Adoption is a Quick Easy Fix for Infertility a.k.a Just Adopt if you Can’t Have Children

Infertility Myth: Adoption is a Quick Easy Fix for Infertility a.k.a Just Adopt if you can’t have children.

 This one, at least to me, seems like an obvious busted myth. Who in their right mind would think that adoption is an easy fix for an infertile couple? However, I know there are people out there that think that adoption is much easier than getting pregnant on one's own. This week, April 24th - April 30th is National Infertility Awareness Week, a week Resolve.org sets aside to educate the public about the pain of Infertility. This year Resolve.org has encouraged infertility bloggers to "Bust an Infertility Myth".

I took it upon myself to set things straight to those individuals who think those of us who have chosen to pursue domestic infant adoption after infertility have it "easy".

A little history. When we realized that trying to have a baby naturally wouldn't be easy, we took the appropriate steps needed to ensure that we tried all the options available to us. After two miscarriages, two years of failed infertility treatments and the financial and emotional exhaustion of treatment, we made the final decision to stop all treatment and any other pursuits to try to get pregnant naturally. That decision didn't come easy by any means.

We decided that domestic infant adoption would be the next step in building our family. But deciding to adopt, and being emotionally ready to take those steps to make it happen were much harder than we anticipated.

I don't think many people realize that after years of trying to get pregnant and not being able to, adoption isn't the quick easy fix. Because to them, when a couple adopts they don't have to deal with weight gain, morning sickness, swollen ankles, muscles stretching, pelvic bones dislocating, stretch marks and other things associated with being pregnant. According to them the adopting couple just gets a baby.

They often don't understand that coming to the decision to adopt, means having to resolve the issues infertility has already created in the infertile couple- grief, loss, shame, inadequacy, insecurity. Not to mention that we, the infertile couple, must mourn the dream of having our own children and the experiences that come with it.

Mourning a dream isn't easy, but I do feel it is necessary if adoption is to be pursued.

Who wants to carry around those things with them when they adopt? I know I didn't, so we made the decision to go into grief counseling to help us not only be emotionally ready for adoption but also to help us live.

I remember the thought of having to endure a home study had scared me to death. What if the social worker didn't think we were emotionally ready for adoption? What if our infertility history prevented us from being approved? What if he/she didn't think adoption was a good fit for us?

I didn't have anything to worry about. Our social worker was very pleased that we had taken the steps to become emotionally ready not only in our preparation for adoption but in life in general.

Still, having to deal with applications, autobiographical questionnaires, invasive interviews about our life and parenting pursuits, reference letters to see if we'd be capable parents, physical exams to see if we are healthy enough to care for a child, fingerprinting, background checks, and employment verifications were not the easiest things to open ourselves up to. Especially when there are people out who shouldn't be having babies and they get to without having to endure a home study and all its requirements.

Once all the requirements for domestic infant adoption are completed the experience still doesn't get any easier. Now we sit and wait to see if our efforts will come to fruition.

The wait is unnerving, because now the years of trying to have a baby are now added to the time waiting to be matched.

There is no telling when or if we will be chosen by a birthmother. Doubt starts to creep in and out as the months pass with no news of anyone wanting to see our profile. Loss returns as yet another year passes and no baby in our arms. Anxiety never really goes away as we remain hyperaware of being asked inappropriate questions from strangers.

Most of all, I think the hardest of all is the relinquishment of control. Our child is literally in someone else's hands or more specifically someone else's womb, and truthfully that can be a scary concept to swallow.

Before, it was up to an agency to see whether we were good enough to be parents. Now, it’s up to a birthmother to see if we are good enough to parent her child.

Does that sound like an easy thing to go through? No, because nothing is ever as easy as anyone assumes.

Myth BUSTED!

Shame On You, PETA

PETA decided to honor National Infertility Awareness Week by openly mocking those who suffer from Infertility by way of their latest campaign, "Win a Vasectomy". This was first brought to my attention by this post from Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.

I stewed in this for a while. I was too angry to form a coherent sentence much less form my outrage in a letter or email to the PETA president Ms Ingrid Newkirk. I finally wrote one. And while it isn't as eloquent as Keiko and a few others letters that I have read, I'm just proud that I actually wrote something. Below is my letter:

Dear Ms Newkirk,

I'm sure by now you have received numerous emails from offended individuals like myself regarding PETA's latest "Win a Vasetomy" campaign. I'll be quick. I don't find that this campaign honors National Infertility Awareness Week at all. I find it offensive, insensitive and downright hurtful. Offering sterilization to honor an association like Resolve.org, who has set aside NIAW to educate the public about infertility, while simultaniously building up the confidence of the infertility community, is tactless and disgusting. It doesn't honor NIAW in any way, instead it mocks a community of people that struggle with a disease they didn't ask for. Yes, infertility is a disease, not just a "difficult issue".

