On Saturday afternoon I opened my email to find that our application was approved at the adoption agency we applied to. I was excited and relieved that our application had been approved. I realize that we still have to have a homestudy completed and submitted and we still have to be matched. But interestingly enough the big hurdle for me was the inital application. Yes, this is how my brain works.
In the email there were some documents attached informing us that we have to make what they call a 'Life Book'. Basically its a photo album, autobiography of us, and Dear Birth Parents' letter all in one. Once a birthmother selects us, she keeps our Life Book.
One of the things we must include is why we desire to adopt a child. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that surely I have thought about why we want to adopt. And I have, but reading it back it seems like a selfish reason.
The reason I want to adopt is plain and simple, I want to be a mother. I want to love and nuture another human being. I want to be a family to a baby that needs a family.
Still, those reasons don't seem good enough, do they? Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I being selfish?
I know that choosing adoption isn't the easiest choice for any couple. When we made the decision to adopt it wasn't made lightly. I knew I still had some unresolved grief toward my IF and we've been in counselling to help me resolve those issues. I wanted to make sure that I had grieved my dream childern before moving forward with adoption. I wanted to make certain that we were adopting because it was what we were lead to do, not because it was the most logical next step in building our family.
In a way it is the next logical step, but I didn't want to adopt just for the sake of adopting. I truly believe, right now, adoption chose us. Maybe that is why its hard for me to answer a simple question.
I remember when Michael and I had been ttc for about a year. We were living in Oxford at the time and our friends A and R had just had their baby. He was a little guy, about 6 weeks old and R was making sure everyone got to hold him. (This was when holding other people's babies was fun.) I hadn't held him yet, so she handed him to me. I held him for about 2 hours and he slept the entire time.
I remember thinking how small and fragile this little life was in my arms and he was totally dependent on me. Even though I didn't give birth to him, there was this automatic need to watch over him and make sure he was okay, and there was such a peace about it. That is when it clicked for me that I would be okay with adoption (that and a few months of counselling, 6 years later).
I just want to be a mother. Is that a good enough reason?
If anyone is reading this entry and is in the process of adopting or has already adopted, can you please share in the comments with me why you chose to adopt?
#Microblog Monday 599: Daily Rung
1 day ago
18 comments:
I think that answer is perfectly valid! Perhaps you could elaborate on why motherhood is important to you (family, faith, feelings). But, wanting to be a mother is a very good answer. I know that we've been asked that question several times by our social workers. Each time the words are slightly different, but the intention is the same: I want to be a mother.
Congrats on getting accepted.
First of all congratulations on being approved!!! That's a great step forward!! And on the reason I too think it's a perfectly valid one, but I have a little "but" to add, I hope you don't mind. In theory adoption is to give family to an orphan child, so to give him/her love and security and everything else to make his/her life better. So rather than you wanting to be a mom (which of course you want or wouldn't consider adoption at all!) should be that you want a child to have a mom (you). It may sound like a stupid comment, again, I hope you don't mind!
Not stupid comment at all, Fran. Thanks :)
I can relate. I don't think most people adopt for truly altruistic reasons (i.e. to "save" a child). I think they adopt for the exact reason you stated--because they want to be parents. That's the reason we are adopting. After 14 years of marriage we are ready to move on to the next phase of our lives and that includes children. Would we be adopting if we weren't infertile? Maybe. Some day, but probably not now. My parents did both, but their decision process was completely different since they weren't dealing with infertility.
I feel a connection to Korea because my brothers are Korean and I am lucky to have them in my life, so that influenced our decision too, but mostly we want to have a family and adoption just feels right.
i think its a great answer, and its true. I would say you should tell why you want to be a mother, like you just did here, and also maybe say something about you know this is the path God has chosen for you because...
this is so exciting!
I know exactly how you feel about being approved. That's just how I felt when we were approved. I was worried we wouldn't. Now our homestudy is going to be completed by Friday and we will be put on the match list. It's becoming real.
I've never really doubted that I could love another child as my own. I feel that kind of love for my bff's kids so I know it's possible for me to love a child we adopt like that. I pretty much want to adopt for the very same reason. I want to be a mother. It might sound selfish, but it's just a part of it. I do think that God does have a plan for everyone and I know that our path is adoption. Had we been able to conceive, we would not end up with the child we are going to adopt and I know now I don't want to miss out on that. Does that make sense?
Good luck with the homestudy process! You will do great!!
Firstly, congrats on being approved. And second ... every single thing you said in this post is an EXCELLENT reason to adopt. I think the more honest you are about your reasons, the more the birth parents will be apt to see your honesty. The more the RIGHT birth parents will be able to connect with you.
