Why I Had Kept My Infertility a Secret

At first it wasn't intentional. We were excited that we had finally made the decision to try for a baby, but since nothing had happened yet, it wasn't worth sharing with people.

Time had passed, a year, maybe three and the exhilaration of trying to make a baby had become excruciatingly painful as each month passed and nothing. Nothing to show for our efforts but resentment as we had become aware that biology had failed us. Three years had passed and not one positive test. It was clear we had a problem, but who wants to admit to people, much less themselves, that they are having trouble getting pregnant? We sure didn't.

People began to think, as we reached the fifth year mark in our marriage, that we needed them to remind us that it was time for us to start making a family. Little did they know that we had been trying to start one for three years. It was these people that told us to "just relax", "don't think about it", "have some wine" It was then that we realized we didn't need the added grief, we didn't yet even have a diagnosis. No, best to keep this to ourselves. It was none of their business anyways.

A few people knew of our infertility struggles, our parents and our best friends. We had felt that was enough people to share our secret with. Because that's what it was...a secret. And keeping secrets takes a lot of work.

I know for me there was a shame factor involved in keeping our infertility to myself. I was ashamed that I was different from the rest of my friends. I was ashamed that my body couldn't or wouldn't do what it was supposed to do. So I kept that shame to myself.

There was also pain that accompanied the shame. A pain my friends couldn't understand because I wouldn't share it with them assuming they wouldn't be able to understand. Horrible logic, but it was mine. I didn't want to subject them to my pain either so if they asked, I told them. If they didn't, I once again kept the pain and the shame of my secret to myself.

I often found that when a person doesn't know what to say when they hear you are having trouble conceiving a child they usually say the wrong thing or worse give you a useless platitude that is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Then the ectopic happened, and it was a bit harder to keep our secret from people as I ended up in the ER and then rushed into emergency surgery. Our "just an ovulation problem" was made more complicated with the removal of my right tube. But still I didn't talk about it.

I realized in hindsight that it would have benefited me to be a bit more honest with people. But considering how emotionally fragile I was in regards to my IF and the trauma of the ectopic, it was less painful to keep quiet rather then open myself up to horrible comments and advice.

I didn't even tell people I would soon face my fears and learn how to give myself shots for our next phase of treatment: injections.

I didn't want to say anything to anyone until I saw a positive pregnancy test, or held my baby in my arms.

When our last IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy it also marked the end of us seeking further IF treatment and activly trying to have a child of our own. It was then that we realized that we could no longer keep our IF a secret. It was a heartbreaking time for both of us and we needed the support of others.

I only just started sharing our story. Its been a scary and yet helpful process. It hasn't been easy opening myself up to people, but I no longer carry the burden of my secret on my shoulders.

I've also learned that not everyone deserves to hear our story in detail as I still run into people who think its a wonderful joke calling me a D.I.N.K or a 'Woman of Leisure' because we don't yet have children. Or assume that because I've been married 9 years and don't yet have children, means that I don't want children. That is probably the worst obstacle I've run into lately, assumptions, but best save that for a different post.

I'm no longer ashamed of my IF, because I've come to the conclusion that its a part of who I am, not what I am. IF still sucks, that hasn't changed, but its shaped me into the person that I am and I'm not going to hide who I am anymore.

I spent 6 1/2 years hiding and keeping secrets and I'm tired.

The Beginning: A Brief Outline

You are probably wondering how we got to the middle of our journey, so I will start from the beginning. By nature I'm a storyteller and I like detail. I can't just give a brief overview, but for the sake of keeping my reader's attention I will use "The Infertility Resume method.

March 2001
Michael and I get married. We decide that for the first two years I will be on birth control pills.

October 2002
Michael and I move to Oxford, England so he can get his D.Phil in Theology.

September 2003
I throw away my birth control pills and we are ready to make a baby. WOO HOO!!!

September 2004
Still not pregnant, charting shows cycles are all over the place. My GP (General Practitioner) orders some blood tests and refers me to an OB/GYN doc for an ultrasound (the referral takes up to 3 to 6 months - one of the reasons I HATE the National Health Care system).

March 2005
I have my appt with the OB/GYN doc and I'm diagnosed with "Mild Borderline Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome". Sounds made up, yes? We are offered to have a full fertility work up, however we would have to wait another 6 months to have it done.

July 2005
Michael finishes he's thesis and we move back to California. Both of us are looking for jobs and now have no health insurance. Three months later Michael gets a job and we have health insurance.

