The Power of Sugar

I'm not an emotional eater, but I can understand where it can be a comfort and also a danger.

My mom calls me a pleasure eater, which means I eat when life is going good and I don't eat much when life is crap. I also have a nervous stomach - so add an unknown and potentially nerve-wraking situation like adoption and the ickiness of IF to the mix and well I haven't really been interested in food for quiet a while.

But I can understand certain aspects of emotional eating to a degree. I'm not going to be so bold as to say I understand it fully.

Yesterday, I went to Disneyland with a friend. God bless her, she tried so hard to cheer me up by taking me to the Happiest Place on Earth! All I really wanted was a Churro, that's all and go on a rollercoaster. I really didn't even matter which one, just as long as it was fast and made me scream. Well I got to go on Big Thunder and on my way back toward Main Street not one Churro stand was open from Frontierland to Main Street.

Seriously? This is Disneyland. They're expected to provide sugary treats at every corner. Its part of their appeal, isn't it? This is the reason (well one of the reasons) I wanted to go. But sadly no Churro for me.

The craving for sugar didn't go away once I got home. I just wanted something with cinnamon sugar. We don't have bread in the house, so I couldn't make cinnamon toast. However, we have torillas, so I made cinnamon sugar chips.

It took forever for the oven to preheat.  It felt like eternity for the chips to bake. The smell of cinnamon chips baking was awesome.

They were so good, but the moment was short lived. Nothing seemed to make me feel good, and the more sugar I ate, the more my stomach hurt.

I still felt so empty, so lost. and so angry.

And the more time that passed by, I started to feel worse about what I had done.

I can't do that again. I can't eat food to make myself feel better, that kind of thinking creates more problems than I'm willing to deal with. I have enough to be going on with, thank you very much.

I think I might have to go back to compulsively drinking coffee. Its a slightly safer option, don't you think. Well, not so much on the kidneys, but you get my point.

When the Other Shoe Drops

I had been waiting the past month for the other shoe to drop.

Some of you may have read this post a few weeks ago and wondered what was going on with us.

We had been kind of matched with a birthmother through a mutual friend. Everything was moving along nicely. I was going to Lamaze classes and attending doctor's appointments with her. Everything was going great and everything was coming so easy...a little too easy.

Last Thursday after the Dr appt we were all suppose to go to a meeting at the adoption agency...that afternoon the other shoe dropped.

For weeks I had been praying and asking God, if this isn't meant to be, shut the door and shut it now before I get emotionally invested in this match.

He didn't shut the door, rather it felt like He was holding it open. And in the matter of one weekend that open door slammed shut in my face.

I bought a carseat.

*facepalm*

I bought a pack n' play

*headdesk*

I bought baby clothes.

*double headdesk*

For the first time in years I was excited about a baby.

I was looking forward to taking care of my baby, holding and cuddling my baby. Feeling the small weight of a tiny human in my arms...watching her grow up in our family.

I'm just so tired of fighting to become a parent. Today I want to throw in the towel, rise my white flag and just give up and stop fighting.

I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get emotionally attached. I attended a baby care basics class at my local hospital. I read up on taking care of a newborn. I actually bought things for a baby. I even planned a baby shower in my head.

Again, we were so close to becoming parents but the opportunity was taken away. This was actually the closest we had ever got to it actually happening. Its no wonder why we were so  excited.

I'm so tired...

Detours and Roadblocks

They happen often on any journey. Sometimes they aren't so bad, as the detour may take us a bit off the beaten track, but eventually we find ourselves back on the main road, heading toward our destination.

Other times, the detour takes us down a different road and ultimately to a different destination altogether. A destination we hadn't yet anticipated or prepared for.  It's scary and unfamiliar at first, but  eventually we get adjusted to our new surroundings and make the necessary arrangements to continue onwards.

And what would a journey be without its roadblocks? These special devices often ruin the momentum of an otherwise smooth, uneventful excursion.

To be honest, detours and roadblocks suck, but sometimes they are necessary. They serve a purpose, one we may not understand at the time at which they occur. In the present, roadblocks can throw a wrench in the works of an already delicate trip, causing tension, uncertainty and panic. And there is nothing we can do, but wait to see what happens when the road clears.

...and so we wait.

An Interesting turn of events

Something awesome has happened and I can't really talk about it.

Lets just say that something we've been waiting to happen for a long time, has the potential of happening very soon.

We're excited, and a little scared.

At first, the people I needed to get a hold of, I was playing phone tag with, but I finally got a hold of them.

I think the 'not-being-able-to-get-a-hold-of-the-people-I-need-to' thing was happening for a reason. I'm sure it was God's way of showing me patience. Because lets face it, He doesn't just give us patience - He provides an opportunity for us to be patient.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, because lets face it, things like this don't happen to us. Things like this happen to strangers or friends of friends, not us.

I really want to be hopeful, but my cynicism is winning out.

Caution is starting to overrun my excitement.

It feels like the beginnings of a perfect cycle all over again.

Two years ago, Michael and I had our last IUI cycle and by far it was the best one we had ever experienced. I had responded well to the meds (as always), my lining was 'beautiful' (RE's words, not mine), the right side had been quiet (as it should be, since there is no tube there) and the left side had produced three very lovely mature follicles.

The morning of the IUI, I had brought all the remaining meds back into the RE's office because I had no longer wanted to see it in my fridge. After all, this was to be our last cycle...ever. We had decided, 4 IUIs (technically 8 in total, 4 were cancelled), was enough. My RE was actually being generous to us at offering a 4th cycle since I responded so well to the meds (typically they didn't continue after 3 failed cycles).

Everything had been going perfectly. I had passed 12dpiui without bleeding (a milestone, as I never exceeded 12dpiui). But once I had hit 14dpiui and did the required hpt (my RE office had you do a hpt before having a beta) my hopes were dashed as the hpt had been negative.

It turned out our perfect cycle had ended in a chemical pregnancy.

I don't feel like I'm being forced to do anything I don't want to. I don't feel I'm forcing doors to open that should be kept closed. So far everything is going as right as can be expected...and maybe that is what is scaring me. Because things, like this, don't usually go right for us.

I'm noticing with this new situation that even though God is opening the doors - it still requires work on my part. I can do the easy thing and sit back and do nothing, or I can do the right thing by stepping out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

I apologise for the vagueness of this post. I will try to post an update soon