Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Since turning 33 this past Tuesday (thank you all for the lovely birthday wishes), it seems to have opened the flood gates to inappropriate questions. Well maybe not so much inappropriate as intruding questions.

People hear '33' and they seem to think that its okay to now have that 'talk' with me about it being time for me to settle down and have kids.

Yes, like I haven't thought of that too.

My hairdresser was the first one this week. "When are you going to have kids? You know, its time to start thinking about it."

I had only a split second to think about whether or not I should be honest with her and tell her we are infertile or just let it slide. The last time I let it slide I was called a 'Woman of Leisure' in which the questioners wrongfully assumed that I didn't want kids. The end result was not pretty, as I was on the verge of tears and practically yelling at them that I did in fact want kids, we were just was unable to have them.

I decided to be completely honest with her. Her face fell, she seemed genuinely sorry that she had asked. I think she was searching for something comforting to say, the end result was, "enjoy your life and the time you have with your husband." She should have stopped after that, but instead she proceeded to tell me how difficult it was raising four children. Thanks...I think.

The next one was yesterday with a new member. I was training her on the machines and like all new people they want to chat, so what is the question she asks me, "Any children?"

Crap!!!

"No"

"Do you want kids?"

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

And there it was again, the internal conflict of choosing to be honest or choosing to cower in my own secrecy of IF. I choose honesty, and for the worse reason yet. I wanted her to feel bad asking a young infertile woman the one question she hates to hear and answer. I wanted to strip away the assumption that just because a woman looks of child-bearing age, doesn't mean she can bear children. I wanted her to think twice about ever opening with that line of questioning...ever again.

So I said, "We want kids, we're just not able to have them."

Of course what I really wanted to say was,  Thank you, for bringing up such a painful subject. Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it. (Thanks Miracle Max).

I know honesty is the best thing in dealing with people and their annoying questions, its just so exhausting. Every time I 'out myself' to these people, anxiety soon follows. I can feel my heart start to beat faster and faster against my ribcage. I can feel the tears threatening to come from behind my eyes, followed by the painful lump in my throat, as I try to be strong and come clean about my inability to have children.

I swear the next person that asks me the 'kids' question, I'll be sure to accompany my honest answer with some tears.

On a happy note, I'm excited that we finally picked an adoption agency. I spent my birthday night rewriting the application and deciding which picture to send with it. I choose this one.

Its the professional one the Disney Photoman took with his camera. The one he took on my camera was awful. I think they do that on purpose so you have to buy the pictures they take.

Anyway, I'm glad that we took that step of faith. We will see what happens and what God has in store for us.

Have a great weekend, everyone :)

Happy Birthday to Me...

Heehee :) yes its my birthday today and I've been 33 for the little over an hour. I'm normally not so straight forward with urging people to comment, but it is my birthday, so please show me some love. Like I said in my previous post, it is the only day I have a valid excuse to be the center of attention and not look like a complete @$$. I promise not every post will be like this.

I also would like to wish my blogger friend Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed a wonderful Happy Birthday as well. So when you are finished wishing me a happy birthday in the comments please go over to her blog and wish her a happy Birthday as well.

The celebrations started yesterday with lots of fun at Farrell's. It was awesome! I was so stuffed, but it was soo worth it. I worked out that day, so technically I had already burned off the calories I was going to consume, so it evens out. (I think?) Sorry no pictures, I forgot my camera.

Yesterday, Michael and I went to Disneyland. I love wearing my "Happy Birthday" button even if there are tens of thousands of people with exact same button. It still makes me feel special when someone sees it and wishes me a 'Happy Birthday'. We got to go on Space Mountain twice, Indiana Jones twice, Pirates, Big Thunder Mountain, Soarin' over California. Unfortunately my favorite roller coaster "California Screamin' was temporarily closed and than when it did reopen everyone in CA was in line. *sigh* So we didn't go on it.

Today I haven't decided how I should celebrate. Last year I stayed home and had an Indiana Jones Marathon because the day before was our 3rd IUI and I was still cramping. I haven't decided this year if I should just keep it simple and get a pedicure, or do some simple shopping. Or I could do both.

So I leave you all with a clip from my favorite show. And I promise to catch up on all my comments before ICLW week is over:)

May ICLW Welcome :)

I'm sorry that I'm a little late in doing this, please forgive me. If you are here because of ICLW week, welcome to my blog. If you would like to know how I came upon being 'in the middle' you can find our IF journey here.

There are some things you should know about me:

1) I love musicals - Its hard to pick a favorite. Right now its a tie between The Sound of Music and Sweeney Todd. Sweeney Todd is winning as I have this soundtrack on my iPod.