And comparing the overpopulation of animals and humans is just absurd. There are certain parts of the world, like the Western world that does not suffer from human overpopulation, so your campaign is again absurd.

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility? Chances are, there are most likely more than a few of your employees that are currently struggling with infertility, and it is campaigns like this one that just perpetuates the ignorance, instead of educating.

By not being able to have children, I'm not doing the world a favor. However, this campaign seems suggests otherwise.

Please do the honorable thing and disassociate Resolve.org and NIAW from this campaign.

Sincerely,

Jonelle

Whew, all done. Time for bed.

What IF?

What IF, after all the pain and struggle of trying to have a baby, enduring the heartache of loss and failure, there is nothing left of me to give a baby through adoption?

I worry sometimes that because we had been TTC for more than 6 years, endured two miscarriages, and now are no longer TTC, if there is enough in me left to open my heart to adoption. All our invested hopes and dreams of having children of our own has been spent, what if there is nothing left to give?

Its been nine years of wanting a baby, six years of trying for a baby, What IF by the time I get baby I'm not good at being a mother, or worse after waiting so long, I hate being a mother?

Yes, my brain works on overload and I tend to ride that bad train of thought until I'm lying on the couch dissolved in tears. I forget sometimes, that thinking too far ahead in the future, can distort perceptions and create fear of the unknown. I have to be reminded to just concentrate on today. Just get through today.

But I can't help it. I've been fantasizing about the future and our children for ages. I've had their names picked out for 10 years. I've dreamt about who they would look like. If they would have my curly hair or Michael's hazel eyes.

There are some days, rare occasions, when I just want to stop...everything, stop all pursuits at parenthood. Because some days I'm not sure what kind of mother I will turn into having walked the road of infertility.

But then there is this voice in my head asking, nagging, yelling at me that What IF I'm good at being a mother, and I love and cherish every minute of it? Even the all night crying and sleepless nights.

What IF the wait was worth it in the end? Because I couldn't imagine my life without this child in it.

What IF all the pain of waiting, the anguish of failure, the heartache of loss was turned into joy? What IF all that we have been through makes us better, loving parents? What IF this child has been waiting for us and not the other way around?

Then I'll stay for the ride and endure the road blocks and speed bumps along the way. I'll open my heart to whatever God has in store for me. I'll pray He gives me the strength to hold on to the hope of our child, where ever he/she may be, that they will soon come home to us.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week April 24 - May 1. This post was part of Project IF organized by Resolve.org and Mel of StirrupQueens.com. To learn more about infertility and how you can support someone you know going through this journey visit Resolve.org for more information.

If you would like to view the complete list of What IFs you can find them here.

Outing Myself

*****But first an apology*****

I know it's ICLW week, but lately I've been completely blank on anything to post. I'll write something that sounds like an interesting topic to post. I'll read it back and it ends up being complete rubbish. So I'm sorry to all the people from ICLW who have only had my greeting to read.

Now back to topic.

In light of National Infertility Awareness Week April 24-May 1 I decided that I would 'out' myself to my Facebook Friends about our infertility. I was encouraged to do so by Busted Kate of Busted Plumbing, who did this very brave thing on FB yesterday.

At first I was very apprehensive and couldn't see the good in doing so. Are you mad? I don't want to open myself up to MORE insensitive comments, MORE useless platitudes, MORE unhelpful advice. NO Thank you.

But the more I got to thinking about it. If I didn't out myself about our IF the perpetual cycle of insensitive comments, useless platitudes and unhelpful advice would continue to find me. At least by doing this one simple thing I can educate and inform.

I fretted about it for a few hours until I decided to just do it. But first I needed to make sure it would be okay with Michael. As this outing would be our outing not just mine. He told me to do it. I was scared to do this, but still determined.

Here is what I put as my status yesterday:

April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness week. This week, I am not hiding the fact that we suffer from infertility. It has been a part of our lives for more than 6 years. Please don't tell us to relax. Please don't tell us there is a reason. Please don't tell us everything works in God's time. Instead, just say you're praying for us.

And I waited to see what being honest would do to me. I felt liberated...and slightly nauseous. What if this backfired on me? But nothing bad happened.

All the comments I've received have been great and supportive. One I got from my old pastor thanked me for being real. I thought that was the best one, because I'm not very real on FB, and putting this as my status was as real as I've ever gotten.

The absolute best was when I went on FB this morning and Michael put it on his status too. I really love that man of mine.