Has My Secret Been Found Out

My arms feel stiff
As she hands me her newborn son to hold.
He's a small bundle, Precious at first sight.
A perfect combination of his parents.
He senses the awkwardness,
and fusses in my arms.
I try to calm him and myself,
but its not working.
He knows I'm uncomfortable.

Its a good thing I'm sitting
I don't think my shaky legs
could support me.
Whose idea was it
To place this innocent child
In my desperate arms?
Was it the longing look on my face,
Or the defeated slump in my shoulders?
Has my secret been found out?

Its not his fault.
He's just trying to sleep.
He doesn't know the journey I've walked,
Or the struggles I've endured,
To have a baby of my own.
He doesn't know the tears I've shed,
As month after month
My arms remain empty.
He just knows I'm uncomfortable.

She takes him away,
And thinks she's done a good thing
By allowing me to hold him.
She doesn't see the damage
This simple gesture inflicted on my fragile heart.
Its not her fault
I should have said,"No thanks"
or "Maybe next time"
But I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

She Came to Him Crying

She came to him crying,
Carrying the pieces
Of their shattered dreams in her hands.
She knows she should let them go,
Its remnants constantly digging in her hands,
As she holds tightly to what is left.
She doesn’t want to say goodbye,
But she knows she needs to.

He looks into her pleading eyes,
And gently takes her in his arms.
He doesn’t know what to say,
To take the pain away from her, from them.
So he says, “I love you.”
He doesn’t know what to do,
To make the tears go away.
So he presses kisses to each tear.

She melts into his arms,
As his embrace dissolves the grief surrounding her.
“I love you too,” she says.
Allowing his words and affection to
Wash over the open wounds she cannot reach.
Soon she is no longer crying,
But encompassing every part of him,
As he penetrates through the sorrow
Turning it to joy.

Not Meant for this World

We wanted to have two kids,

That was our plan, our dream.

Just two, a good even number,

One boy, one girl, one of each.

We set to planning when we would start.

“It should take less than a year,” they said.

“We won’t have a problem,” we said.

One year turned into three,

Eventually became four, then six.

Now seven years of waiting and trying,

Praying and hoping, that one day,

Our love would bring a baby into this world.

We waited for you both, and those days did come.

But you both weren’t meant for this world.

So tonight we’ll light a candle,

Remembering your short time with us,

Honouring your place in our hearts,

Until we see you once again.

The Poetic Side of Me

Here is a poem that I wrote four months ago that morning our lives changed. I'm glad I was able to write it. I love writing poetry. Its a great way for me to express the raw emotions that come with living with infertility.


Nothing ever seems easy
For the two of us.
Everyday challenges
Feel like a soft reprimand
For fear that we should take things for granted.
In between the trials and heartache,
The tears and the anger,
A small reprieve finds us,
But only for a little while.
There is a constant struggle for peace,
As we fight our way toward a happiness
That never seems to find us.

He says we’re being shaped
For something.
So why does it feel
Like we’re being punished?
He says He has a perfect plan
For us.
So why won’t He tell us,
What is going on?
He says there is a miracle
For us.
So why does it feel
Like the death of a dream?