To Fight, or not to Fight? That is the Question...

There was a recent article on Huffington Post about a mom in Millburn, NJ who was beaten severely during a home invasion robbery. The incident was caught on a "nanny cam". It's is very graphic, and horrifying to watch, especially when reading the article the reader learns that this woman's 3 year old daughter was on the couch witnessing her mom get beaten by this intruder. After beating the mom, he threw her down the basement stairs, continued to rob the house of jewelry, and went back to the basement to beat her again.

The woman tells the news reporter that she "took it" because she knew if she screamed, her 3 year old would have screamed to, so her silence was to protect her kids (younger child was napping upstairs).

Someone on my FB newsfeed posted the link to the article and most of the comments on it were along the lines of "the police would have had to scrape him off the floor if it was me".

Really?

In a panic would you have had the presence of mind to take the phone, your child, and hide, or would you have stood your ground and fought back?

I can understand why the woman "took it", but again at what expense? Her 3 year old is traumatized, hopefully not for life, but she will need some sort of counseling. On the other hand, the assailant's attention was solely on the woman, which I think was the woman's intentions.

I think what is bothering me are all these comments from people (some of them moms) "Oh that wouldn't be me. That man wouldn't last 3 seconds...The police would be sifting cornmeal through him..." I appreciate the ferocity in their statements. I understand it, and I too would fight for my life and the life of my child.  But saying it and doing it are two different things. It's just big talk.

Reading between the lines of these statements, it is almost as if the commenters are suggesting that what this mom did (or didn't do) was not brave, simply because she chose not to fight back. Considering the rage this guy had, it was probably a wise choice she didn't fight back as she could have made the incident much worse.

I'm sure fighting back went through that woman's mind. I'm sure she was scared out of her mind, that she likely panicked, not having time to grab her kid, run up the stairs, and lock herself in her bathroom, or her baby's room, and call the police. Maybe she quickly analyzed all the possible scenarios before realizing that the only option left was to just take it, so this person would leave quickly.


In my 8 1/2 months of being a mom, I've had a few "Mama Bear" moments. Nothing compared to this woman's experience, but it was a MB moment. This one occurred when A was brand new, and the pediatrician assigned to us was not listening when I kept telling her that A was turning blue while we were feeding her, and gasping for air when we put her to sleep on her back.

"She's got reflux."

"What about her breathing?"

"You will need to switch formulas."

"What about her breathing?"

"You will also need to hold her upright for 20 minutes after feeding."

"What. About. Her. Breathing?"

(Thoroughly exasperated) "If she turns blue the next time you are feeding her, take her to the ER."

A turned blue that night, three times while we were feeding her and when we attempted to burp her she was gasping for air.

I know what happened, the Ped was likely writing me off as a nervous first time mother. Something was wrong with my child and no one believed me. Once we took A to the ER, the nurses and the Dr on call hooked A up to a pulse oxy machine and saw for themselves while I fed her, that she fell into the 60s and turned a dusky ashen color. They admitted her, and transferred her to their Children's Hospital. (She stayed there for 10 days, had surgery to open her airway, endured multiple tests, and was eventually cleared to go home.)One of the nurses hugged me, and said, "You did the right thing bringing her in."  They believed me. The fight was not in vain. I could finally let out the breath I was holding.


I honestly don't know what I would have done if I was in that Millburn, NJ woman's shoes. I know I would protect my child, that is a given. I don't know if I would have just stood there and taken a severe beating from an intruder, but if it took the attention away from my child and protected her from being assaulted...then yes. In the grand scheme of things I like to think that I would have taken my child, called the police and hid.

It just pains me that this woman endured so much, such a senseless act of violence - for what a few hundred dollars worth of jewelry?

I hope she and her child make a quick recovery and get the help that they need to be able to live through this horrific incident.

I hope they catch the intruder, so that this does not happen ever again.

Ten Years Ago, and Ten Years Later

Last Friday Michael and I had an appointment with our new social worker. The agency is located near where we used to go to church back when we were dating. It also marked ten years to the date that he had proposed to me.

The meeting with our social worker went well. It was mostly a introduction meeting but apparently it counted toward a portion of our group interview for the Home Study. She also gave us our autobiographical questionnaires, a few other forms (LiveScan) and we scheduled my individual interview for Wednesday (that went well too.)

After the meeting Michael asked me if I wanted to go to our Barnes and Noble. Not just any Barnes and Noble, the Barnes and Noble where he proposed.  The Barnes and Noble where I said yes. Of course I wanted to go! (Yes, we are oddly romantic.)

We hadn't been there in years, mostly because shortly after we were married we moved out of the area and eventually out of the country. Once we moved back to CA we settled in a different county, so this trip was special.

As we walked in the store Michael had me by the hand and we were both narrating to each other our own version of that day. Back then he was dragging me through the store frantically trying to find a section that was empty. Eventually we ended up on the second floor in the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies section. It was the only empty section in the store (kinda sad when I think about it) next to a floor to ceiling window.  Its was there that he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Looking around it was clear that they had moved all the sections. As we went up the escalator and walked to the left we could already see that Bibles and Eastern Philosophies was no longer there. I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach which section they had replaced it with. Sure enough when we got there it was now the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section. Oh, the irony.

Michael and I laughed, but it got me thinking of where we were 10 years ago and where those 10 years have brought us.

Ten years ago infertility was the farthest thing from our minds. Ten years ago I had just said yes to the love of my life and was looking forward to spending my life with him. Ten years ago I had dreamed that we would have had 2 kids by now, a lovely house with a two car garage. Living happy and ignorant of the dangers of infertility.

Ten years later infertility is sometimes all I can think about, because its part of who I am. Ten years later we've had our two kids, but we'll never get to hold them or see them grow up. Ten years later and I know more about infertility treatments and words like hysterosalipingogram and intrauterine insemination, than I would like.

But in these ten years, as hard as they have been at times, I wouldn't change it. Well, the not being able to have children part, I would change. I'd be lying if I said no. I'm talking about the influence infertility has had on us, I wouldn't change that. Infertility really has made us stronger and closer as a couple, and when there was no one else to cling to, to save us from the pain of failed treatments, miscarriages, and final decision not to try anymore, we had each other.

I know that infertility has shaped us into the people we are today. I don't know what kind of person I would be had we not been touched by it. Would I still appreciate things the same way I do now? Would I take every good thing for granted, instead of treasuring it? Would I be one of those insensitive people asking inapproriate questions or giving out useless platitudes to someone I know living with infertility?

Would we be adopting? Probably not, and that made me sad.

***

Standing together in the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section formerly known as the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies, Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I'd marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.