. We are devastated.