Be yourself, Jonelle. Be the most wonderful person that you are and the right child will come into your home and heart.
xoxo
Em
CONGRATS on being arpproved, I totally understand how just getting that email and paperwork is half the battle.
I think you should just write what you wrote for us, any woman/girl thinking about giving her baby up for adotion that reads the honesty and pure love in the words above knows all she needs to know about you...
that you will be an INCREDIBLE mom.
HUGS :)
that is exciting. you will be a great mother. I think your answer is great.
Congrats on getting approved! Submitting that application is a huge (and scary) step. We are adopting from Korea, and chose adoption because we wanted to leave something better than us behind in this world. We wanted to raise someone together. To look over the top of their heads and smile at one another and say, this is our life and isn't it wonderful? And like you, we want desperately to be parents. Wanting to be a mom is a perfect reason to become a mom. Best of luck!
Hi there, new reader and fellow adoptive-mommy-to-be here!
We had our home study done in the summer of '08 and we had to do the same thing (what you're calling a life book). Being a Mom is ABSOLUTELY enough reason to adopt. I'd be interested in talking with you more about this, if you like. You sound like me when we were first starting out! There's a link to my email address on my blog. :)
I think your reasons are wonderful. There are so many babies born to moms who don't want to be mothers!!!
I wish you tremendous luck with your journey.
ICLW# 131
Here via ICLW. This is a really beautiful post, and as someone who will hopefully be adopting in a couple of years, I can totally relate. The decision to adopt was not easy for me (and I say me b/c the decision came very easily to my husband). A little backstory: I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at 26. Chance of natural conception = pretty slim. Only choices were IVF with donor egg or adoption. The biological drive to experience pregnancy was particularly strong at the time I was diagnosed, but over the last year, I've come to realize that after all the medical stuff I've been through, I don't know if I could handle the physical stress of IVF or the emotional toll of a loss if it didn't work. For me the decision to adopt was about doing some good in the world while still being able to fulfill our dream of parenting together. Hope that provides a little more insight and gives you some more to think about your own decision.
I think for everyone who adopts, at the heart of it, no matter how we come to the decision: we just want to be parents and care for another as our own. Wishing you so much luck and little waiting time as your adoption journey progresses! I hope you don't mind another follower since you're just starting out on your journey- I like reading about folks who are in the process as it gears us up for our journey to adoption down the road.
Happy ICLW!
~Keiko, Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
Congrats on passing the first stage! I'm sure there's a lot ahead of you, but one step at a time, and you'll get there. We didn't end up needing to adopt, but did think heaps about why we wanted to be parents. I think it does all distill down to wanting to mother, to nurture. Sharing moments, providing knowledge and inspiration to a little mind, and the joy of slowly seeing their wings dry and stretch out like a butterfly. For me it all centred around the dining table we had just bought. I imagined babies learning to eat, toddlers colouring, kids doing homework and long loud noisy dinners with a big family. Best of luck, and happy ICLW!
My adoption story is quite unique (a relative had a baby for us) but we still had to go thru the home study and write the letters for the actual adoption, etc. I wrote my letter just as if we would be waiting to be chosen. The main thing I remember writing was "From my earliest memories, I couldn't wait to be grown so I could get married and have babies of my own. I've never known a moment in my life where I didn't dream of one day being a 'Mom'...." When we found out that biological children were impossible, my husband told me that he & I were family and that was enough for him. I completely, but lovingly disagreed. There is no way I could live never being a mom. Having our son (who will be 4 in Oct.), finally being a mom is the most incredible feeling in the world. Much more than I even imagined it could be.
I think simply stating "I just want to be a mom" is one of the most heartfelt, profound statements that can be made. Congratulations on passing the first step! Happy ICLW from #82!
congrats on the acceptance! that's the first hurdle. if our IVF doesn't work we'll be looking into foster care because the cost of adoption simply isn't an adoption, and I'm paranoid of not being accepted. so i'm glad you've passed that hurdle. have fun making your life book :)
It's a perfectly valid answer. Not at all selfish. It's honest!
We said on our family profile (life book) that we knew she (birthmom) was looking for a family for her child, that we've always wanted to be parents but we can't conceive, and so it was through adoption that we were going to become a Mom and Dad.
(You are welcome to see our family profile on my blog. It's on the sidebar.)
Oh, and this is so cool - my word verification was "bloom." ;o)
I can't say we adopted because we wanted to be seen as saints, we just wanted to share the experience of parenthood. I had always wanted to have children but I married late, and getting pregnant proved impossible. At the end of it all, I still yearned to raise a child and be a parent and adoption seemed to be the way to build a family. The whole process was quite difficult and more complicated than one would think. At the end of it, I have a beautiful son and we are enjoying our lives as parents.
Post a Comment