2) I'm a night person. I love staying up late, I just hate what it does to me the next morning.

3) I have naturally curly hair, but I straighten it with my beloved Con-Air 2-in-1 Wet 'n Dry Straightener. It was the best $20 I spent at Target.

4) I'm a major coffee addict and an emotional coffee drinker. I will brew a pot if I'm feeling sad just to warm me and cheer me up. Umm its soo good, but maybe not for my kidneys.

5) My cat Jack has 3 namesakes - Jack Bristow from Alias, Jack Bauer from 24, Jack Malone from Without a Trace.

6) I'm probably the only woman my age (32 and 363 days) that loves her birthday. Its the only day I have a valid excuse to be the center of attention and not look like a complete...well you know.

7) I know the entire movie Sixteen Candles by heart.

I'm looking forward to meeting new people. In the comments please leave me some things I should know about you :)

The Wisdom of Glee

Can I just say how much I love the show Glee? Well of course I can, this is my blog :) Anyway, Tuesday's episode was really great, lots of twists, Neil Patrick Harris awesomeness (I've never heard him sing before. Yes I know, I live in a cave), but for me the highlight of the episode was Artie's subplot.

Tina wanted Artie to do a dance number with her. It didn't turn out so good. Encouraging him that he will walk again one day, Tina brings Artie a mountain of paperwork of breakthrough research that she found in regards to spinal cord injuries.

And then there was the best part of the show...Artie's daydream dance sequence set to Men without Hats Safety Dance.

But the real clincher for me was toward the end of the episode when Artie realizes that he may never be able to walk again. And he tells Tina gently, "I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true." 

I nearly cried, because that is what I've been trying to do for the past six months, but no one will help me move on. No one will help me redirect my focus. No one will allow me to let go of the dream of having a biological child. Its almost like they are somewhat discouraged that they now have to pray for our adoption. Like we are settling for something else and not "focusing on the miracle".

I know these people are well-intentioned when they tell us that they are "praying for a miracle of a biological child," or that they are "believing in God to bring us a child of our own."  But its difficult to feel their support when their focus is so much different than ours.

I can't afford to hold onto that hope, or believe that God will someday allow us to have a child that is half me and half Michael. I can't continue to think about when God will ever open my womb, because He might not choose to do so. I can't keep focusing on what if this month is the month, because honestly, I've been doing that for six years and all it brings is disappointment when I don't see two pink lines.

Instead, I have to focus on dreams that I can make come true.

And because I love Glee and Artie here is his 'Safety Dance'

Holding My Breath

I feel like half of the year I'm holding my breath and counting the days until one month passes into the next.

Case in point, February. I hate February and I'm so thankful it is the shortest month of the year. February is when everything changed for us. February is when the ectopic happened. February is when everything became much more complicated in our quest to have a baby. February is when our "just an ovulation problem" became a "tubal factor" and "ovulation problem". So for the past two Februarys I've held my breath and prayed for March to come fast.

I love March. Our anniversary is in March and we always go to Disneyland, dodging the strollers all day in our mission to get to the good rides.

But this year I found myself once again holding my breath when April came.  April would have been my due date month had I not miscarried in August.

And now we are in May and I'm still holding my breath, praying tomorrow and the rest of this month goes by fast. I don't like Mother's Day. I haven't gone to church on MD for the last two years. I just can't do it. Its too hard. I couldn't even make it through a baby dedication in January, I doubt my heart will allow me to make it through a church service. I'm not sure if I'll ever make my peace with Mother's Day.

I've been holding my breath through this month for the past 6 years, more so in the last 3 years since turning 30. The breath holding doesn't stop after Mother's Day, it continues until the day before my birthday, near the end of May, when I'm reminded that I'll be another year older and still no baby.

Its harder this year, because we're not trying to have a baby anymore. We're no longer doing treatments, and I'm sad. Sad that I'll never get to see my babies, heartbroken that they weren't meant for this world and tired of trying to put a happy face on a situation that sucks.

I'm not sure what kind of day I'll have tomorrow. I know the day is not all about me. I have a mom and Mother's Day is when I can honor her as my mom, and be thankful I get to spend such a day with her.

I just hate that I feel forgotten.

I'm sure I'll be holding my breath through most of tomorrow, but I'll do my best to remember to breathe.

Friends clip Friday

As you all know I am an avid Friends fan. That show never ceases to make me laugh on a bad day. My favorite season is season 8, though at times its hard to watch, as it is the season Rachel is pregnant. The next funniest season is season 10, followed by season 6.

All that to say that the below clip is from season 5. I laugh everytime I see this episode on TV.

My eyes! My eyes!

Heehee enjoy!