November 2006
My cycles are getting longer and longer, so I decide to go to the doctors. I get referred to Kaiser's Infertility Program by my Primary Care Physician.

May 2007
Our paperwork is in and we take the appropriate blood tests and Michael gives a Semen Analysis. Michael's SA comes back normal with great numbers. There are no issues with him. My blood work shows that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'm not ovulating on my own so the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggests a couple of cycles of Clomid.

October 2007
We start Clomid at 50 mg. I didn't think it would work the first time, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hopeful. After all, the only problem we are facing is an ovulation problem, so the Clomid is bound to work, right? Wrong.

November 2007
Clomid increased to 100mg, now getting uncomfortable hot flashes at night. But the discomfort will all be worth it if this cycle works. It doesn't work.

December 2007
Clomid increased to 150mg, now getting visual disturbances and insomnia along with the uncomfortable hot flashes. The discomfort does not pay off either in this cycle.

January 2008
Clomid increased to 200mg. We get our first positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) and seal the deal. Two weeks later at our RE appt we take a pregnancy test and its negative. We are sad, but because the visual disturbances got worse with the increase in Clomid dosage the RE suggest moving straight to injections. But first I have to have an HSG (hysterosalipingogram, say that 5 times fast) to check that my fallopian tubes are clear.

February 2008
I don't exactly start my period, but I have spotting. One morning at work I get this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain feels like cramps, but no amount of medicine works to take the pain away. Later that evening my dad takes me to the ER as Michael is gone teaching a night class.

After waiting for nearly 12 hours in the waiting room we are finally admitted and learn that we are pregnant. The elation is short lived as none of the doctors know why I'm in pain. An ultrasound shows I have "fluid" in my uterus.

I am transferred to a Kaiser hospital where we are told that the "fluid" in my uterus is blood. I am then rushed for emergency surgery for either a suspected ruptured cyst or ruptured tube due to an ectopic pregnancy.

Its an ectopic pregnancy and my right tube is removed. Our chances of getting pregnant just got more complicated.

May 2008
I have my scheduled HSG and the test shows the remaining tube is clear. I'm told that the other tube must have had some kind of damage to cause the ectopic. We are cleared to continue treatment with injections and IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Now all I have to do is learn how to give myself shots.

July 2008
I learn how to give myself shots and overcome my fear of needles.

August 2008
Our first injection cycle with IUI begins, but an ultrasound shows the right ovary (a.k.a the wrong ovary) is responding and the left ovary (a.k.a the correct ovary) is quiet, so the cycle is cancelled.

September and November 2008
We have our first and second IUI, but sadly both are not successful.

December 2008
We decide to take a break a much needed break from fertility treatments.

May 2009
We prepare for our third IUI and learn that we no longer have 100% coverage. It is now reduced to 50%, which means dipping into the savings. The IUI is not successful. Our RE offers us a 4th cycle since I have a history of responding well to the meds. We decide to do one more cycle, one last time.

July 2009
We prepare for our fourth and last IUI and it is by far the best cycle we've had since starting injections. The left ovary produces 3 follicles and the right ovary is completely quiet. Everything goes by smoothly.

August 2009
14 days post IUI (August 3) I take a pregnancy test and its negative. I have a blood test taken that same day and my HCG is at 5. I'm pregnant, but not pregnant enough for it to be a viable pregnancy. The next morning I wake up cramping and bleeding. Because the HCG number is so low, the RE calls it a chemical pregnancy and offers another cycle.

September 2009
We decide to stop further fertility treatments, and instead redirect our focus on other ways of building a family. However, before I can come to terms with our new "plan" I will need to work through some issues with the help of a counselor.

May 2010
We picked an Adoption agency and our application has been approved. We are now getting on to various tasks on our to-do list (clean out spare room, make LifeBook of us, scheduling Home Study).

August 2010
Our LifeBook is complete and turned into the agency. We have found an agency here to do our Homestudy and have begun the Homestudy process. Operation Clean Apartment has begun. Also we "graduate" out of Grief Counseling.

December 2010
Our Home Study is officially complete! We are now waiting to be matched with a birthmother.


August 2011
Surprising match with a birthmother through a mutual friend. Things look really promising as both birthparents are supportive of the match. Contact local agency to help with birthparent services and reliquishment. We are excited.


September 2011
Two weeks before the baby is due, birthfather changes his mind, birthmother doesn't feel confident about adoption anymore. Adoption is off. We are devastated.